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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

...to be upset that DH thinks a work commitment is more important than a 20 week scan?

45 replies

lizzytee · 04/12/2008 09:41

That's it really. I have tried not to rant at him about it (he is generally really supportive and has been a star through a fairly vile 1st trimester and a high risk pregnancy), pointing out that it's up to him and maybe he should bear in mind whether he will remember what his important work commitment was in ten years time. I'm really trying to be nice but just couldn't do it this morning, and am entertaining thoughts along the lines of "well if he won't bother to come then I'm not going to ask them to tell me the sex etc etc"

I should say, due to issues with my pregnancy I have had a LOT of appointments. But only the normal number of all-over scans.

OP posts:

ThePregnantMerryYuleWitch · 04/12/2008 10:16

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grumpalina · 04/12/2008 10:17

DP only came to one scan out of both DS1 & DS2 (without any good reason except for laziness). On the one time he did come he showed no interest and as we walked out said 'Great. I've got time to go to the gym now!' He is however a great Dad just not remotely interested in preganacy(and higly insensitive).

However there was an issue with DS1 and one of his kidney's that was picked up at the 20 week scan (which is why DP did agree to come to the third extra scan at 36 weeks). When DS was born (and DP then changed from complete disinterest to completely besotted) he was really useful because to due to him being less emotional than me he was able to ask sensible questions which I couldn't think of. When DS1 was born we were given antibiotics for him which I in my post birth addled brain just meekly accepted. However DP asked a million and one (sensible questions) and then demanded that the DR came and explained properly all the risk and issues before we left the hospital.

Anyway in answer to lizzytee in view of your previous pregnancy I do think he should be there. If there weren't those issues I would say he was the one missing out and take someone else.

breadandroses · 04/12/2008 10:17

He should be there.

this is where they check for problems.

it needs both of you.

grumpalina · 04/12/2008 10:18

Sorry kidneys don't know where the rogue apostrophe came from.

flowerytaleofNewYork · 04/12/2008 10:19

Absolutely he should be there. The whole reason for the scan is to check for problems. I'm sure it will all be fine, but he needs to be there, even if he has to phone in sick putting on a croaky voice.

DandyLioness · 04/12/2008 10:31

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crokky · 04/12/2008 10:35

I think it's sad.

I have a 2 year old and an 8 month old and for both of them I had a 3 month scan and a 5 month scan. Of these 4 scans, DH came to ONE. That was the 5 month scan for my DS. He didn't come to either of my DD's scans. I had complications with both pgs and it was my mum that helped me through.

DH has never got up to either child in the night and they are both terrible sleepers - I do 99% of all parenting.

The whole lot is blamed on work and yes, my DH has to work really hard, but it is just really sad. So basically, I think you should encourage him to start changing his ways now, because the time commitment only gets bigger when the baby is born etc.

Original poster

lizzytee · 04/12/2008 10:35

Thanks girls, feeling a bit less like a bunnyboiler now (for feeling like this in the first place) and a lot less like going to boil any actual bunnies fgrin. Next time I am in the waiting room I guess I should take note of how many women are there without their partners.

grumpalina LOL at your DH. That is truly outstanding.

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branflake81 · 04/12/2008 10:52

It depends on the commitment, I think. If it's important then he has to go to work and YABU. If not, then he should go to teh scan.

mumof2222222222222222boys · 04/12/2008 10:58

I can completely understand why you want to have him there given your history.

To add my tuppenceworth, my DH has never been to any scans because he is the Navy and was away for all of them. I had various friends who came with me and DS1 enjoyed seeing DS2 (I think - he was only little himself!) Luckily I had no problems. Oh I had a late 36 week scan with DS2 as the Dr couldn't find her heart beat, and there was no time for DH to make that. I wasn't concerned because I could feel him playing rugby, but only had DS1 and a very smelly bottom for company.

I have also been to the neuchal scan of a friend whose partner was in Afganistan (she was unexpectedly pg and there were a number of issues), it was a real shame she didn't have baby's daddy with her, but he got all the photos. I loved going with her (and again my DS enjoyed it!!)

WewishyouaBUMPERLICIOUS · 04/12/2008 11:03

It's such a shame that men aren't entitle to time off work for this sort of thing. The 20 week scan is important and scary, especially given your other problems.

Rather than being passive aggressive about it (which is my trademark) can you just have a frank conversation with him and explain how important it is for you and is there any way he can get off work for the scan as you need his support. If he is just making excuses ask him how he thinks you will feel if you got bad news on your own. If he genuinely can't make it and is apologetic about it there's not much you can do and it's not his fault.

BouncingTinsel · 04/12/2008 11:04

Lizzy -poor you! II think he should attend, if he can but if there is no way he can make it, is there a family member or close friend who could go along - it sounds to me like you need some hand holding!
Hope it all goes well for you.
Best of luck!

Original poster

lizzytee · 04/12/2008 11:30

Have just spoken with DH and he has rearranged things so he can come . Guess I didn't realise how wobbly I felt about it until there was a possibility he might not be able to make it. Think he is a bit more scared than he wants to admit.

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KatieDD · 04/12/2008 11:39

Hmmm YABU your dh has to work otherwise how are you going to feed and clothe this baby, work comes first.

troutpout · 04/12/2008 11:53

yanbu to be upset (i would be too)
but...if he can't make it..he can't

Original poster

lizzytee · 04/12/2008 12:12

Sorry Katie but that comment is at best ill-considered and at worst downright unkind.

I work too (we could not afford for me to be a SAHM) and as a part time worker I am not automatically entitled to paid time off for all my appointments. I have already said elsewhere that DH is not going to lose pay or risk his job - if that were the case I would not have made this post.

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DandyLioness · 04/12/2008 12:13

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WinkyWinkola · 04/12/2008 12:15

Can't see how your DH's coming to the scan will affect his ability to work and earn money to keep the baby in clothes etc. . Very silly.

YANBU.

I can totally understand why, given your history, you might want him there for the scan that usually shows up any anomalies, if there are any.

plinkplinkfizzpops · 04/12/2008 12:29

A similar thing happened to me at my 20 week scan. DH was due to go to China on business, arrangements involved several people from several companies so could not easily be rearranged.

I'm not sure he understood that something untoward might show up at the scan and I didn't want to over emphasise it too much -superstitious probably.

I was very upset but we agreed that I would try to rearrange as he was also upset about missing the scan but (understandably I think) didn't want to mess others around, particularly as it would have involved flights etc.

In the end I did rearrange and as it turned out we needed to go back for another scan as DD was facing down and inwards so couldn't see everything they needed to see. My Mum came with me to that one as DH couldn't afford to take more time off. Turns out that was lovely for my Mum too as all was well and then we went shopping afterwards which wouldn't have happened otherwise as DH would have gone straight back to work.

But that is my experience and that is what made me happy and comfortable. Is there a compromise you can both come to that would suit both of you?

I must say for me part of it was the thought that he didn't seem that bothered about seeing the baby. In hindsight I think this is just a man thing though....

plinkplinkfizzpops · 04/12/2008 12:31

Ooops just seen it is all sorted. Glad things worked out for you .

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