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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My DH - depression, wants me to get a job and him at home with DCs

34 replies

komododragon · 03/12/2008 19:21

At the moment, I am a SAHM. OK - I could get a job tomorrow. DH is on Prozac. ('Cos of job, which is crap) I do sympathise - I also have had crap jobs that I hated ( before I met him and when I was a single mum) but had to suck it up cos they paid the bills. Could be my turn to work, and would/could do so, but as a trial just watched DH doing reading with DS and DD - OMG - AAAAGGH. No matter how I try to be kind, it was CRAP, AWFUL and DEMORALISING for the DC's. He is TERRIBLE and REALLY BAD and I don't know how to tell him. He is a really nice husband and Dad, but MEGA, AWSOMELY BAD at explaining stuff. We met at work and he was supposed to explain things to me, and he was really really shite at it even then, so should have known. He really wants me to go to work and him stay at home and I haven't the faintest clue how to tell him this would be really bad. HEEEEELP please

OP posts:
nickytwotimes · 03/12/2008 19:23

Hmm.

You are being a bit mean.

I think adressing the depression would be the best first step.

What about both going part time and sharing the childcare?

bigTillyMint · 03/12/2008 19:24

Do you mean he doesn't read very well, and has difficulties explaining things - finding the right words?

Might he have a specific learning difficulty - like dyslexia?

cyphercat · 03/12/2008 19:30

none of us are perfect and as you say that your DH is great dad, maybe he would do different things well. Maybe you could do reading with children in the evenings and weekends? I feel sometimes that when our partner doesn't do things exactly as we do, we tend to panic but I'm sure he will do his best. I know this post won't make you feel any better, but why don't you role change and see how all of you feel after couple of months down the line?

Original poster
komododragon · 03/12/2008 19:40

No, (bigTillyMint) he reads fabulously - Murakami is his leisure reading, and no, no dyslexia, but thanks for asking. Just really, really bad at encouraging the reading thing. I really do keep trying and I SOOO want him to be good at it. He is really reserved/shy and I keep trying to get him to do the encouraging thing. If my going to work F/T is to be a goer, I have to KNOW that the DCs are going to be sorted for reading, at least.

OP posts:
Tortington · 03/12/2008 19:42

how old are the kids?

nooka · 03/12/2008 19:43

Is this the only thing you are worried about? My dh is convinced he is better at parenting than me in many ways. It is very annoying! In truth we both have strengths and weaknesses, and the children appreciate that. So if they get stuck in their homework, dh is much better, but if they want to o on a trip or talk about how they are feeling then I'm their mum. If you go to work how long would you be out of the house for? Would there be time for reading afterwards (how old are the children).

How much of this is because you think that he should "suck it up" because you did? f he is depressed purely because of work, and you could easily work instead then I think it is a no brainer. You go out to work.

wotulookinat · 03/12/2008 19:44

I gave up a reasonably paid fulltime job in January, because of depression. My partner had been a SAHD and then had to find work and he has worked full time since Feb. At first, I found it REALLY hard to be with my son, who was then 14months old (I had bad PND) and I was really quite crap with him. But, over time, I got better and more confident and now I love being a SAHM. Maybe your DH just needs a bit of time to become the confident parent that he would like to be.

Original poster
komododragon · 03/12/2008 19:46

Hi cyphercat, what you are saying is very valid. However, the role change actually requires us to have roles to change! At the moment DH works F/t and I am a SAHM. I "could" get a job, but my dilemma re DH ability to to the bizz is my reason for posting

OP posts:
BitOfFunUnderTheMistletoe · 03/12/2008 19:50

That could be true - but are you sure that it is a good idea to have the care of the kids mainly provided for by a person who is depressed? You know him best, but I would be a bit worried they would be affected by it if he is short or snappy with them, or doesn't engage much. Does he see staying at home as a "cure"? Because you don't get many duvet days with little ones around, it's hard work! Also quite isolating, little adult conversation etc - as many of us with PND have experienced, looking after kids can be positively bad for your mental health...I don't mean to nit-pick, just wondering if he has thought of these things.

prettybutterfly · 03/12/2008 19:51

I don't think it's that simple, nooka...

I do think the OP strongly doesn't want to and is trying to come up with sensible reasons to account for her strong 'feeling'. Which I'm not criticising.

I'm a SAHM and I would NOT like it if DH just decided out of the blue that he was so depressed he'd better stay home and I'd better go out. It would put me on the spot. I'd feel obliged, uncomfortable, chivvied, wrong-footed somehow. And I'd have reservations about how good my DH would be at it too, which I wouldn't be able to just 'get over' because another Mumsnetter told me I ought to!

It might be unreasonable, but it's sure as hell understandable.

OP, it's not a decision to be taken lightly. IT might not be that simple once youstart looking. It might be that DH regrets the decision after a while and then you both find things are worse not better. It may be that if he is depressed that will not be great for the kids.

I think you need to know more, discuss more, think more.

I know where you're coming from.

Good luck + let us know how you get on.

PBx

Original poster
komododragon · 03/12/2008 19:54

OMG - loads here! Thanks to all. I am going to invite DH to read all this, as it is relevant to him. I am also going to let him read my original post and all those afterwards. I am sure he will take all your stuff on board and hopefully he won't go mad?

OP posts:
noonki · 03/12/2008 19:56

can you not both go part time?

that way you can concentrate on reading etc, and the pressure could be released from your DH for working.

How old are you children?

expatinscotland · 03/12/2008 19:56

I have depression.

I work from home and DH works outside the home.

BUT, he works shifts, mostly evenings when the kids are in bed and my two older ones are also in full-day nursery/part-time nursery so I'm not on my own with the two of them all day.

TBH, I don't think it's good for someone with depression to be a SAHP full-time.

It's very isolating, I've found and can intensify anxiety, IME.

He would be better off finding another job.

Or both of you getting part-time jobs and swapping out.

AND his getting counselling for the depression and sorting that out.

findtheriver · 03/12/2008 19:57

I would say that if he is honestly as bad as you think he is, then it's absolutely vital that he DOES have his turn to be the one at home.
We only get one crack at this parenting lark. If he is at home being the main carer, then he'll soon get stuck in and be great - maybe not doing it all exactly as you would but good in his own way. And the children will build a lovely relationship with him.

Carry on as you are, not trusting him to be a parent, and giving him a 'trial run', watching him read with them as though parenting is something he has to sit an exam in - and he will probably end up as a genuinely rubbish father with a crap relationship with his kids.

wotulookinat · 03/12/2008 19:57

My DH expressed his concerns to me before we swapped roles, and I was worse that your DH sounds with DS. I had spent most of the previous 14months ignoring DS and really didn't have a clue what to do. But we coped and now I have a fab relationship with DS, although his daddy is still his favourite as DH is a bit of a softie.
I remember sitting on DS's bedroom floor in tears, and it would take an hour to get him dressed. Now I can wake him and be out of the door to a playgroup in 20 mins.
I guess what I am trying to say is that your DH needs to realise that it will be hard, but that being a SAHD might help him.

Original poster
komododragon · 03/12/2008 20:00

prettybutterfly - you are a wise woman, Thank you X

OP posts:
jofeb04 · 03/12/2008 20:00

Komo,
I'm agreeing with Nooka, in that for somethings, I am better than my dh with parenting (reading for one), but, my dh is much better with others than me (outside stuff).

Depression is not easy to cope with as you are aware, but what would happen if your dh truly can't go back to work (a friend of mine dh has depression. He is sahd, she works). It works really well for them, as she is an office job - so 9 till 5 most of the time - and gets home in time for story, bath, bed etc.

It could also be a short-term measure, give your dh the time to get well without the pressure of his job on him.
If it was the mum who felt like this, and couldn't work, how would you feel?

expatinscotland · 03/12/2008 20:02

I don't think it has to do with not trusting him, but he seriously needs to address his depression to the max before making such a decision, he really does.

jofeb04 · 03/12/2008 20:03

Also agree that part time jobs for the both of you may be worth looking at.

expatinscotland · 03/12/2008 20:04

and also, it may work out for some. but what if his depression is so great he spends teh day not parenting but sinking?

i'm not saying that's what will happen, but it can, and that's why he needs to address the root cause of the problem before making a decision like this.

pointydog · 03/12/2008 20:05

I think you are focusing on the wrong issue. He is their dad, he loves them, doesn't matter that he is not very good at explaining things, not at all.

The real issue us that he is depressed and, I presume, is putting this down to his job. It might not be because of his job. He might be at home with the kids all day and find he still has depression. That wouldn't be a good situation to fimnd yourself in.

jofeb04 · 03/12/2008 20:05

Expat's talking sense

pointydog · 03/12/2008 20:06

yes, agre with expat

(how's it going with teh baby?)

expatinscotland · 03/12/2008 20:08

i'm busier than a one-legged man in an ass-kicking contest, pointy .

that's newborns for ya.

he's 12lbs., 11oz. and 2ft., 2in. at 4 weeks old.

pointydog · 03/12/2008 20:12

gosh, only 4 wks - seems aaages ago