My DH - depression, wants me to get a job and him at home with DCs

[komododragon]

At the moment, I am a SAHM. OK - I could get a job tomorrow. DH is on Prozac. ('Cos of job, which is crap) I do sympathise - I also have had crap jobs that I hated ( before I met him and when I was a single mum) but had to suck it up cos they paid the bills. Could be my turn to work, and would/could do so, but as a trial just watched DH doing reading with DS and DD - OMG - AAAAGGH. No matter how I try to be kind, it was CRAP, AWFUL and DEMORALISING for the DC's. He is TERRIBLE and REALLY BAD and I don't know how to tell him. He is a really nice husband and Dad, but MEGA, AWSOMELY BAD at explaining stuff. We met at work and he was supposed to explain things to me, and he was really really shite at it even then, so should have known. He really wants me to go to work and him stay at home and I haven't the faintest clue how to tell him this would be really bad. HEEEEELP please

it does seem like he's been here forever .

i start counselling on 9 december .

now on Effexor but might need to up dosage. seeing psych consultant on 8 december about that.

prettybutterfly, I'm sure it's not that simple. Life never is. And of course the OP's feelings are understandable. But not necessarily fair, because feelings aren't always are they? Which is why I think confronting them can be useful.

I agree about the depression/isolation, which is why I'd want to really understand whether the depression was solely work related, or more deep seated. But poor explaining of things is not in my mind a good enough reason on it's own to not at least think seriously about an option that might really help your partner.

I would second what the others have said, that SAHD may not be the solution to his depression and may well be isolating, tiring and in itself depressing. It may not be!! It is also I think the case (any dads on this thread can correct me if I'm wrong) that it is harder for a SAHD on the "mums and toddlers" circuit because it is so female dominated. He may well find it harder to make friends and contacts and get invitations to other people's houses than you would, just through his being male and therefore in a minority in the SAHP world.

That said, I hated my job and love being a SAHM now. It could work fantastically, but I think it would be better not to burn bridges straight away if at all possible.

Can he apply to take some unpaid parental leave? Could you cover it somehow financially? Maybe you could pick up some temporary work and he could have an extended period home with the DCs to see how it affected you all?

Nook, didn't mean to sound like I was criticising you .... just taking your post as a jumpin off point. Agreeing with you, as it happens!

sorry to hear things are tough, expat. Hope counselling helps.

I was depressed - i gave work up and gradually I got better. I needed the freedom of being at home to get better. i don't know if it will work for your DH or not but I think YABU not to support him - your 'reason' is not valid. You are a partnership?

No worries pb. OP I think it would be rather unkind to show your dh this thread. If he is feeling down I wouldn't have thought reading that you think he is so totally awful (crap, awful, terrible, really bad and demoralising for the dcs...) at communicating with your children would be in any way helpful.

If he is depressed, it might not be that great for the DC for him to be their main carer. THough it depends on how severe the depression, how much treatment he is getting, etc. If he's going to be incapable of getting out of bed, then he won't be able to look after them properly. If he is suffering from specific cause-related depression (his work is that bad) then it may work out OK.

Mind you, if he is suffering from the kind of 'depression' (and I am not saying this is true because I don't know your DP) that translates as 'I am a whining lazy-arse who thinks the world exists only to meet my needs and it's not fair to expect me to do anything I don't want to do' then it would be a really bad idea to leave him in sole charge.

Depends on the age of the children too, and how good they are at motivating (or nagging) him to get out and do things.