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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU about dp looking at porn etc..?

38 replies

ShinyRedShoes · 02/12/2008 14:43

I discovered that dp had been looking at online porn about a month ago. TBH I was a bit upset with him as I had no idea he was into it. He said it's because we never have sex...hello, we have two small children!

Then the other day, I went out to the shops, when I got home he's shut the curtains (in the middle of the day). When I confronted him, he didn't deny it.

To top it off, I have just found a tissue with semen on it the bedroom floor, yeeugh!!!

He says I am a prude, but I think he's becoming a bit of a perv. TBH I'm kind of repulsed by it all. The more he does this kind of stuff, the less I want to touch him. It's destroying our relationship, we are not having sex at the moment because of it.

Have changed name ...AIBU?

OP posts:
DiscoDizzy · 02/12/2008 14:46

No, I would feel exactly the same. Are you too tired for sex? We have 2 small children and although we're tired we generally make time for sex, even if one of us is not in the mood, we soon get into the mood IYKWIM. I agree its not nice for you though.

ThePregnantMerryYuleWitch · 02/12/2008 14:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Jazzicatz · 02/12/2008 14:48

Sorry to say this but this has been done so may times. There was a thread not long ago which you may find helpful.

Ico · 02/12/2008 14:50

Well before everyone comes on here giving their opinion on porn, just remember it's opnly your opinion that counts here. IF it's a problem for you, you have the answer to your question. Porn affects intimacy in couples where one isn't okay with it but the other uses it regardless. It's less about porn than about communication, trust and respect.

He needs to know that him using porn (not masturbating??) is making it less likely that you will want to be intimate with him. Tell him how it makes you feel. Hopefully then you can start puttting some time aside to ge with each other as a couple again, which will hopefully lead to you having some fun together again.

Good luck

Ico · 02/12/2008 14:51

But take your time. In a lifelong relationship, there's no need to rush.

barnsleybelle · 02/12/2008 14:51

It's normal and nothing to worry about. If your not having sex then of course he needs to relieve himself.... (don't you?) !! At least he's looking at porn in the comfort of your home and not out looking for another woman.

Try to loosen up about it, getting stressed will make your situ worse. I know it's hard to find time with 2 small children but i think it's important to maintain the loving relationship that brought about your dc's in the first place.

NoPresentsInVictorianSqualor · 02/12/2008 14:57

YANBU.
What counts is how you feel about it.
There are two main schools of thought on porn on mn, one that it's fine, one that i's terrible. It might help you to explain to him how you feel once you've seen the arguments for and against but ultimately if he is doing something you are uncomfortable with he should respect that.

Original poster
ShinyRedShoes · 02/12/2008 14:58

DiscoDiz, yes we are both often too tired to bother with sex, but were managing it about once every couple of weeks. Yes i do KWYM about getting in the mood, if one of us wants it then the other generally does too.

Ico - it is the porn really, not the masturbating .. it's just so fake, i can't believe he's sucked in by it all

OP posts:
Ico · 02/12/2008 15:03

You have to talk to him. Maybe strike up a deal - a date a week to get interested in each other again, trust and intimacy will follow - if he gives up the porn (not the masturbating obviuoulsy)

Barnsleybelle, wanking is natural, porn is all fake.

mayorquimby · 02/12/2008 15:19

i'll state that i'm a bloke and i look at porn on-line just so people don't accuse me of being biased by stealth here just thought a male presence might help on the thread

while i don't think yabu to feel this way i think that in these threads people seem to think that it's all black and white.either you're a prude or you're husband is a pervert who is mysoginistic and actively supporting the sex slave trade and denegration of wome.
when in reality there's a whole load of grey area.

firstly you look like going down a vicious cycle here. as you say the more he looks at it the less likely you are to want to have sex.but the less you want to have sex the more likely he is to look at internet porn.
so as others have said communication is the key. but you shouldn't dictate to him or threaten, it should be a calm and reasoned discussion.
discss why it hurts you and why you are not having much sex at the moment.
are you rejecting his advancements as porn is clearly not the only reason for a lack of sex, your first paragraph says as much
"He said it's because we never have sex...hello, we have two small children!"

also go into it with a willingness to compromise.if you go in with ultimatums and expecting him to stop immediately with no room for give and take it is only going to end badly.

dittany · 02/12/2008 15:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

motherinferior · 02/12/2008 15:24

If it is upsetting you, then YABU.

And if you don't feel like sex, you don't feel like sex.

barnsleybelle · 02/12/2008 15:26

ico.... i agree that porn is fake, of course it is. What i do think however, is that it's perfectly normal for men and women to enjoy watching it. I personally don't find it arousing, but certainly don't think its perverted to enjoy it.

I think that what the op should take from this, is that at least her dh is open about this and not keeping it secret from her, which is the part i would find more worrying.

motherinferior · 02/12/2008 15:27

I hate these 'oh, work hard at getting back That Loving Feeling' recommendations. Far too much about 'duty' for my liking. If he wants sex with you he can make a bit of effort himself.

mayorquimby · 02/12/2008 15:33

"I hate these 'oh, work hard at getting back That Loving Feeling' recommendations. Far too much about 'duty' for my liking. If he wants sex with you he can make a bit of effort himself. "

i'd agree with you to a point.these comments wether directly or indirectly put too much assumption of guilt and responsibility solely on the womans shoulders. but what is to be expected of a partner (male or female) who is in a relationship where the other person just isn't interested in sex anymore?

as someone said earlier "And if you don't feel like sex, you don't feel like sex." and i'd agree completely.thank god about we no longer live in the dark ages of legalised rape under the "matrimonial duties" bull shit. but what about when half of the partnership does feel like sex. even on this forum alone you get so many conflicting views because everyone is different. if they try to instigate sex too much they are nagging/putting pressure on the woman. if they leave it up to the woman then it's "fgs can he not be the one to instigate/be spontaneous for once,why is it always me" (i'm only using the feminine here as it's a predominantly female forum i accept it can be the other way around.)

motherinferior · 02/12/2008 15:49

I do take your point .

Lotster · 02/12/2008 16:29

If it were my husband I would sympathise and not make him feel too ashamed...

At the end of the day, bearing and caring for small children has a big affect on our bodies, our hormones and our sex drives. The men might be a bit more tired, but not much else changes for them, physically or to their sex drive - it's letting off steam in a way that stays faithful to you.

And as for semen on a tissue... most men do that from teenage years, he's not suddenly turning in to a perve is he? (lazy bugger to not pick it up though, deserves a scolding)

There's a lady on another thread wondering why her husband's mobile is always on silent and in his pocket, I bet she'd rather be complaining about her hubby having a hand shandy...

Lotster · 02/12/2008 16:32

p.s. I'd be more comfortable with it being a magazine - online there is the possibility of interaction, which I wouldn't like too much myself.

Zebraa · 02/12/2008 16:34

I think you're being a little bit unreasonable. Men look at porn, it doesn't make them pervs, it's like women who think of George Clooney during sex etc.

Maybe speak to him about how you can make time to improve your sex life? If that is his only reason for watching it. but honestly, most men do it.

Kitteh · 02/12/2008 17:00

I think the only thing i'd be bothered about is the tissue on the floor.. he could have picked it up..!!
My OH has watched porn.. it doesnt bother me in the slightest.. i understand your point on the fakeness of it all.. but tbh.. my OH could critise me on watching corrie.. because of the fakeness of it all.. lol..
If it bothers you.. i would sit n have a chat with him about it.. but tbh i dont see that he's doing anything wrong.. x

policywonk · 02/12/2008 17:04

The porn issue aside (and I agree with you that that's nasty in itself), it sounds like he's becoming passive-aggressive - practically leaving you 'I've been wanking' messages in semen on the living room floor. I'd be bloody furious if I were you.

Lotster · 02/12/2008 17:20

Ha ha! semen warfare - do give over!!

Daisy15 · 02/12/2008 18:03

Maybe the solution is to have sex more and his porn habit could just drop.

I don't live with my partner but i think i would be furious to find he was having a wank without me in mind. I'd take severe action.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 02/12/2008 18:34

daisy, if you are really 15 then we can excuse your post on the grounds of "needs to do just a bit more maturing......."

Original poster
ShinyRedShoes · 02/12/2008 18:50

He hasn't been making any effort with me, that's what's so odd about it. It's almost like he's given up on me and started a relationship with something else instead.

Policy wonk, it does seem a bit passive aggressive ...We've been together for years so if he's been looking at porn, it's always been v well hidden up till now. It's really weird, I just can't make sense of it.

I've always been fairly open about sex and have never ever considered myself prudish but porn really does upset me. It's not just the fakeness of porn that upsets me. It's also representations of "teens" and shaven, child-like images that i find disturbing. They're not real women and it really upsets me to think that men fantasise about that sort of stuff.

Lotster - Yes, at least his mobile isn't on silent.

OP posts: