AIBU about dp looking at porn etc..?

[ShinyRedShoes]

I discovered that dp had been looking at online porn about a month ago. TBH I was a bit upset with him as I had no idea he was into it. He said it's because we never have sex...hello, we have two small children!

Then the other day, I went out to the shops, when I got home he's shut the curtains (in the middle of the day). When I confronted him, he didn't deny it.

To top it off, I have just found a tissue with semen on it the bedroom floor, yeeugh!!!

He says I am a prude, but I think he's becoming a bit of a perv. TBH I'm kind of repulsed by it all. The more he does this kind of stuff, the less I want to touch him. It's destroying our relationship, we are not having sex at the moment because of it.

Have changed name ...AIBU?

For me, as you say (objections to porn itself aside), the problem would lie in his change of behaviour.

If you'd previously had a relationship in which he consumed porn with your knowledge and consent, then this wouldn't be a problem. Or, if you'd discovered his use of porn and told him that you were fine with it.

The fact that you told him you weren't fine with it (did you tell him this loud and clear?), and now he's telegraphing his wanking habits to you, suggests to me that he's angry and he's using this as a way of pissing you off.

Obviously you need to try to have an air-clearing conversation in which you both try not to label each other 'prudes' or 'pervs' - but how you do that when you're already cross is something I have yet to work out

The general mumsnet philosopy seems to be that porn is fine, and maybe its pretty normal but if it upsets you and he isn't prepared to acknowledge that then he is out or order. It would upset me.

I had similar problems but my DH has attempted to change his ways and instead we just have sex more, which also involved me making an effort (!)

The tissue thing is disgusting.

Thanks for all the great advice, it's great to have some objective opinions and also input from a MAN!

I am concerned about the change of behaviour, and it does seem to be some sort of passive-aggressive "attack" although I'm not sure he's fully aware of his actions and the potential consequences. Without revealing too much, his family have a history of probs and sometimes I feel he unconsciously recreates them as he's used to being in that sort of environment. Maybe the best way to deal with it is to keep calm and try not to overreact...I'll try to have an adult air-clearing conversation with him and update soon.

"What i do think however, is that it's perfectly normal for men and women to enjoy watching it."

I think what's natural is being aroused by it, specially for a man. Enjoying it is a different thing all together. It's a complusive habit rather than a qualitative hobby. Just cos something gives you a hard on doesn't mean it's 'good'. And we all know that many women in porn are exploited, just as in prostitution. Some aren't, but many are. If you (not you - general 'you') buy fairtrade or are ethically minded in your other purchases why ignore those inclinations when it comes to porn?

And it makes you really lazy in bed actually, as far as imagination is concerned.

MQ "but what about when half of the partnership does feel like sex."

So draw the curtains, close your eyes and think up your own fantisies. Why use porn?

Well if it upsets you, then he should consider that, but its not a terrible thing, and dont let it taint your sex life with your dp, some people enjoy the feeling of excitement that "comes" (sorry a pun there)from being a little naughty.

If you are upset because you dont understand his position then have a quick look your self, you may find it not as upsetting as you think, or you may see his perspective. But you cant expect him to understand your point of view if you are not willing to try and ubderstand his.

Oh just been reading your comment about the visual side pf porn, it is made visually for men, but women have been known (not me!!)to look at gay porn, this is more visually attuned to what we find attractive, and also for many women the fakeness of the humming and arghing of some of the women is just laughable. But with a man, its bloody obvious there is nothing fake going on, so its not only visually better, but more believable.

SRS when he was making an effort with you before was you knocking him back?

I agree with CC

My husband has a stash of porn which doesnt bother me whatsoever

At times in our marriage our sex life has diminished to nothing obvious feeling tired, hormones
then we pick it up again

i think its better than having them look elsewhere imo

ss, I have to disagree with one of your statements

some of the err best times of my life have been inspired by an idea seen elsewhere

Porn only makes a man lazy in bed if he was in the 1st place.

Anywaaaaays, this isn't about me...so as you were

I'm sorry but you will find that if a man has a sex drive, he will indulge in porn. It's merely a fact of life, they need to wank! They are all wankers! Why does it offend you? Men get off on visual imagery, women are more complex and the brain is the biggest turn on tool. Only thing is he can't tap into your mind when you are fantasizing about the bloke down the MOT garage!

Shiny, I used to feel like you BUT I got through it lol I went and bought a dvd for us both...the first time we watched it i felt a bit upset that dp was enjoying it..the next time well.....ds2 is here now roflmao

Oh and before that we were having sex pretty much most days.

DS2 is 14m and we still find time for eachother....