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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

SIL who seems to think money grows on "Christmas" trees this year!!

34 replies

fordywastaylor · 01/12/2008 07:49

I don't know if IABU on this one, but everyone knows money is tight this year, we only have one income, and moved house in May this year. We budgeted to do some building works on our new house, which begin at the end of this week. All of these things we are using our own savings to do and are more than happy with that arrangement. DH spoke to his sister on Sat night and asked what her and her kids wanted this year. He got a list!!! 2 Build a bears (prob about 25-30£ a pop) perfume for her (no mention of what her suffering DH might want) Whereas I have 2 sisters and have previously said in conversation that I am spending very little on them this year (thought that counts!) AIBU that I think SIL is being thoughtless, and not trying to be appreciative of what gifts he family will get this year. Oh god I feel bad that I am typing this now!

OP posts:
piscesmoon · 01/12/2008 07:54

I would suggest what we did years ago and agree to only get gifts for the DCs-it saves a lot of money. If he got a list there must be something cheaper on it-or ignore it all and buy books.

kitsmummy · 01/12/2008 07:56

He asked what they wanted and she obligingly gave a list. That's roughly the amount we'd spend on family, so unless you'd particularly made the point that you were skint and wanted to not spend too much this year, I think she was just doing what you asked

Original poster
fordywastaylor · 01/12/2008 08:07

Yes he did ask for what they wanted, but me being me and knowing someone elses financial commitments (ie house move, building works etc) I wouldn't particularly ask for such costly items. I think that I sometimes would consider others first. They are financially stretched themselves this year, so I would have preferred the answer to the question that DH asked to be more like "Surprise us".....What is a reasonable cost to one, can be quite different to another!

OP posts:
piscesmoon · 01/12/2008 08:08

I would say that she was doing exactly as asked and following your general pattern, so if you want to do it differently you need to discuss it.

Original poster
fordywastaylor · 01/12/2008 08:12

I am quite good at making up "gift bags" bits and pieces here and there, I try and relate it to the person and what they like, so I may try and suggest that one. Trouble is DH can't be bothered with that and like most blokes takes the easy option. What bugs is that I have already said that my family have to accept that money is tighter this year for all sorts of reasons. So it seems his family get more spent on them, when I am trying to look at the overall costs!

OP posts:
Jackstini · 01/12/2008 08:12

Is this more or less than you usually spend? SIL may not know details of your finances.
You need to say - "have you got any ideas for Christmas, we are only spending X this year or we are only buying for DC this year due to finances".
You said you mentioned this to your own sisters - SIL needs to have the same info to be fair.
Why mention her dh is suffering - is there more to this?

psychomum5 · 01/12/2008 08:18

build-a-bears start at £8 if that helps at all......the outfits are the pricy bit, and TBF, she didn;t ask for outfits did she.

as for perfume.....unless I know they like the scent, I dont buy. Maybe a boots voucher of the amount you can afford to go towards the perfume would be helpful to your budget, and also be ok with her???

HTH, and FWIW, I don;t think YABU.

Majeika · 01/12/2008 08:18

Then you shouldnt have got DH to ask her if you knew he wouldnt do it properly!!

Make up a big family hamper of stuff from Lidl and take that and take some books for the kids.

And stop thinking about the money........

..........Xmas winds me up - am sooo glad that I dont do it!...................

Original poster
fordywastaylor · 01/12/2008 08:18

Oh def lots more to this thread than this, but is such a long tale - one for another day.
It does need to be fair, but I think DH can't bring himself to tell her that!! They are fully aware of our stuff going on so that can't be an excuse. What will happen like last year for example is we spend loads on them, and got a bottle of wine and chilli peanuts in return. I know, I know I said its the thought, but come on!

OP posts:
Jackstini · 01/12/2008 08:22

Best give her a list too then! Did she not ask when your dh phoned her? Seems a bit off to reel off a list for your own family and not ask what you would like back...

Original poster
fordywastaylor · 01/12/2008 08:23

Outfits were specified... a wedding outfit and disco outfit, not sure of their costs. I think this to me is more about just being happy with what you get given??? Yes DH should not of bothered asking her, seeing as it will be me who has to treck the 60 miles to M-Hall to get the damm bears, cos no doubt he will be working till xmas eve. I hate christmas, its so stressful!!!! ahhhhhh

OP posts:
starbear · 01/12/2008 08:23

Go on phone her. We have a god daughter who I would love to buy a dolls house for. I know money is very tight for them and my Ds is their God son. I'm going to phone our friend and tell them its a one off and they don't have to buy any expensive for our Ds. I'm going to hope they understand. I've got to say my brother is a pain (I'm not going into here) so give her a chance if you word it nicely.

psychomum5 · 01/12/2008 08:26

right then, ring her and tell her that you are very sorry, but the girts suggestions are to expensive, an she suggest something to the value of about £10 instead please.

if she has a fit about it, then tell her that she is clearly not sharing of the xmas spirit and for that you are feeling sad for her, is there something wrong??

Original poster
fordywastaylor · 01/12/2008 08:27

Lidl sounds fab, I can even use the bag she gave us our wine and peanuts in last year! I did say to DH did you tell her what our DS wants, but not sure he did....he is like me, we just are happy with what we get I don't phone her, not that I don't want to but she can be so intimidating, I don't need my day ruining IYKWIM.

OP posts:
Pheebe · 01/12/2008 08:30

On a slightly different not, why are you asking what they want? A gift should be from your heart, a token of your love and affection, money or desire should not come into it...

I certainly wouldn't phone again at this point, that would be deeply hurtful and insulting to your SIL. Decide what you can spend, choose presents for them yourself and on the day mention the money issues quietly if you really feel you need to justify yourself.

Original poster
fordywastaylor · 01/12/2008 08:31

I think it should come from DH, I told my family the crack, they were cool. Surely he can deal with his. Oh no I forgot, he is intimidated by her as well....haha. But isn't this more about her, and taking others into consideration, she well knows what we have commited to this year. Some folk just don't think of others???

OP posts:
herbietea · 01/12/2008 08:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster
fordywastaylor · 01/12/2008 08:33

Yr dead right, a gift is a token and more about the action than the cost. She is quite materialistic tho....her DH is long suffering! Even my DH say that about her..

OP posts:
starbear · 01/12/2008 08:36

This woman can only be intimidating if you let her. Is her surname Bucket? Go on have some backbone. I don't get it. Does her have a bazooka in the house!!!!

starbear · 01/12/2008 08:38

Posted in haste. Didn't check sorry a little nutty. Must get some work done. Tee! hee! No one getting anything in this house if I don't get dressed.

BecauseImWorthIt · 01/12/2008 08:39

There's obviously a lot more history than you're giving us here, but why are you giving your SIL such a bashing when all she has done is respond to your DH's question?

All he had to say to her was that you didn't have much cash this year and therefore on that basis what would they like for Christmas?

And why on earth if it's his family are you the one doing the shopping? He might work hard, but he has weekends doesn't he? Let him do it!

Give your SIL a break. I wonder how she would feel if she read your OP?

bootsmonkey · 01/12/2008 08:49

If she has given a list, then you get to choose what or whether you buy from it.

As far as I am concerned, if I had to get in my car and drive 120 miles roundtrip to buy a present, then that would automatically wipe it off the list for me. If you could buy a voucher on line to put towards it, I would consider that.

Everyone has their own budget for Xmas, and I know mine is set quite low. Kids get so much, that I think the quantity of gifts sometimes overwhelms, so a small and personally chosen item to suit the child is better than more tat that meets a certain price point and may only get played with for the week around Xmas. Kids don't need expensive presents. Build a bears are lovely (and a big hit in this house) and if some one got one for my daughter, she would be thrilled, but I wouldn't expect an outfit, accessories or for the parent to have put themselves out to such and extent to get it.

I strongly believe that the big pressie should come from the parents and all other presents should be smaller items and that kids learn the value of things. But then I am a big meany!

Uriel · 01/12/2008 08:57

Send them a Build a Bear gift card like this.

Sil and bil might think you're ok for money at the moment as you're having building work done. I've never thought people are skint when they've got the money to get things done on their house. May have to rethink that!

Jackstini · 01/12/2008 09:08

Buy from ebay instead?
dolls.shop.ebay.co.uk/items/Bears__wedding-bear_W0QQ_catrefZ1QQ_flnZ1QQ_sacatZ386QQ_trksidZp3286Q2ec 0Q2em282?_trksid=p3286.c0.m282
dolls.shop.ebay.co.uk/items/Dolls-Bears__disco-bear_W0QQ_catrefZ1QQ_flnZ1QQ_fromfsbZQQ_sacatZ237QQ_t rksidZp3286Q2ec0Q2em282?_trksid=p3286.c0.m282
Tell SIL that as dc presents are so expensive she will have to go without her perfume

debzmb62 · 01/12/2008 09:11

i,m so glad my sisters and brothers decided years agao we would'nt buy for each other or for our children ! having got 4 sister and 2 brothers and like 35 neices and nephews and to say the least 42 great neices and nephews i,m sure glad we did i,d be skint all year !!
i only buy my own and my mum