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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to talk to any other mums

74 replies

unsociable · 30/11/2008 19:56

Am a regular but have name changed as know people on here in RL.

I hate going to playgroups as I can't be arsed making conversation with other mums who bore me talking about their pfb's and the colour of their child's poo. I go for DD's sake as I think it is good for her.

AIBU to want to avoid these people?

OP posts:
Pantofino · 30/11/2008 20:51

Ronaldinhio! MN might as well shut down now if that was the case!

ScottishMummy · 30/11/2008 21:00

ah but the rub us you probably bore the piss out of then as the aloof standoffish mum.

who is apparently uninterested in anyone else child

these low level social interactions can lead to something else if given chance.we all like to play safe and initiate safe neutral topics esp at baby group

up to you to make effort and reciprocate.most people have tuned social antennae and can probably sense your lack of interest

Ronaldinhio · 30/11/2008 21:01

Exactly porto

MrsSnape · 30/11/2008 21:04

YANBU. I hated playgroups, school gates etc for the same reason. Every bloody conversation starts the same:

"So, how is your DS? mine is doing so well, he's now of level 50 reading books, we have his name down for Snooty High and he's got millions and millions of friends"

I really, really don't give a shit!

dougal3 · 30/11/2008 21:06

I'm with Portofino - you have to start off with innocuities -it's the nature of the game - but part of the fun is looking back years later and comparing the people you know now with the first impressions.
eg. Paula Yates used to go to one o'clock clubs and "boring" is not the adjective to be used thee.
So, you have to plough your way through the dull stuff to get to the interesting stuff and a chance to really widen your social circle.

ShyBaby · 30/11/2008 21:07

yanbu.

I cant stand that kind of thing either. Going to playgroup is my idea of hell and im not a nasty person at all.

I dont think not wanting to talk about the colour of my dd's poo makes me sour...its just not very interesting to me.

I vividly remember walking behind two mums blocking the way out of ds's school, while they had an in depth conversation about ironing. Fine, if thats what they like to talk about, doesn't mean I have to take an interest!

Ohforfoxsake · 30/11/2008 21:12

But these boring conversations are only 'openers', getting to know people.

I don't get it. How will you get to know anyone or make any friends?

I've been going to the same playgroup for 6 years, our older children are all at school together. We don't talk about poo anymore. Sometimes we go and drink until we are drunk, or have dinner, or have a breakdown, or another baby ... the conversation has moved on.

But I'm fairly sure we started by talking about the colour of our children's poos

peacelily · 30/11/2008 21:14

I actually mentioned to a friend that i was a bit put off one of her friends because of the constant covert bragging, it gets wearing....friend smiled wryly, she's too nice to agree but know she feels the same ( it kind of came up naturally in conversation I didn't just throw it in out of spite!).

There's definite division round these parts between SAHMs and WOHMs manly because it's fairly affluent and in a lot of families both parents have to work. the SAHMs IME can rub people up the wrong way with some of the comments they make and these are the ones that usually frequent the groups. I KNOW btw this isn't true for all SAHMs (2 of them are friends but they are v "yummy" in their attitude).

I can see your point Scottishmummy but fater you've been to several groups smiled politle, expressed interest in dcs tryed to join in and still been cold shouldered or had to tolerate an avalanche of bragging you do lose hope a bit.

WotsThatSkippy · 30/11/2008 21:18

Everything in moderation.

With my first child I put pressure on myself to go to loads of M&T groups and 'make friends'. I didn't. I just sat there feeljng pressurised and bloody miserable. I didn't want to talk about motherhood endlessly. I found the whole thing boring. But as time has gone on and I have put less pressure on myself, I find I quite like the contact I have with other mums. I go for coffee with a few mums from my son's nursery these days and we talk about all sorts - and it's nice.
Maybe it's because our PFBs are all older now and we all have second / third kids?

ShyBaby · 30/11/2008 21:25

Ah but if you'd never even consider talking about the colour of your childs poo to start with, how will you ever relate to these people?

Dd went to a party last year, lovely nice posh house, nice parents.

I felt itchy from the minute I got there...they were lovely people but we had absolutely nothing in common. There's no way we would ever be friends.

I kept my mouth firmly shut about being a single parent because we wouldn't really have fitted in. They were all so perfect!

motherinferior · 30/11/2008 21:34

'Sometimes we go and drink until we are drunk, or have dinner, or have a breakdown, or another baby'...spot on.

I never did toddler groups (through a similar snobbery reticence which was almost certainly misplaced) but the school gates are quite lovely.

And frankly if you think 'women are so bitchy and fickle'...

ScottishMummy · 30/11/2008 21:43

sound like a jungle out there! i am glad i work

Twinklemegan · 30/11/2008 21:43

My experience of parent & toddler groups, mother & baby groups, whatever you want to call them, is not a good one. I have learnt two things:

  1. If you're a WOHM going there with DS on your day off, don't bother, or if you do bother don't whatever you do mention that you're a WOHM. That is an instant conversation stopper.

  2. Despite the fact that you all have children, if you didn't have anything in common with these people before children you still don't have anything in common after children. Many women are cliquey and bitchy - having children doesn't change that one bit, in fact it reinforces it.

IME

ChukkyPig · 30/11/2008 21:49

I think the real question is - do you want/need to make any mummy friends?

If you do feel that you would like to make friends with people who have children then you are going to have to bite the bullet and plough on with the small talk.

If you don't want/need any friends as you are fine as you are/you already have lots of frends then really don't put yourself through it just give it a miss.

Easy peasy!

motherinferior · 30/11/2008 21:52

I don't think it's just 'mummy friends' (or indeed 'daddy friends'). Do you quite fancy making some new friends - however many you've got already? If so, see what they're like.

ChukkyPig · 30/11/2008 21:56

OK motherinferior fair point [chastened]

MincePirate · 30/11/2008 21:56

i used to find some of it a bit tiresome, so in that regard i get you. yet i also found some mums there that I enjoyed talking too. You get on with some and not others. Same as now, and my dd is 6.

sometimes tho i just wanted my dd to crawl off, and play so i could sit by myself in a kind of peace for oooh all of 3 minutes or something!!

motherinferior · 30/11/2008 21:57
UnquietDad · 30/11/2008 21:59

You're right, there is an awful lot of boring twaddle talked at school gates and P&T groups. I think you just need to get past that and talk to people as people. I have a bit of a reputation at the school for going up to any old group and chatting (in quite open terms) about the weaknesses of the head and various other teachers, and the cliquiness of the PFA and people's obsessiveness about secondary catchments. It gets people talking. And they remember me.

piscesmoon · 30/11/2008 22:01

YABU and very miserable.
Out of all the women there there must be some on your wave length, if you bothered to get to know them!
Of course you have to start somewhere which is something that you have in common, your DCs (or the weather!)You can then get beyond that and make friends.
I think you have an incredibly high opinion of yourself, to say that you are a wonderful, exciting and interesting person and any other woman with a DC is brain dead!
They probably look at you and think the same. It takes a bit of effort to get below the surface but people are very often not what they seem.

UnquietDad · 30/11/2008 22:01

What does piss me off, though, is the gossiping gaggles blocking the corridor in the morning - ahem, 8.40 IN THE MORNING, when some of us are trying to get to WORK? Hello, remember that from the dim and distant past? Thing hubby puts his suit on for in morning? Think hard, it'll come back to you. Some people think that, because they have all the time in the world, so does everyone else.

TheFallenMadonna · 30/11/2008 22:07

It's the same in most social situations isn't it? You start off by talking about something safe and neutral, to get the measure of people. Then you form friendships and work up to talking about any- and everything.

I've just gone back to work after 5 years at home (and playgroups!) and am doing it all over again. Yakking on about work, I rather miss the more stimulating discussions I had at playgroup frankly. But I'll move on from the safe conversation there, just as I did before.

peacelily · 30/11/2008 22:12

Totally agree twinklemegan, used to take dd to a music rhymy typr group she liked on my day off but got fed up with the cold shoulder, all the other mums knew each other and kept their distance despite the usual friendly overtures, a WOHM! careful it might be catching!

Now i think we only have one day together just the 2 of us so lets just be the 2 of us, I always meet friendlier people in the park actually, more of a variety of people there I think.

for some of us I'm afraid large groups of women do just not appeal.

I'd love to know what the SAHDs do though, I know for a fact there's a couple round here and a dh of a friend will become one to their twins after she's finished mat leave, does anyone else ever see this rarely spotted creature?

jasper · 30/11/2008 22:16

Brought back memories.
I dont think you are being unnreasonable at all.

Playgroup - stuck with other women for two hours at a time just because you have little kids?
YUK!

piscesmoon · 30/11/2008 22:18

I think that you have far more stimulating conversations at playgroups than boringly talking about work. Once you get to know people you don't have to talk about your DCs!
If you don't bother to get to know them you will never know!