That dh refuses to move out?

[QueenEagle]

He works 4am til 1pm 5 nights per week. Takes older boys to football on Sundays. He does the school run, dinner, bath and bedtime routine when I am working lates. He will clear up dinner things but often not properly and "forgets" things.

I work a 5 week rota on shifts inlcuding nights. I do the morning school run, getting younger ds's up, fed, dressed when I am on lates or off. I have youngest ds at home with me on all of my days off and I do the school runs, dinners, clearing up, baths & bedtimes. I do ALL of the cleaning which is a lot as we have a 5 bed house. I do ALL of the ironing which is A LOT as we have 5 dc's. We share the shopping.

When we are both at home, he does nothing and sits back to let/expect me to do everything. When he is in charge of the household it is all very disorganised and cluttered/messy. When I am at home stuff gets done, I take the kids out and he says he is in awe of the fact I can do this so effortlessly.

Often over the last 3 years I have sat him down or written him emails about how he doesn't (IMO) pull his weight PROPERLY. He moans about everything, is very negative, very pessimistic, has little confidence (never has) and has said he wishes I was at home as he finds it hard to cope with everything therefore that's why he feels he can't do things thoroughly. He is not depressed, just not very efficient and capable when it comes to domestic stuff. He agrees he should be more organised but then cannot fathom how to despite me helping him. When I sit him down to talk he actually sits in silence and will not respond to me. If I press him (gently I hasten to add) he will say he knows what he needs to do but can't. He can do things if I remind him, leave him lists and think for him but I am fed up of this and think at the grand old age of 42 he should be able to do these things for himself. He is soooo passive I could scream. He was like this when we first met and back then I enjoyed looking after him but we have had 2 kids together (and he is dad to my 3 too) since then and I have returned to full time work but he has never grown with all the changes, just resented them.

I want him to move out, he won't as he says we are married and shouldn't give up just like that. I say that I have tried to get him to buck his ideas up which he has agreed to, but hasn't done anything constructive about it. We went to Relate a few weeks ago - the counsellor said we have a typical mother/child relationship and he is emotionally stuck at a 5 year old child level when it comes to dealing with issues with me. She told him he so far has been unable to step up as an adult. It all struck a chord and dh agrees with her views but thinks that I should put up with him the way he is because I married him.

I don't want to live like this anymore which dh knows - but how do I get him to see that we should split up?

If you are both working shifts why not get a cleaner or outsource the ironing? Seems the crux of the problem is housework in the main.

Why should he have to be the one to move out. He obviously loves his children and has no desire to leave them.

He's right to want to work at the marriage, especially as from the above its not major issues.

Does he have somewhere to go?
If he moves out can you (jointly) afford to pay for his accomodation while you stay in your current home?
Have you discussed practical/financial issues like this? As its you who wants him to go, I guess its up to you to put forward options.

Bit drastic isn't it. You have only listed his failings in his housekeeping duties, not mentioned any problem with his ability to be a dad or to provide financially for his extended family. You havent really given sufficient reasons to justify booting him out.

His parents have a 3 bed house but he has refused point blank to go there whilst he saves up enough to buy/rent a place of his own.

He has always said he will change but never has. I have 5 children already and he acts as my 6th which he finds quite amusing and thinks I should love him for being like that.

If you still love him and enjoy his company then I would try to work around the other issues but I can see how fustrating living with him would be tbh.

Can you just do everything for you and as much as you can for your dc's while the stuff he needs gets left for him to do (and obviously his fair share of things for the dc's)

Can either of you change jobs/ hours so that it's not such a hectic schedule?

Erm, actually I think YABVVU. Get a cleaner and either stop ironing or get the ironing done. Write him lists...I have to do this with my DH otherwise he too forgets stuff. Nothing to do with being stuck at a 5 year old level, it is simply the way things are. If you writing a list = him doing the jobs, then do that.

I shall now sit on my hands.

i think yabu - he went to relate. he wants to make marriage work. but he is right. he was like this when you married him.

he does everything else except houswork. why for the sake of your marriage can you not get a cleaner or just do it yourself. and get him to do something in return as a comprise.

or perhaps say that on 1 particular day of the week he must have the house spotless. or insist he does one aspect . like the ironing everyday, so there's never that for you.

this is a good starting point. then in maybe a few months time. say right... also 1 day a week you must clean the bogs.

imo ironing and bogs are the worst. and cleaning floors. even a quick hoover just before your due home is a grea cheats way that will make you feel better as it will resemble a degree of tidyness. you could perhaps phone when on way home. or quick text when leaving. dont say then he must get hoover out. but arrange that this is going to be secret code for "quick get hoover/brush out and check toilet for skid marks."

why do you iron for everyone?

he sounds like a smug cunt tbh.

why dont you move?

Agree with Trifle - you seem about fixated on the housework part of your marriage, tbh. If this was magically fixed over night, would your marriage be magically fixed too?

Is there any way you can get some extra help around the house?

You say he refuses to go to his parents house whils he "saves up for his own place" . Sorry, but do you mean that your family home is owned by you alone, and he has paid nothing towards it?

Oh, and I have 6 bedrooms/5 bathrooms. We both work fulltime shifts therefore I have a cleaner once a week who cleans all bathrooms, hoovers all stairs and landings, cleans kitchen/utility/conservatory and all hard floors. Total sanity saver.

Yes I agree I have just touched the surface. There is sooo much more.

He needs a lot of emotional support to cope with going out to see friends or dealing with situations. He sits in silence as he does not know how to talk to anyone, doesn't know what to say to them. He has said himself that he wishes he had more backbone.

He does pick on the kids for very minor things which means I end up being a referee between them. One example from 2 weeks ago - ds3 aged13 sitting on sofa watching tv. dh walks into the room demands the remote control as he wants to turn it over. ds says can I just finish watching this please, dh says no and again demands the remote. ds digs his heels in as he feels dh is out of order and dh sends ds to his room! When I discussed this with him, he could see that he was wrong but still does stupid things like this over and over.

He is a nice enough bloke, not a bad bone in his body but he is very weak and feeble. I cannot live with him for the next 30 - 40 years like this so something has got to happen. House is in my name only so it would be him who moves out.

fwiw i think this guy sounds amazing. helps with dc and your own dc from previous relationship finiancially and emotionally.

how you can ask him to move out over housewrok is beyond me.

yabvu

and sound like very high maintenence. no relationship is perfect. no marriage will work if you expect to have it all in life.

tell him if he's not going to help then he can pay for a cleaner and to have the ironing sent out

do you love him?

ilove - I have worked very very hard to resolve issues. I have had a cleaner - he didn't like someone being in the house and stopped it. He doesn't want to decorate, make the house nice, but I over ruled him and got the kitchen refitted without his input and afterwards he agreed it was great and wishes he could be more positive and get himslef more involved.

custardo - I iron for my 2 little ones and myself, occasionally do it for older ds's and dd but they do a lot of their own stuff. I have stopped doing dh's.

dh also moans like hell that the kids haven't done this that, the other etc, but does not lead by example which is another bone of contention.

I don't love him any more, he has eroded away my feelings over the years due to his attitude.

Agree on getting a cleaner and someone in to do the ironing.

Dont think you should be writting him lists though - as said you are not his mother so you also have to not behave like his mother.

You are both part of the problem him for behaving like your son and you for allowing that and treating him like your son.

You can make all the excuses - well it wouldn't get sdone if I didn't and the place would fall apart etc.

Stop doing it, stop being his mother, stop doing it. Keep repeating it.

You may even find if you stop the mother son relationship that your sex life improves.

Organise things if you want as if he isn't there - but dont include him as your 6 th child.

I hope you can work things out.

Well, you didn't say you didn't love him originally you just moaned that he doesn't do what you want him to do.

I, too, am shy and have no confidence and hardly ever do anything but work and stay in...and if my husband was with me like you are with yours then I'd be totally stuffed

Fortunately he adores me and helps me.

You dont love him. From your posts it is clear you dont respect him or even like him. It sounds as if your relationship has run its course.It doesnt sound like he's done much wrong (ie he was like this when you met him)but that you want a differnt sort of relationship that he is unable to give.

I hope you can resolve things amicably for all concerned.

I suggested putting little ones into childminder for an extra hour per day to give him time to get things done when he said he didn't have time to do stuff. He refused point blank to agree to it.

elmoandella - I am not high maintenance at all! I expect him to work as hard at home as I do and do things properly as I do. You say he is amazing for "helping with the dc's" - what do you mean "helping with the dc's"? ffs they are his kids too!! He SHOULD be doing his fair share! It should be joint - it's not!!

He has a very undemanding job from which he can switch off when he gets home. He doesn't like his job but has never done anything to change it over the last 21 years. My job very often means having to work overtime and I cannot switch it off although I love every minute of it which I think he resents.

Judgemental some of you lot aintcha!!

TBH he sounds like he needs some help. You say he is not depressed, but a lot of the things you say he has trouble with sound very much like he has anxiety/stress/depression issues. Difficult to tell over t'internet obviously...but maybe worth helping him get some support from his GP if he wants to change.

IMO you are sounding out the little issues.. because you no longer want to be with him.

If you don't want to be with him.. tell him.. and tell him why.. not just the household things.

If I'm wrong and you still love him.. then you need to remember that you knew who he was before you got married. you will never change a person. Therefore you need to tell him that your getting to the point of giving up and if he wants it to work you need to sgree and ACT upon your joint descisions.

If there is a glint of still loving him It is worth giving it a go. If not it's not fair on him.

terramum - I have been suggesting he gets help with his confidence issues, he keeps putting it off. He went to Relate thinking they would wave a magic wand and make everything alright for him - he actually said this!

I don't love him, don't want to be with him and he knows this but still thinks we should stay together. We get on ok day to day but deeper issues are never ever spoken about and he sits in silence when I try to address them. He has agreed with everyhting I have said that is wrong in our relationship but just accepts that's the way it is and will not actively try to make things better.

nope sorry - ya still bu

he has never changed. he has always been like this you say. you didn't mind at all originally.

completely unrealistic and your fault to expect him to change now that it takes your fancy.

he's just not as efficient as you at working full time and looking after dc and keeping ontop of household chores.

your obviously very efficient. just because he's less so, does not make him a lesser man. one of main reasons he probably married you is that you were efficient and could help balance his rubbish ways of organising and tidying.

relationships are about balance. there must be something he brings to the relationship that you dont??

i assume since he's so laid back, he's probably very patient and good with the dc. more so than you can be with your rigourous cleaning and organising. and you say if he asks he does things for you. i bet when your struggling and things are getting on top of you he will calmly do the things you ask even while he has to put up with you moaning its all his fault in first place for being disorganised.

news flash - you set up this pattern when you allowed it to happen in first place

but i could be completely wrong. but from the description you gave iriginally he was the a good opposite of laid back cool to combat your nature.thats what brought you together in first place. this is what you need to realise. and accept if you want to make the marriage work. he's been trying. you could too. it's never too let.

or you could go down the road that house is in your name. change locks and throw away years of a relationship and leave another of you 2 dc to be raised in a seperate household from their father.

I still don't understand why you think he should move out? You are the one who seems most unhappy with things, you don't want to live under the same roof, so why don't you go?

"I expect him to work as hard at home as I do and do things properly as I do"

"House is in my name only so it would be him who moves out."

You sound a nightmare to live with tbh. So what if he has an easy job, who cares as long as he is helping to financially support the family? His confidence may be low as its seems to be all about how good you are around the house, at work, with the children etc.

He took on children that were not his which some men wouldnt even consider. 5 children and both working shifts is going to be hard work but you decided to have that many.

As for the comment over owning the house, its a marriage so its both of yours regardless of the deeds. Do you really think he should get nothing and just walk away back to his parents. I'm sure if it was the other way round you'd have made an appointment with a solicitor by now.