He works 4am til 1pm 5 nights per week. Takes older boys to football on Sundays. He does the school run, dinner, bath and bedtime routine when I am working lates. He will clear up dinner things but often not properly and "forgets" things.
I work a 5 week rota on shifts inlcuding nights. I do the morning school run, getting younger ds's up, fed, dressed when I am on lates or off. I have youngest ds at home with me on all of my days off and I do the school runs, dinners, clearing up, baths & bedtimes. I do ALL of the cleaning which is a lot as we have a 5 bed house. I do ALL of the ironing which is A LOT as we have 5 dc's. We share the shopping.
When we are both at home, he does nothing and sits back to let/expect me to do everything. When he is in charge of the household it is all very disorganised and cluttered/messy. When I am at home stuff gets done, I take the kids out and he says he is in awe of the fact I can do this so effortlessly.
Often over the last 3 years I have sat him down or written him emails about how he doesn't (IMO) pull his weight PROPERLY. He moans about everything, is very negative, very pessimistic, has little confidence (never has) and has said he wishes I was at home as he finds it hard to cope with everything therefore that's why he feels he can't do things thoroughly. He is not depressed, just not very efficient and capable when it comes to domestic stuff. He agrees he should be more organised but then cannot fathom how to despite me helping him. When I sit him down to talk he actually sits in silence and will not respond to me. If I press him (gently I hasten to add) he will say he knows what he needs to do but can't. He can do things if I remind him, leave him lists and think for him but I am fed up of this and think at the grand old age of 42 he should be able to do these things for himself. He is soooo passive I could scream. He was like this when we first met and back then I enjoyed looking after him but we have had 2 kids together (and he is dad to my 3 too) since then and I have returned to full time work but he has never grown with all the changes, just resented them.
I want him to move out, he won't as he says we are married and shouldn't give up just like that. I say that I have tried to get him to buck his ideas up which he has agreed to, but hasn't done anything constructive about it. We went to Relate a few weeks ago - the counsellor said we have a typical mother/child relationship and he is emotionally stuck at a 5 year old child level when it comes to dealing with issues with me. She told him he so far has been unable to step up as an adult. It all struck a chord and dh agrees with her views but thinks that I should put up with him the way he is because I married him.
I don't want to live like this anymore which dh knows - but how do I get him to see that we should split up?