To think that DH could be a bit more concerned that his mother is coming to stay in 2 days time?

[timesup]

The situation is MIL is flying over on saturday and staying until tuesday morning.

DS and DD were of sick last week and although although back to school I have now got the bug that they had and have had a constant headache,shivers and just feeling sick all the time.

The hoover went bang on saturday halfway through me hoovering upstairs and DH promised he would get a replacement on the way home from work on monday.

No hoover as yet and DH has been home late this week so far after having drinks after work with workmates.

I know he has a stressful week at work this week but he saiddhe would be home to help get the house in order for her visit.

The whole house needs a good hoovering.
the spare room which he is currently using as his dressing room,computer room,needs a good tidying as she will be sleeping there.
Have got the clean bed linen ready but he says he is going to buy a new duvet so can't even get that ready.

The bathroom she will be using could do with a general clean and the kitchen etc etc.

Have been feeling terrible and been going to bed early every night as am exhausted after nurse maiding the chiildren last week and now feeling ill myself.
Broached the subject of food whilst she was here as was going to do an online shop but he just said don't worry and get yourself all worked up or you will spoil her visit.

She is a very good cook and her other DIL was on masterchef so no pressure then

At the moment as I have'nt felt like eating the thought of orgainising meals make me feel ill .

He did offer to get a few things at the supermarket on saturday and he would cook.
Although he can cook very well he hardly ever does and as his mother has old fashioned values and sees it as the womans job to cook she will think he does it all the time.

When in reality I cook all the time.
Maybe that's what he wants her to think.
But then she will think bad of me.

Usually he is in the pub most nights and me and the children eat alone,his sits in the oven.

If the house is a mess then it will be down to me,so as much as he says don't worry about it ,I do.

She won't think bad of you
Your perception of what she thinks is probably OTT
all she probably wants to see are you and the grandkids, not the state of the bathroom
Just cook one night, fish and chips one night and eat out one day
Don't make life hard for yourself, let dh clean and cook so you can recover

compo-she's not really a fish and chips kinda woman.

She never has takeaways.

The thing is when is DH going to clean,he is at work now until friday night and usually gets in after a visit to the pub so time is running out.
He is always a leave it to the last minute person.

Very frustrating.

I know he will probably maon about having to shop at sainsburys on saturday when it is usually mad on a saturday morning,but he suggested it!!!

I should just relax and leave it to him. She will just have to take you as she finds you!

I do tend to worry about most things.

But on our visit to her in the summer she was aghast that DH irons his own shirts and that I never mow the lawn.

Explained that I do most of the housework everyday and outside was DH's domain.
But could tell she was'nt impressed.

Just fed up because I am feeling down and sorry for myself and DH is in a pub somewhere whilst i am here orgainsing the childrens meals/bedtime yet again and could do with a hand.

Especially as he said onmonday night you look awful ,you need to rest

If she thinks it is OK for a man to disappear down to the pub everynight, I wouldn't be too impressed with her views on ironing shirts etc.

piscesmoon-she would'nt know that he goes to the pub that often and probably would'nt appreciate me telling her,nethier would DH for that matter.

Although when we stay at hers and other siblings are staying they usually all decamp to the local village pub and she calls them when dinner is ready

Pre dinner drinks I think they call it and totally reasonable.

DH was brought up with his mother entertaining a lot for his fathers clients and so is the norm.

Meant to say he is still not home and had e mailed him earlier before he left the office to ask what time he would be home for dinner,no reply.
But then no reply when I e mailed him yesterday ethier.

Obviously not concerned to find out how I am feeling!!

I would only think it totally reasonable if I could go too!

Usually it's adults only and I have stayed behind to mind the children,busmans holiday anyone?

Looks like it will be a taxi home tonight then for DH so no chance of any hoover appearing.

Just as well really,as the way I am feeling I may well throw it at him.

She'll see that you are ill, I'm sure, and not be at all surprised that things are a little rough around the edges.

Anyway, sounds like she already thinks you aren't much of a housewife (hooray for you!) so why the heck are you bothered? It's just more of the same!

Remind DH of the things he said he'd do. Let him moan (it won't kill you to hear him moan a bit, I take it?), let him get on with it, and go to bed.

No problem.

Or you could ring her and warn her of the situation and then maybe she'll come prepared to help out a bit? No law against guests being useful, especially Grandmothers.

Chin up!

prettybutterfly-I suspose I am trying to keep with the other DIL's as she is always full of praise for both them.

DH will be in no fit state to start tidying when he fianally gets in tonight.

As for her helping out she has never really been that type of grandmother-hands on so to speak.

Just feeling like crap now ,tried ringing him but he is not answering.

That would drive me mad too. I'm awful one for tidying for a 'royal visit' by family or friends. I'd be feeling just the same as you are. My DH thinks I'm crazy, he doesn't care and thinks people should take us as we are. Men just don't get it, it always reflects on the woman not the man if things are in a state.

I'd be pretty peed off if my dh was in the pub all the time too though. YANBU. When do you get to go th

You are not going to please her. You are just not.

I bet the other DILs feel the same, about different things!

You are ill. Do not drive yourself to collapse by racing round for her. CONVALESCE. Your health is really important to your family; try to recover. So what if she doesn't like takeaways - it won't kill her. Do you love everything about her? Of course not - and it doesn't hurt her. So it won't hurt you if she doesn't love everything about you. Just be yourself - a person who is having a really rough week and has a busy time - and treat her with enough respect to see the real you. It might even advance your relationship.

Wizzska-I never got to go but then to be honest am not one for pubs really.

Am usually pretty peed off when he stays out and does'nt saye when he will be back,even more so because I am ill and could really do with going to bed.

Need to stay up and let him in though as noticed he did'nt take his house keys with him this morning.

It's true,it does always reflect on the woman re the state of the state of the house and it is important to me that MIL thinks well of me.

But she has had 16 years to get used to me.

Remember when we got engaged 11 years ago she sat us down and told us a story of people she knew who got married from different backgrounds and how it never works out.

ie,me working class,shop girl, never travelled,DH,top private schools abroad,uni,well travelled.

Well am still here ,2 children and 10 years of marriage later.

choosyfloosy-maybe I am seeking for her approval.
My owm mother died 15 years ago and my father 11 years ago so they never got to see my children.
Still gives me a lump in my throat and tears in my eyes typing that after all this time.

Expect that it why I hold a lot of importance on her relationship with me and the children,who she sees just twice a year.

FIL sees the children once ayear when we visit them and chooses not to come on the pre christmas visit.

Long story but DH and him have issues.

None of which are my childrens fault,but there you go.

Have never really been close,once tried to talk to her about some anxiety issues I have which crop up every now and then but she just said she thought I was strange

timesup, you have my sympathies. my in laws arrive tomorrow and i have just sat down now after going to work all day, picking ds up from nursery, going to supermarket and cleaning flat. where is my dp? why he went to the pub straight from work to watch the football. THEY'RE HIS BLOODY PARENTS!!!!!!!

on a more reasonable note, the inlaws are lovely and treatme like their own daughter whereas my parents are vile and never come round!

Hope you feel better soon timesup, + that your dh gets home soon + does his share of the chores!!

I sympathise with you over your in-laws, as I get the feeling my in-laws assume my dh does everything inc. all the cooking! Of course he doesn't, I cook all week for all of us + he cooks on one weekend evening per week. I do appreciate it, but it's always those evenings he chooses to phone his parents to chat, all the time saying, "Can't be too long, I'm just taking the lamb out of the oven", or "Sorry, pan boiling over, all sorted now!"

Then during the course of the next week I get both his parents + sister asking if I enjoyed my meal, + how lucky I am to be able to just leave him to it!!

I do point out that I cook all week for all of us, but don't think they believe me!

zebedee1-maybe that's what my DH was doing,watching the football.
Which my in laws were the same as yours,I never quite measure up.

onthepier-my DH does that as well,he was on the phone this sunday and had made poached eggs for the children and was telling his mum all about it.
As if I never feed them.

Not had much sense from him since he staggered in about an hour ago.

No bloody hoover.

I think he is getting stressed about is mums visit as much as he says he is'nt.

Had a bit of a moan about what time do you call this,and we have loads to do etc

Knew I should have kept my mouth shut.

He strated ranting but the downstairs cloakroom needing cleaning and did I know what a loo brush looks like.

He then said I was'nt ill at all and I was making a fuss because his mother was coming to stay and whatever issues we have with each other to forget it and not let it spoil her visit.
I said be gratful oyu can still have visits from oyur mum but he kept saying it's not my fault your parents are dead,and emphasizing[sp] the word dead.

Deep talk when i was just discussing cleaning.

I told him if he was that bothered about the loo go and clean it.
But he told me to F off and said he does'nt come home from work to start cleaning.

I then got called a stupid bitch and told he hasd nothing to come home for as far as I am concerned and to go and F**k myself.

So what started as a thread about cleaning,was obviously never just about cleaning to my DH!!!

Am feeling worn down now and numb.

Oh dear.
Are yuo a SAHM?

Yes ,I am a SAHM at the moment

My DS has SN and I go into school to help out and also he has numerous appointments to go to and meetings to attend so finding a job to fit around that is difficult.

But of course whilst his mum is here he will be the devoted,husband,father.

I will be the mother and wife who does'nt clean the house properly and a bit loopy and DH did all the cooking on her visit.

Timesup, your dh is being totally unreasonable. I understand how you feel about wanting the house to be inorder for you mil to stay. I feel the same way when mine comes and stays. She also finds something to criticise no matter how clean and tidy it is and how nicely I cook the meals, e.g. last time I was so busy cleaning and baking for her that I couldn't make baby food so give ds a jar of babyfood which is a big no no in her book. She's also telling me to buy stuff all the time when we're on a tight budget. I also get compared to my sils who are both sahm whereas I study. And apparently my ds should be on formula according to her. So what I'm saying is don't worry, no matter what you do she'll find something.

Also, you dh needs to get his arse into gear - going to the pub every night is not on. Once you feel better -start going out at least once a fortnight in the evening yourself to give him an idea of how boring it is being at home by yourself. My dh used to go out three nights a week until I put my foot down. Ultimately, it's his mother staying, he needs to do what he needs wants done. Explain that you're unwell and leave it at that. If you've got the energy to make up the bed and clean bathrooms do it, if not go to bed and rest. You've got make it clear to guys that you're sick by being in bed otherwise they expect you to keep on doing everything.

Hth - I wish I could come and clean and cook for you - instead I'm sending you a big unmumsnetty hug from the other side of the world.

anniemac-I suspose I resent the fact that DH hardly cooks although he can and he is making an effort for his mum which he does'nt feel he needs to make for me.
Also she will be under the impression he usually cooks and so he will be in her good books.
When the truth is I do all the cooking and comes home when he feels like it to eat it or keeps us waiting on him to eat.

MIL does'nt get involved in cooking at all whilst here.