to hav made my mother cry, she told my dd off for making a happy shriek and said to was a horrid noise....

[drpumpkinbread]

so i told her not to tell my dd off for making a happy squel,as her singing is horrible but we have to put up with that horrid noise.

then she starts crying ffs

BOF - sorry i got distracted with work, can you link to thread?

Have shouted for you in chat instead VT, if you can find it there ? Your name in title, but I can't do links off my phone x

YABU and over reacting, remember your mum is a person with feelings too. Is she Ok, we always assumne our mums are Ok, trust me sometimes they are not.

pmsl @ moanylisa great minds!!!

my dd4 squeals and squeeks all the time, she doesnt really talk apart from the occasional word.(shes sn)if anyone spoke to my child like that id have ko d them. its unnessesary to tell off a child for anything that isnt dangerous,and no-one should ever disapline your child for doing something thats natural,...making noise is part of the learning to speak process isnt it?your mother underminded you , id have been furious,she got off lightly,

Got off lightly when the poor woman was spoken to so that she sobbed for 45mins!!

I find it strange that no one is allowed to speak to the child, but it is perfectly OK to be horrible to the adult-and then not to care, or even find out why she was upset.

She sobbed after she was spoken to - not because she was spoken to. I had to tell someone i knew not to speak in a certain way infornt of my dd and I too got the wailing/her dh had to get involved/she even ended up apparently having to get her tablets increased because she was so traumatised by me saying (not yelling/swearing/being abusive)to her.

Also the OP has been very patient with her mother as her mother has told her dd off before for squealing - it wasnt the first time. DD is 18 months for goodness sake

Yes, the mother has seemingly got problems which need to be looked at. But the OP didnt know she would react like that. What is the alternative? Be like my "friend" and no-one dare ever tell you that you are wrong in case you fly off the handle???

I feel you could have both handled it better but can understand that if there is no regular clear communication between the two of you this could be a problem ie your mother bottles it up, and so do you. What causes the lack of communication? Where does the problem exist for you?

The crying yes could be depression, if you don't have a close relationship? (presuming that by the fact you don't seem to communicate your feelings to one another?) then it could be difficult for you to hug your mother. Is this crying normal? Yep thinking of emotional blackmail or it could be just upset/depression.

Either way, make clear to her the boundries, your the mum now, if she has a problem with dd perhaps go through you first, but snapping at your dd is unreasonable and not acceptable, let her know this. I'm afraid making comments about her singing (however valid that may be...my mother and mil both have terrible singing voices and sing often , you have my sympathy there) apologise for making a personal comment and that you understand why she would have found it hurtful.

If you think this was out of character for your mum to burst into tears, then maybe something else is upsetting her?

You maybe should have not insulted her singing, but you were right to tell her not to tell dd off for shreiking.

pisces moon , ops mother did get off lightly, she got a slightly bitchy comment fom her daughter, after giving a little toddler a row FOR NOTHING. the only reason she was crying for 45 mins was most likely she KNEW she was out of order and was trying to earn sympathy,by overreacting! the grandmother ic clearly being mantipulative,dont always asume there something wrong or something else upsetting her.she was fine before .and as for understanding her, what about her understanding her granchild???

OK. Take this for an example. Small child bashing a toy on a hard floor for ages and ages. Or banging a chair. Child quite happy. Why shouldn't she do it? How about because it drives everyone else mad and makes life unpleasant for them? There is absolutely no reason to ask nastily but quite within the GPs rights to ask the child to desist. Same with 'happy squealing'.

Any grown woman who cries for 45 mins because she is trying to 'elicit sympathy' is unhinged and needs help. Ditto one who cries because she has been told off

ormlrian, bashing toys is destruction, children should be taught not to do that, i agree with you on that, happy squealing IS part of a child developing language skills,(have dd who is mostly non verbal,didnt do happy squealing at 18months, does now at 3yrs).i also agree about eliciting sympathy is unhinged and needing help.

I think the whole thing was blown out of all proportion! It is certainly not worth having bad feeling about.

"what other names are there for it other than squeling ? "

Umm, squealing?
Which, by the way, can be really annoying. One man's squealing is another man's poison if you know what I mean?

I feel sorry for your mother. If she is a 'nutter' as you so charmingly put it, why not have a bit of sympathy?

yup squealing is squealing, but it is neccessary for young children,to excercise their vocal cords, how else are they supposed to learn to control them?.its annoying if you dont understand why kids do it,how many do you have?? ive got 8 ,think i know what im talking about.

A grown up can choose whether to sing badly, annoying other people or cry for 45 mins for whatever reason.

An 18 month old baby doesnt have that choice - it's a natural thing.

The OP asked if she was unreasonable TELLING her mother this. The subsequent issues over possible mental health issues about her mother then crying are another subject altogether and i really sympathise with the OP if this is common behaviour. It must be very waring coping with tantrums from both ends of the age spectrum.

Telling her mother was perfectly reasonable; I would just have expected her to find out what was really upsetting her mother.

Drpumpkinbread, thought I would respond to 'who are the toxic police'. The 'toxic police' are people like myself I suppose that have been emotionally or sexually or physically abused as children by their parents/caregivers, and sometimes that abuse continues into adulthood too. Just as people who have been abused by partners/dh's would graviate towards 'my dh snapped at my dd then got angry/cried for 45 min' threads', we gravitate towards this type of thread. Being abused by a partner/dh is a more serious problem than being abused by your parents, apparently to some. You will find your mother will get a lot of sympathy and understanding from people (perhaps because they are mothers themselves, understandably) than your dh/dp would perhaps, if he had done the same. Abuse by parents, when you become an adult is seen as okay by some if its done in the right way ie your mother is sad/lonely/give her a break/what if it were you and your dd saying that etc etc etc. There are many excuses used for abusive behaviour by parents, when you are an adult.

I am not saying you have been abused. I just feel your mothers response could be seen as emotionally blackmailing and this is not the first time she has done this. Either way you probably need to talk to your mum about this incident to sort it out.

Hth

It could be seen as emotional blackmail, it could also be seen as a problem. Blimey, talk about cynical Does no-one else's emotional state matter?

Ally, can I just jump back in here re the toxic police comment I made? Can I say that I felt it was probably I'll-judged and flippant of me, and I regret posting it. I certainly don't want to give the impression that I think people struggling with the legacy of emotional abuse deserve anything less than understanding and support.

My remark was insensitive, and I am sorry for that. I wasnt convinced that the OP was being serious and suspected it was a wind-up thread, hence I didn't think too hard when I posted. I think the people on the stately homes thread give an AMAZING amount of useful help and advice to each other- and although there may well be many others on MN with similar problems, there are also others who just over-play their parents' weaknesses or even post threads about them for a laugh. Getting sucked in to these kind of posts wastes the energy of genuine posters with useful experience of "toxic parents", and even creates a rolling of the eyes among others when a parent is criticized. Hence my flippant post- but my apology to you.

There's definitely something up with your mum. Would it be appropriate to bury the hatchet a bit, and broach the subject at the same time?

That squealing noise, happy or not, is pretty vile to have to listen to for more than, I don't know, half a second . There's nothing wrong with telling a child, even a very young one, not to do it, as long as you don't get all shouty and horrid about it

Bitoffun - thanks and I was a bit hasty posting my post too. I could have worded it better and in a calmer way. Sorry if I upset or offended you now you've explained...if that makes sense. And thanks for the compliment to the Statelys thread there are some amazing women on there and they all think their nothing madness. xx

OrmIrian - I was emotionally abused by my mother and tears were used to get her own way. I have been told I'm cynical before now...and its true. There has been lots of good advice already offered by other posters, and I think my (1st) post offered another valid pov.