She's meant to be my friend so why is she behaving like the neighbour from hell?

[rmm]

I'm taking deep breaths as i write this in an effort not to cry.

We moved house about 10 days ago. Its an estate of town houses and dh's partner at work also bought into the estate. Initially everything was great. it brought us all closer (partner and wife and DH and I) and i was so excited becasue not only are we friends but out children are around the same age.

But this last couple of weeks has made me feel as though i've made a serious mistake.
When we were looking at finishes for the house etc, everything became a competition with the wife. I'm not kidding it was beyond any funny high school cliques!!! But thats what it became.

Anyway they moved in a couple of weeks before we did and inspite of numerous offers of help she declined them all.

When we moved in, we were pretty organised and i'm quite proud to say out of boxes within a week. They are incidentially still living out of boxes and dont have furniture in half their rooms etc. But i've never paid any attention to it becasue everyone has their own priorities.

Anyway when we were moving i forgot to bring any drinking water and was really thirsty so i went to her house to get a drink and her childrens nanny said she was busy so i asked for a drink and left, only to get a txt from her later that day to say its her house and her rules and if i go over i must ring her door bell and infom her!!! (Shock)

So i apologised and now i always call in advance and ring her bell.

Then last week when we were moving the kids were playing together whilst i was trying to unpack some boxes and DD went over to her house with her DDs and 5 mins later i went to pick up dd as it was almost her dinner time only to be told i should have let "my friend" know in advance and she would have fed my child!!!!!!!! I never sent her over expecting to be fed. They were playing together and went to one of the houses. I quickly left and didnt say anything.
Now i dont let dd anywhere near her house which i find is so sad becasue it might be taken the wrong way.
Now to top it all off, the builders were fixing something and needed a ladder and asked if they could broow hers (they did some work in her hosue before coming to mine (so i txt her before sending them over and they got the ladder. Unknown to me they went back today to do more work (i'm at work) and just got a really stroppy call to say she doesnt lend out her thinsg to any "tom dick or harry" and if i need to borrow anything from her can i inform her in advance (shock)

I didnt even know!
I take responsibility that they should have asked me first, but surely we are meant to be really good friends its a ladder ffs, iT was returned within half an hour.

Am IBCU or is she?

she is obviously a weirdo twathead.

ignore ignore ignore. dont speak to her or entertain stupid people like this in your life., smile be polite and leave it at that, if she wants you let her come.

thats not a friend - thats a monster

I think that prior to the move you'd somehow misread what sort of a person she is, and the level of your friendship. She seems to have some issues , and I think just ignore, be civil, and stay well clear. Focus instead on getting to know the rest of the neighbours - she's not worth fretting about.

I rather suspect the problem is most firmly in her court, not yours!

The fact you even mentioned that your boxes are unpacked and hers are not, would suggest a bit of competition from both sides!

Sounds like she is stating the ground rules, start as you mean to go on etc, etc. Some people appreciate people just 'popping in' others dont.

As she said her house, her rules, its up to you whether you want to continue your friendship, now you know what she expects.

She is insane IMO. Keep clear.

Please dont waste any more time on her. Its a great shame because of the kids involved, but you really dont need neighbours from hell, believe me cos ive been there and am very close to being there again.

Just do as i do, bite your tongue and be civil. Time is too short to be bothered with this kinda crap to put up with.

There are friends, and there are friends. You have very different relationships with different friends. Living next door to a friend can be fraught with dangers. It is very easy for a friend to get too casual, expecting a far more relaxed attitude towards things which formerly would have been very structured.

You really need to work out some ground rules. Things about how often children will play together, what time, the rules on feeding them, notice for coming over for adults, etc.

I myself would be REALLY hesitant about living right next door to a friend. I prefer to have some distance so that friendships can't be abused - but also I prefer a fair amount of my 'own' time and wouldn't really like having someone pop in unannounced. Used to drive me batty when my family would drop in without notice - would be worse with friends.

I have never ever met anyone like this woman. I don't think OP is competitive. I think she was giving us a bit of background for possible issues of why this woman might be behaving like this.

Ditto.

Much sympathy - it's a stressful situation to find yourself in, but it sounds like she's got some problems and is pushing you away for whatever reason.

Perhaps you could ask her if she's ok as she doesn't seem her usual self?..maybe she's being aggressive because something's troubling her and she's not dealing with it very well. But I'd prepare myself to back off first.

I think she is probably stressed out because of the move and maybe she was didn't want to move next to you but was coerced into my her DH?

Whatever the reason, I get the feeling she has a prob with you, like it could be anything at all and she would find fault you know?

thell suggested asking her if she was ok, I would probably do the same and if she says 'fine', i'd definately back away from the area.

Does sound like you are both behaving competitively, certainly the fact you mentioned having unpacked already.

It does sound like she has set rules about when she welcomes visitors and you are much more relaxed. I agree with PP, if you want to be more friendly agree some ground rules and stop being so competitive.

How upsetting, it sounds like you were looking forward to having a friend close by and also friends for your dc's. Prior to you all moving into your houses did you talk about how it would be all living close by? did you/she talk about looking forward to it?

It sounds like you want to make it work, but are feeling hurt.

treat her like a new neighbour
dont nip around for a brew just leave it as hellos from the garden for now give it time to settle in

I never go over without calling first. But when we were moving she said feel free to come around if you need anything.
Thats why i felt it was ok to get some water to drink.

I totally understand that we need to have boundries and rules. I try very hard to behave with her the way i would want her to behave with me. She often pops over for a chat and even if i am in the middle of something i've always made time to spend with her bacsue i've felt she is a friend.

The kids often play together but now i feel like i have to monitor that becasue i know that's also going to be a sore point.

She has been acting really weird and i know she and her dh have been arguing a fair bit but she always brushes it off as nothing.

TBH it was beginning to feel like a toxic friendship for a while becasue she constantly made me feel like i dont do enough for my family, i'm not positive enough, i try to overacheive.
I'm 36 weeks pregnant and i dont always have a 3 course meal for my family but i always have food on the table. I've had a really tough pregnancy and dont always feel positive. I wanted to have the hosue organised for when the baby comes becasue iw ill need some down time then which becasue such an issue with her. I never hearthe end of how i made dh work so hard to help with the move and pushed myself too hard.

So thank you for making me feel like i'm being normal instead of hormonal and witch like!
I guess i'm sadly going to have to give up his friendship to preserve my own sanity!

Gosh aren't people weird? You only popped in to collect your DD for tea and she got the hump about that! Do you think you maybe being over sensitive and reading things wrong? Just a thought?...

Um. well - she does sound up tight but then again prehaps she is just laying some ground rules now? I don't like people coming to my house unannounced either and would prehaps find this set up a bit too intense - everyone is different. It is a shame as you were obviously expecting it to be different. I hope it all works out.

BabiesEverywhere - that's not fair. How often do OPs get grief for not giving all the information in their opening paragraph. Here the OP has provided as much info as possible and now you're construing it as her bragging and being competitive????

I have really tried to take a step back and not react from an emotional point of view becasue there is alot at stake. The kids, DH and partners business relationship.

I understand that she has her own way of doing things and she always needs to excel. Like a meal at her house is never just 1 or 2 courses but something elaborate and with many things.
Her kids always have to have the latest fads and be dressed in brand names. When i got her DDs some normal clothes she gave them away to the nanny!

I am alot more relaxed about things and don't stress about the small things. But i understand taht she likes things in a cretain way.

But i dont like being constantly made to feel inferior. Or that i'm not a good mum, or a good wife.

If i let dd have a chocolate or biscuit before a meal i'm accused of not being disciplined!! she's just 3! He dds are in bed at 7.30 sharp where as my dd goes to bed by 8!! Surely some fun is allowed? Plus its my child/house/dh. I dont comment on her liefstyle choices so why are mine alway up for critisism?

And why dont i just grow a back bone and tell her to get off???

I don't like people coming to my house unannounced and expecting to be entertained.

But I have no objection whatsoever to a neighbour ringing the bell to ask politely if they can borrow something.

So I don't think you've done anything wrong, but maybe keep a distance for a while and then arrange a formal, pre-arranged coffee or something and see if you can discuss some ground rules?

On the other hand, having read your last post, I think she sounds like a Stepford Wife and you'd be better putting your efforts into getting to know the other neighbours.

How long have you been in the new house(s)? Maybe you just need to give it a bit of time to settle down - moving is a stressful time, and moving next door (or near) to a friend does alter the dynamics of the friendship I guess.

MadMarg What an OP mentions in their first post indicates what is important to them. IMO (and I could be completely wrong of course) they both sound competive.

I think they both sound like nice ladies with a different outlook on acceptable social behaviour. But if they wish to remain friends a middle agreed road would have to be walked.

Sounds like the OP has decided to skip the friendship and I wish her well in her new house

rmm - growing a back bone is easier said than done! I hate confrontation and would rather back off and vanish than tell someone that they have upset me (unless it's poor old DH, or my sister !!).
If you can be brave and say something next time she criticises I will be full of admiration, but you're right about needing to be careful for the DHs' business relationship.

I hope you can try to 'rise above' her behaviour, you sound like a fab Mum and wife with your priorities absolutely right

OP, I do think the 'problems' are on both sides. You have critised her cooking, that her children have no fun due to early bed times and they don't wear 'normal' clothes. I bet your 'friend' will have similar complaints about your attitude to her !!!

I was friendly with a local lady who rubbed me up the wrong way until I suddenly realised mid conversation, that I was rubbing her up the wrong way in something I had just said.

Just the realisation that it was both of us made me relax. I have learnt that other people's parenting choices are just that 'theirs' and not a critism of mine and I should be careful not to take offence when none was intended.

That said if you get no joy from the friendship the sooner you both move onto new relationships the happier you will both be.

Just be yourself. Speak up next time. Look, by the sounds of if, SHE isn't worring about your husbands business arrangement when she says things to you is she?