She's meant to be my friend so why is she behaving like the neighbour from hell?

[rmm]

I'm taking deep breaths as i write this in an effort not to cry.

We moved house about 10 days ago. Its an estate of town houses and dh's partner at work also bought into the estate. Initially everything was great. it brought us all closer (partner and wife and DH and I) and i was so excited becasue not only are we friends but out children are around the same age.

But this last couple of weeks has made me feel as though i've made a serious mistake.
When we were looking at finishes for the house etc, everything became a competition with the wife. I'm not kidding it was beyond any funny high school cliques!!! But thats what it became.

Anyway they moved in a couple of weeks before we did and inspite of numerous offers of help she declined them all.

When we moved in, we were pretty organised and i'm quite proud to say out of boxes within a week. They are incidentially still living out of boxes and dont have furniture in half their rooms etc. But i've never paid any attention to it becasue everyone has their own priorities.

Anyway when we were moving i forgot to bring any drinking water and was really thirsty so i went to her house to get a drink and her childrens nanny said she was busy so i asked for a drink and left, only to get a txt from her later that day to say its her house and her rules and if i go over i must ring her door bell and infom her!!! (Shock)

So i apologised and now i always call in advance and ring her bell.

Then last week when we were moving the kids were playing together whilst i was trying to unpack some boxes and DD went over to her house with her DDs and 5 mins later i went to pick up dd as it was almost her dinner time only to be told i should have let "my friend" know in advance and she would have fed my child!!!!!!!! I never sent her over expecting to be fed. They were playing together and went to one of the houses. I quickly left and didnt say anything.
Now i dont let dd anywhere near her house which i find is so sad becasue it might be taken the wrong way.
Now to top it all off, the builders were fixing something and needed a ladder and asked if they could broow hers (they did some work in her hosue before coming to mine (so i txt her before sending them over and they got the ladder. Unknown to me they went back today to do more work (i'm at work) and just got a really stroppy call to say she doesnt lend out her thinsg to any "tom dick or harry" and if i need to borrow anything from her can i inform her in advance (shock)

I didnt even know!
I take responsibility that they should have asked me first, but surely we are meant to be really good friends its a ladder ffs, iT was returned within half an hour.

Am IBCU or is she?

You both have different friendship styles, but sometimes being a friend means accepting all their weird-isms.
You are hormonal, she sounds stressed- not a good combination.

Give it some space, and maybe the friendship won't be exactly how you envisioned, but it doesn't mean you have to get rid.

Could she have low confidence? I have found that people who criticise the most seem to have low confidence.
Maybe you popping in makes her nervous, as there is a greater chance that you will see that her life is not perfect after all...

Meant to add that for ages I hated when people dropped in, as I would be all worried about the floor/dishes/whatever, and just could not relax...

i think you are being over-sensitive about her comment that if you'd let her know, she could have fed your dd. I reckon that's a nice, helpful thing to say. Unless of course, it was said through gritted teeth in a really passive-aggressive sort of way...

Sometimes friends get very odd. Maybe give the friendship a bit of space for a while. Moving house can be very stressful and maybe it is taking its toll on her.

I would have backed off the minute I received that first text about the drinking water. "Her house, her rules?" FGS! Why was that deemed necessary to say?
You need to find a way that the kids can play (without invading her space) and that the DHs can work together without conflict. Anything else is a bonus.

Could she be suffering from CHAOS?

Can't Hhave Anyone Over Syndrome?

ie concerned that she hasn't yet managed to finish the packing and then over sensitive and stressed about it?

Message withdrawn

I like the idea of CHAOS.

She sounds stressed to death. It's a big adjustment for them too and she sounds confused about how she wants to play it. It's not just up to her though!

Yanbu, but don't escalate it. Sort through it with her (before your baby comes) and try not to overreact. Sounds like she has a lot on her plate too - be as kind as you can without being taken advantage of.

Hope it all turns out well.

PBxx

Thank you for all the comments.

Maybe i do need to give her some time and space but she runs hot and cold so i'm never sure what's going on.
Like yesterday i was clearing up and she popped in for a cup of tea and to drop off some baby things.
I was shocked i couldnt even comment. It was a really sweet gesture but i'm really uncomfortable now accepting "gifts/handme downs" from her, given the split personality.

I was taking a walk in the eveining through the estate with another friend and she came and joined us and it was really akward. i feel like i have to really watch what i say.

For what its worth Babieseverywhere, i have aired my views on her parenting style only here. I have not commented to her face. Her DH often accuses her of running a miltary camp rather then a house. I'm not sure i'm critisising her rather commenting on the choices she's made for herself. I think each person has their own priorities and choices to be made based on those. I have other friends in the estate and we often borrow things from each other or have kids play together. One of the advantages i felt in moving into the estate was to be part of a larger community living.

I dont want to feel like i have to watch dd 24-7 incase she goes home with her dds becasue its not about eating dinner.
They have often dropped by where we used to live unannounced and we've shared whatever there was going for lunch/dinner, it has never been an issue before so i assumed the same would continue. I guess i assumed wrong!!

I guess i need to give her some time and space and get on with things and hopefullt the DC will be able to have a decent relationship!

Yeah, you see, now that is confusing. I was thinking that she was just, albeit clumsily, stating her boundaries in case you were going to be popping in unannounced all the time. But it seems that she's breaking those boundaries herself where your house is concerned.
So, I guess either you back off and cool it (but if you let her call the shots then it can feel quite disempowering as you won't know where you are) or have a chat with her about it, along the lines of: 'would it help us if we were to set out some guidelines over the kids as I'd hate for you to think my DD was always round at yours,' or whatever.