2 AIBU'S please ...?

[pamelat]

Have not had a great day (and its my bday tomorrow too ) but basically will try to give a short version of events.

I am first time mum to a lovely DD (10 months). Was initially a bit precious about her, I am now relaxing in to motherhood and perhaps letting things go that I wouldn't have done a few months ago.

To put a little context in place, I am on a years maternity leave. My mum works full time in a very stressful job (and has poorly parents at the moment) but was a SAHM when I was little.

My DD has had a cold for a week or so. I apply vicks, I give calpol, get up in the night, use the plug in thingy, wrap her up warm etc. Today shopping her nose was running (again) and I had left the wipes in the car outside. My mum pointed this out and I said that I would have to wipe her nose on her coat (gross I know, but we were going within 10 mins and I can wash the coat now, as I am doing in fact). My mum said "oh no she will look like an unloved baby", I corrected her and said "No she will look like a baby with a cold" and she repeated "no, no she will look like no one loves her". I mean FGS!!!!!

So, AIBU to think that thats actually a horrible thing to say?

Secondly, and perhaps more seriously. My GP's are elderly and in poor health. My grandad has spent a month in hospital but is coming home tonight (he isn't looking forward to it because my grandma is completely dependent on care at the moment and he is worried that it will fall to him, currently the family are "sharing" the care).

Today I was witness to a horrible family debate between my mum and her sisters and my grandma where they were very blunt about her future, and all 4 of them ended up in tears. Grandma can be difficult but I really feel for her when they are saying things like "you will end up in care within a month" and "you need to decide whether you want to be here this time next year". (But I know that they are trying to get her to get some independence back)

She needs someone to cook their meals each evening (Meals on wheels doesn't exist in their area) and they won't pay cafe type prices. They are also fussy eaters. My mum has offered to provide meals on 2 nights a week and asked her sisters to do the same but 1 of them has refused, saying that she doesnt want to be tied down with the burden. Do you think this is unreasonable or fair?
They all live within a 6 mile journey of my GP's.

Grandma said that its "payback time" from when they were children, is that an unreasonable thing to say too?! My mum accused of her emotional black mail but I can sort of see where she is coming from (especially having a young baby at the moment)

Arggghhhh, horrible day and the politics of family life.

yanbu about the coat - good thinking & better to have a dry face rather than wet with snot.

What about a local ad to see if someone could do your gp meals?

Agree with herbietea. But... how old is your Grandma? Perhaps she did have children with the expectation that they'd look after her in her old age?

YANBU..but some mums do believe some very strange things.

As for your gran,they could have let her know the seriousness of the situation without being so harsh. Maybe that is why she said what she said?

What does payback mean...do they feel like they were badly done to?

Have your gp's got a freezer? Could they be given plated meals for the week that they then defrost as they need?

Would mean they did not need to be supplied daily.

For first situation - I would just laugh off a comment like that and make a joke about it. (start keeping tissues in your pocket - used ones are acceptable in emergencies)

Desperate....has a very good idea there. Even if they haven't got a freezer I think it would be worth all the sisters chipping in and getting them one.

Thanks re the AIBU DD bit. I always find my mum critical of my parenting skills!! I think she over mothered me, if that makes sense?

GP's have freezer but grandma is refusing frozen food (as I did suggest everyone could make something at the weekend and it be frozen). She says it doesnt taste the same, at this point she was told that she was being deliberately difficult but maybe true (I am very close to my GP's)

Will look at Whiltshire foods option but grandma is really very fussy. She wants mashed potato, cabbage and parsnip (and just that, but in a certain way from a certain shop) most nights .....

Grandma is also very resentful of paying for food. They don't have much money but they could afford a few £'s for ready meals or similar, but she insists on special offers only. I have been known to lie and just buy 2 and tell her they were BOGOF.

Grandma is 84 but waited until she was 30 to have children. She loved being a mum and looked after all the grand children in every school holiday (6 of us).

She does put on people emotionally but I love her and its not me that is dealing with her every day. She asks for me to call at least every other night and to see her once a week (lives 12 miles away) but she asks more of her own children.

Sorry. I meant grandma said it was "payback" time. Payback for looking after them and their children as babies etc.

Re 1st `omment good for you, no one would even notice a bit of snot on the coat.

As to your 2nd comment, I'm afraid I'm with your Gran on this one. I will certainly be there for my parents when the time comes, they were there for me (and still are) so why shouldn't I help them in their final years. I think its dreadful that all the siblings are fighting over who is going to look after their parents. If there is a good reason, i.e. they were neglected and or abused as children fair enough, but come on, whats the problem with caring for your parents as they need help.

I admit that grandma needs to compromise, for example, eat what other people are having or frozen food but she is currently refusing to do this and saying that she will not "make do" and "isn't asking for a lot".

I think a big thing is that she has never worked full time, all 3 of her children do. She was a dinner lady and worked a few hours a day and then not at all after 50.

Well as for payback...although an unforfunate expression to use...then yes, I agree with her!

She was a bloody good mum and sounds like she done everything she could to give them a happy and stress free childhood.

I think they owe it to her to give her the same in her old age.

First is obvious- just ignore.

Second- hmmyesss, I do agree that we all should all try to help our ageing parents, but it can't be easy when someone is being so deliberately awkward. IF your Grandma is expecting her children to turn up anew every night with exactly the food she likes cooked fresh exactly as she likes, then you can tell her from me that she is asking for a lot.

(Would she have allowed the children she was dinner lady to to be this fussy?)

I think the rest of the family need to be very calm and loving but very firm. Just keep on explaining that we want to help you, but this (a batch of frozen meals once a week) is the only way we can help you.

1 - a bit of snot never killed anyone, and your baby will not look unloved, that's a stupid thing to say!

2 - social services. that's what they are there for.

and btw - our children owe us NOTHING. we give birth to them - that is OUR choice. our responsibility and our duty to care for them (and make it up to them for thrusting them into such a shitty world!) they owe us no thanks for it. why would they? did they play any part in it, or ask for it? no. they are more like our victims than anything

hectate....are you a cynic or an optimist, lol

(((ahem I wanted to say lover or hater but for some reason felt a bit shy))))

I feel very strongly about it, can you tell?

Give your gma the meal she prefers for a week. When she says 'yum, just what I like', tell her that they were frozen and you defrosted them at home before bringing them.

Might make her see that freezing things is ok.

Although, at 84, she is unlikely to change

Would she listen to you more than your mum and Aunts? You sound as though you are very close.

Eeerrrr...I think you got your point across. Not one to hold back I see.

erm, no, not really.

nah yanbu but a lot of people think that having a child is on someway an insurance policy for old age

i'd rather rely on ss

First one. YA definitely NBU. TBH I actually laughed out loud when I read what your mum said. How ridiculous!

Second one. Bit trickier. I can see both sides of the argument. I don't expect anything back from my DC when I am old for the reasons Hectate gave. But that said, although my parents didn't expect it from me either, I was very willing to do so and did. I felt I owed it to them (even though they never made me feel like that) and I wanted to. I think your family were being rather heavy handed and hurtful with what they said to your GPs, but I also feel your GM is being very inflexible. Is she maybe being like this because she feels that other areas are out of her control? Perhaps it's worth a gentle discussion that everyone loves her and wants to do what they can but it's difficult to accommodate when they live separately and everyone has so many other commitment they can't get out of. She can have whatever she wants for dinner as long as she is prepared that a week's supply will have to be frozen. May not work, but maybe she feels like she's being treated like an intractable child and is responding accordingly? I've seen this a lot with the elderly.

YANBU on the first, but on the second I hate the term 'pay back time'. I had my DCs because I wanted them-they don't owe me anything and I'm certainly not going to be a burden. If people want to help parents it is lovely but they shouldn't be emotionally blackmailed. I help my mother a lot but she has never ever mentioned it being 'pay back time'!

Thanks all, my GM was in hospital for almost 3 months this year (she had a heart attack) and is now constantly wired up to oxygen. I think she is probably rather depressed (I would be). I think that food is one of the few things that she still enjoys in life, so I can see why it matters to her.

She loves family company too but has no understanding of how busy people are in life.

During the 3months in hospital she insisted on a visit every afternoon and every evening from at least one family member. Fortunately, it was the school holidays for a large part and we have a lot of teachers in our family.

I just feel sorry for her and had never seen her cry until today Will give her a call and have a natter, she is an owl.

I know she is being selfish but I think you almost earn that right over time, but yes she needs to compromise.

OH god what a stressful day! Re. dd yanbu you know this.

re. Grandma. No payback time does not excist as hecate said we have our children out ofchoice if we were bothered about care we would invest in a nursing home surely? Second off all I can see why your mum and sisters are finding her difficult to deal with as it can be very difficult to be loving and caring to someone who is being deliberatly difficult! And if you have a full time job, family etc you have to figure out what comes first. I love my mum dearly but my family, my kids and dh come first. This has and no doubt will cause more problems but for me thats how it is. I hope my dc will love me forever and when they have their own family put them first.

Yes it all feels a bit helpless and I feel a bit guilty as I am so caught up in DD that (until today) I had been a bit oblivious to it all.

My cousin is also very close (emotionally) to GM but she lives 3 hours away now. She is going to have a word with her parents and try to get everyone to be nice

Its odd when you find yourself treating your own parents as children (almost) and asking them to be nice to the GP's!

1. YANBU - just emotional I think given the other circumstances.

1. Can you have an honest chat with her? I know with my own Grandma she would talk to me more honestly then her own Children - who she would snap at and be grumpy with. Grandchildren are a different relationship emotionally so she might take the truth from you. Mine finally accepted she needed help at home and we helped her choose a lady to come in and clean and chose a company to deliver meals for her to pop in the oven (similar to Wilshire). It helped her stay at home until the end which is what she wanted, yes everyone had to visit alot more than if she had been in care but she was happy.

I think it is not unreasonable for your mum and her sisters to provide meals for their parents. But in doing this they are doing a big favour so I think that tough shit to the grandma if the meals aren't the exact veg she likes and are frozen. If you don't like it love then tough titty. This sort of manipulative behaviour to get people to run rings round you gets right on my tits. I'm not suggesting making stuff that she doesn't actually like but I would be blunt and say 'this is what we're offering - if you don't want it that's your choice. The offer is there but that's the offer - take it or leave it'

So so NBU about the snot and the coat!