Can I just check - would you leave your dcs with someone you'd never met?

[FromGirders]

Want to run this by the collective before I dig my heels in completely. Will try to include everything so as not to drip-feed.
FIL (with whom I have a strained relationship) wants to have a 60th dinner / party. It will be at a particular hotel, his friends / acquaintances will have to stay at the hotel while our family stay at their house and he will find "someone from the hotel or the village" to babysit. Depending on the timing this may involve putting dcs (5 & 4) to bed. We will never have met this person before - there may be a chance to meet them for about 10 minutes during the afternoon or something. It will be an acquantance of ILs, not someone from an agency or anything.
Given that this event will involve the dcs having to make a 3 hour car journey there on a Saturday and then again to go home the next day, they're only going to se their gps for a couple of hours each day, and they'll be busy with their grown up friends.
I'd rather organise a sleepover for the dcs with friends, or get their auntie / my parents to come and look after them. This may well cause offence - AIBU??

Yeah but we ie mothers, didn't introduce the CRB's, they were introduced by the Govt. What's good for the goose and they do know better as we are told all the time blah blah...

I'm wary of the CRB, so many holes.....But I'd rather have one if it was there IYSWIM...

FromGirders, even if the babysitter was Mary Poppins, I can't see why you would want to be so mad as to drive them all the way there and back when they're barely going to see the ILs anyway! I would refuse to bring them but maybe place the emphsasis on that rather than appearing to question your FIL's judgement which obv will never go down well!

OK, everyone's going to be after my blood then...

I left DS with the lady who ran the B&B where DH and I were staying. We had gone down south for a cousin's 21st birthday party. My aunt knew the B&B owner, but this lady was the owners sister. I had never met her before. DS was just coming up to 2 years old. He woke up in the evening, she phoned us and we came back (10 min walk) to find DS perched happily on lady's knee watching telly.

She was lovely, he was fine.

Everyone has every right to make decisions like this for themselves, and should never have to give in to family pressure. But I think some people are really really paranoid.

Would I leave the DCs with someone I'd never met? Not in a gazillion years, and not for any reason ever.

I'd leave the DCs at home with a member of your family...

if you can arrange a sleepover then i think i would tbh.
i cant see why they'd be offended as surely your saving them the hassle.

I think this thread is mildly hysterical too. I have left the children with friends' babysitters, usually highly recommended, and everything has been just fine.

I can sort of see both sides of this - I have left my DC with a babysitter who I had not met before but she came recommended from people I trust and worked in a nursery. I agree CRB checks are not the be-all and end-all - but I would not be comfortable in trusting my PIL judgement in choosing a babysitter and would rather, in the OP's situation, (if I could afford it) pay for a room at the hotel so that the DC are close-by and I could put them to bed myself.

Lol, I love the idea that this thread is hysterical, have you seen some of the hysterical threads round here?

Most people are just saying that they would not do it and why. There has been no posts about how her children will be eaten alive by cannibles or other such hysteria (with the exception of dsrplus8 who seemed a little over the top imo!)

You are all right, every one makes their own decision based on their own thougths and feelings, the op asked us to share ours, we did, no hysteria meant or implied!

i wouldn't, not for any other reason apart from i know my kids wouldn't like it very much.... they'd be anxious about it...and i'd be anxious that they were happy and settling ok.

i would say nothing for now, and arrange for them to be cared for at your home, and you go to the party without them...you can always put the blame to the children if it eases a tension.."oh, we told them the arrangement and they really didn't want to be with someone they'd not met before, so my mum will have them...its no bother" or tell your ils, you and your dh are using it as a welcome opportunity for a child free weekend...

I wouldn't let my dcs be looked after by a stranger - on FILs recommendation or not.
Go with your gut instinct everytime.
I would let them have a sleepover at Grandparents/aunties where you live and explain to FIL that you will arrange for them to come to see him on another weekend when it isn't quite so hectic as you really aren't happy with leaving the dcs with somebody you don't know.
I wouldn't apologise for this because them you give them the opportunity to vent their grievances, just say I know you had ideally wanted to see them at some point on the day, but this is the best arrangement for the children, but they would love to come and see you and spend some time with you on another weekend!
Easier said than done I know, (from experience), but you really have to do what you know is best for your children.

My biggest problem with the CRB checks is that they lure parents into a false sense of security.

You can determine whether someone has a criminal record by using a CRB check.

That does not rule out anyone who has never been caught abusing a child.

The bigger worry for me is someone looking after my children who is just not suitable. eg, yelling at a child, setting the child in front of the TV and spending the evening on the phone to a friend/on the net. Nothing that is going to damage your child for life, but that makes the evening boring or upsetting.

I agree with that MmeLindt, they are only useful to an extent but they are more useful than not as at least you have that much information IYSWIM. Everything has to be taken under advisment of course but the more stings to your bow the better IMO!

NC BIRDY , I WOULD RATHER ER ON THE SIDE OF CAUTION, IF THAT MAKES ME OVER THE TOP, SO WHAT? AT LEAST ID HAVE THE KNOWLEDGE OF WHO IS LOOKING AFTER MY CHILDREN.IM NOT THE KIND OF FINGERS CROSSED HOPE FOR THE BEST KIND OF MOTHER.

Have only read op but I agree with you

leave them at home and get someone to come and babysit at you house

I have left DS with someone recommended by the people we were renting a holiday cottage from. It was a wedding I didn't want to miss, we were there on a family holiday and the location meant that we couldn't get an agency sitter.

I wouldn't bother in the OPs situation though.

No, I wouldn't leave 6y DD in the care of a person I didn't know. I would leave her in kid's clubs and creches, etc where I know people are checked and work in groups, but not with one unfamiliar individual.

OP - arrange a sleep over with friends or a relative. Only excuse you need to give is that you find it less stressful than having the DC travel so far each day.

Oh, I got stuck in this sort of situation once, DS1 was maybe 2, there was a funeral, MIL wanted him at the bit after the funeral, but not at the funeral itself.

He got taken care of by some woman, friend of the family or something? Or someone's cleaner? I don't remember the details. It was a couple of hours, everyone was fine.

But it's your decision. A sleepover would be less work, I think, but it sounds like your FIL wants to show off his grandkids at the party a bit.

drsplus8, you POV was not over the top (in fact it mirrored mine exactly) it was your shouting and calling the PIL names that seemed over the top! (a little like that post, please don't shout)

NQC
I would be more inclined to let my DC stay with a "stranger" during the day than at night.

But when you think about it, the first time a babysitter comes she is a stranger. I normally arrange a new babysitter to come for a couple of hours in the afternoon first so that I can hide in the office and MN observe her interaction with the DCs before I leave her alone in the evenings.

Ta again for all opinions. As I said in the OP, I just wanted to run this past the collective, and check my thinking wasn't way out of line.
FWIW, while I am fully aware of disclosure checks etc, I don't think they're the be all and end all - I've quite happily left dc's with friends of friends in the past through our local babysitting circle (have since moved, and miss it terribly), and will trust my own judgement on potential babysitters. As someone pointed out, I'm more concerned about just "unsuitable" people - eg if ds (who is a sensitive flower) was allowed to watch Dr Who, I'd be dealing with the nightmares for months (and that's the voice of bitter experience).
If PILs want dcs at dinner then we'll take them and I'll take them home myself when they get tired. If it's a grown-up only affair (and it's perfectly entitled to be) then I'll organise something for the dcs to do and will try to get a room in the (very nice, and happens to be where we started our honeymoon) hotel for dh and I .

ncbirdy , ??? names? i asked if the fil was senile?? and im not shouting ,im typing. lol. still think any grandparent MUST be senile if they want parents to leave gc with some one they dont know and the kids dont know!!!!wheres the respect for the parents??? does the fil know about child abuse??? arrgh!!!!

dsrplus8
Using CAPS on the net denotes shouting, it makes your posts look a bit scary.

I don't think that any GP who wanted to arrange this would be senile, I would trust my parents and my IL's judgement. The OP stated however in her first post that she has a somewhat troubled relationship with her FIL.

Yanbu. Just thank your FIL very graciously and make the arrangements which YOU think are suitable. Easy!

oops didnt realise about the caps, sorry everyone

Well can I go against the crowd here. It sounds as if your FIL means well. He has invited everyone to a party and has even promised to organise babysitting so has considered those in the party with children.

However I can understand why you would be uncomfortable with a babysitter where you don't know the credentials and also that this person would be expected to do the bedtime routine.

We have used babysitters on a number of occasions when away, but DS has always been asleep when they arrived and they have always been CRB checked, not that it probably means very much.

I'm sure provided you are polite about it and your FIL is a reasonable man ( which he may not be ) then I can't see why he would be offended if you chose not to use his babysitter, provided DH and yourself attend the party.