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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To nag DH into making up with MIL (again)

31 replies

BettySwollux · 23/11/2008 21:54

I have been with DH for 13 years, married for almost 3, we have 2 DC of 11 yrs and 14 mo. This has been going on for 12 yrs now. MIL will feel slighted in some way and cut off all contact, this will last for months until I nag DH to extend the olive branch, then everything is hunky dory until the next time we have too much on to visit on 'our turn' or forget to phone on 'our turn'.
By DH own admission, she is the most selfish and petty person he has ever met.
Examples:
She wasnt speaking to us one xmas, so had FIL drive her past our house to my mams to leave ds presents (my mam said no, if she wanted ds to have presents, then get over herself and drop them off herself)

Constantly made plans to spend time with DS1 when he was young, only to take another huff and not tuen up - leading to my (then) 4 yr old son asking me. "why dont grandma and granda love me anymore?"

DS1 had a minor operation, but was in great discomfort and groggy, when PILs rang to say they were coming, he politley asked if they would wait until tomorrow as he couldnt be bothered with anyone. They took a great huff, went to stay at their caravan and refused our phone calls.

Wouldnt come to either ds birthday (ds2 1st) this year as she had a bad leg and couldnt walk down our path. (funny how she was able to go to the pub for lunch though) and wrote in DS1 card, "we are posting this in case I'm still unable to walk on your special day" (they post the cards every birthday/xmas/anniversay, regardless of whether they are coming or not)DH says, this is her way of making sure its all about her - yet again.

She still has DS2 1st birthday present, (from early september) and phoned to say Thankyou for the flowers we sent for their wedding anniversay, and just how awful she felt that he hadnt gotten his gift. (FIL could drop it off, but that wouldnt be allowed, as then she wouldnt see the kids, and that would be unfair)

So, anyway, she hasnt been speaking to us for 3.5 months now, and with xmas round the corner, should I start nagging again? BTW, I have done my fair share of building brides in the past, and refuse to do it anymore.
AIBU to want them to be a part of their only GC life? Is it worth the hassle when its only going to be repeated in 6 months anyway?

OP posts:
BreevandercampLGJ · 23/11/2008 21:58

Tell her to go forth and multiply.

She sounds like a real piece of work.

alicet · 23/11/2008 22:05

pmsl at your name - sorry I know thats missing the point

She sounds like a pita. Could you just leave i up to your dh? How much would it upset your ds's to not see their grandparents if she was really stubborn enough not to get in touch and see them?

Or could you (without undermining your dh) write / call them to say that you are not going to get involved in the disagreements between them and dh but that you want your ds's to have a relationship with them so you (without dh if necessary) will arrange to see them from time to time at a time that suits you and ds's so that they can still maintain this relationship?

Original poster
BettySwollux · 23/11/2008 22:07

Would love to bree, the only thing that worries me, is when they drop dead one day and DH hasnt had the chance to get everything off his chest. He tries to talk to her, but she starts crying and wailing how she knew he didnt love her.
Either that or screming how we 'keep her form her precious GC'
I dont want DH to feel guilty when theyve passed on (I know guilt is a huge part of bereavement, having lost a fair few people in my life) so just sort of want to lessen the blow a bit IYSWIM. (not that I'm wishing her off or anything .

OP posts:
alicet · 23/11/2008 22:10

Know what you mean about not wanting them to die with outstanding issues.

Just don' know how he could even begin to resolve these though if she behaves in this irrational childlike way. I guess by trying not to get wound up, not raising his voice and repeatedly calmly telling her what he thinks in manner of talking to tantruming toddler (which is what she is doing isn't it?) And telling her that he isn't keeping her from her gc's - she is with her ridiculous behaviour

Original poster
BettySwollux · 23/11/2008 22:11

Alicet, it doesnt upset DS1 anymore, as its all he's really known, but I dont want to put DS2 through this, as at the time, DS1 was terribly upset.
We have asked them to maintain contact with the kids, sort of, 'what ever happens between us, shouldnt affect them, etc'.
She agrees wholeheartedly, and texts him for a week (wont ring the house phone in case we answer)then it all stops again.

OP posts:
alicet · 23/11/2008 22:12

Nothing more you can do then I think I think you have done all you can - maybe a letter explaining this so that she can't ignore it....

Original poster
BettySwollux · 23/11/2008 22:13

Yup, tried that one, she pretends to have asthma or panic attack.

= selfish rotten cow.

OP posts:
Original poster
BettySwollux · 23/11/2008 22:13

So, I shouldnt nag poor DH then?

OP posts:
alicet · 23/11/2008 22:16

What a selfish manipulative bitch!

If you are really sure she is putting it on could you say (calmly) something along the lines of 'here is your inhaler - calm yourself down then we'll carry on the conversation' and not let her get away with it?

Have to say I think you have already tried really hard and would be inclined to just write them a letter explaining how you feel and then leave it in their hands.

thumbwitch · 23/11/2008 22:17

toxic parent - you need AttilatheMeerkat or someone to recommend the necessary book for you.

FWIW I wouldn't bother - it doesn't sound like she brings any positives into your DS's lives, only negatives, so I'd pass and let it go.

(p.s: pmsl at the concept of "building brides" in your OP )

alicet · 23/11/2008 22:19

Sure you have done this already but have you chatted to him about how he would feel if she dropped dead when they weren't speaking? And decide on a way you are going to address this together?

Seems to me there are 2 issues here.

Firstly your dh's relationship with his mum and your concerns about his emotional wellbeing if she died with unresolved issues (similar situation although not anywhere nearly as irritating between my dh and his dad so know how you feel about this one)

Secondly your ds's relationship with their grandparents - if your dh wouldn't feel undermined approaching them yourselves on a semi regular basis to arrange meetups with them without necessarily involving your dh. And making it clear to her that you will not be playing piggy in the middle between her and dh - that you are there for your ds's and will not discuss your dh

thumbwitch · 23/11/2008 22:57

Have found the book recommendation:
"Toxic Parents" written by Susan Forward.
Controlling parents are always trying this sort of emotional blackmail and ?fake health issues. This book might help you to recognise your MIL's behaviour and give you tips on how to deal with it.

beanieb · 23/11/2008 23:00

Why are you even thinking of nagging him into it? You obviously don't like her. I'd say for you it's a blessing.

LoolaBoys · 24/11/2008 10:19

Betty, it is very thoughtful and loving of you to think so much about how your DH will feel when they die. However, I think you are only making your lives miserable by constantly trying to build bridges with this clearly crazy woman. She is the one who stops speaking to you, so hopefully that would lessen your DHs guilt somewhat if they were to die.

So sorry that your poor children have to go through this. It is not fair on them

GooseyLoosey · 24/11/2008 10:28

Spent many years facilitating the relationship between dh and his mother. She too has come out with the most crass self obsessed comments over the years.

This has resulted in a considerable amount of stress for me and I recently decided that I am not going to do it anymore. If I am really honest, there is not really a relationship to facilitate and too many grudges held on both sides.

Now if dh and mil cannot have a civil conversation, I am not going to leap in to the gaps to make things run smoothly and next time they fall out, I will not be talking dh down off his high horse. It is up to him whether he wants a relationship with his mother and how he wants to conduct it.

I am not sure that my children are any worse off without sporadic contact from this grandparent.

purpleduck · 24/11/2008 11:37

I have this sort of thing with my dh's father.
He lives in Germany and can't be bothered with anyone.
Anyways I always used to nag DH to call his dad etc, and it would always end with dh's dad being a total jerk to my dh.

One time Dh's dad yelled at my dh for calling him (it had been MONTHS), saying "How can you phone for no reason, I was worried that something had happened to Grandad)

Anyways, I decided that dh's dads behaviour is his choice, and it wasn't fair on dh to be subjected to that behaviour.

Its tough though isn't it?

more · 24/11/2008 11:42

Please don't nag him about it. It is his relationship with his mother, and they should sort it out between themselves. You should however be there to support him, whether he wants contact or no contact.

Original poster
BettySwollux · 24/11/2008 15:27

alicet - I cant write a letter, as it would undermine DH, I have talked to him about if they were to die, he does want to get things off his chest and resolve the issue once and for all, but has no idea how to go about it without hurting them, which he doesnt want to do if at all avoidable - after all, theyre still his parents.
Thumbwitch - thanks for the book reccomendation, will defo check that out.
Beanieb, yes its a blessing for me when she's out of our lives, I used to like her, but she's pulled this shit too often for too long now, and I've personnaly had enough, but I do worry for DH, who thinks they cant be arsed because he's adopted (sorry, should probably have put that in my op).
More, I know its DHs concern, not mine - I'm lucky to have a fantastic mother who is really my DSs only grandparent now, and a bloody good one at that, it just makes me sad that the kids dont have a relationship with their GPs, as my mam had me late in life, and all my GPs were dead before I was born, so to have them there and them not give a damn hurts somewhat.

OP posts:
Original poster
BettySwollux · 24/11/2008 21:37

bump,
any more advice on how we can possibly get through tp this insane woman

OP posts:
cheeset · 24/11/2008 21:56

I haven't read thro all the responses, sore eyes, IMO you are acting like your DH's mother should have acted. You are trying to sheild him from all possible hurt. By the sound of it, he is happy to let things slide and you keep trying to do the right thing? I totally know where you are coming from but personally, I'd have to let it slide. This cannot be good for your DH to be constantly reminded of his mothers fickleness?

Thew mother sounds like she has rejection issues?

I would have to have a frank conversation with her if I were you once and for all but it's probably a conversation your DH should be having with her?

Original poster
BettySwollux · 24/11/2008 22:01

You are all right, the woman is as mad as a box of frogs, and clearly needs leaving alone.
I will bite my tongue and not mention her to DH, and see where we end up.
Cheeset, I would also like to have a frank talk with her, but she has a selective memory, and will claim she did 'none of the above', and turn it round so its our fault.
Cant be bothered with that, waste of everbodys time.

OP posts:
cheeset · 24/11/2008 22:06

Selective memory or fear of rejection? She needs constant reasurance of her worth, that must be so time consuming for her? Tbh, this must drive her insane? I always think the best in people, even though the inevitable happens... alot

Have you ever talked to her about her childhood? I'm not making excuses for her honestly as I can imagine how blardy annoying she is but she obviously isn't a happy camper?

hecate · 24/11/2008 22:12

obligation. duty. piss poor reasons to try to force people together when all it brings is misery. Leave it to your husband, let him make his own choices - and live with any consequences of them! tbh, she doesn't even really seem like someone you'd want in your life!

What does she bring to your family? What do you enjoy about being with her? What are her good points? What makes it worth all the hassle? What do you love about her?

If you can come up with all those sorts of things, maybe mention them all to your husband - in a non nagging way! just a remember she can be a pain but we love her because x, y, z.

if, otoh, you read my little list and your mind goes blank...

cheeset · 24/11/2008 22:18

Agree Hecate..
Got to go nite nite.zzz Good luck Betty

ipanemagirl · 24/11/2008 22:19

imo - leave it to your dh, it should come from him, it's his relative, support what he wants to do. On one level it's not your call to intervene, let dh and inlaws work it out, really it isn't your issue. It's exhausting even reading about it, it must be a nightmare to even begin to deal with it, I would walk away from it.

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