To nag DH into making up with MIL (again)

[BettySwollux]

I have been with DH for 13 years, married for almost 3, we have 2 DC of 11 yrs and 14 mo. This has been going on for 12 yrs now. MIL will feel slighted in some way and cut off all contact, this will last for months until I nag DH to extend the olive branch, then everything is hunky dory until the next time we have too much on to visit on 'our turn' or forget to phone on 'our turn'.
By DH own admission, she is the most selfish and petty person he has ever met.
Examples:
She wasnt speaking to us one xmas, so had FIL drive her past our house to my mams to leave ds presents (my mam said no, if she wanted ds to have presents, then get over herself and drop them off herself)

Constantly made plans to spend time with DS1 when he was young, only to take another huff and not tuen up - leading to my (then) 4 yr old son asking me. "why dont grandma and granda love me anymore?"

DS1 had a minor operation, but was in great discomfort and groggy, when PILs rang to say they were coming, he politley asked if they would wait until tomorrow as he couldnt be bothered with anyone. They took a great huff, went to stay at their caravan and refused our phone calls.

Wouldnt come to either ds birthday (ds2 1st) this year as she had a bad leg and couldnt walk down our path. (funny how she was able to go to the pub for lunch though) and wrote in DS1 card, "we are posting this in case I'm still unable to walk on your special day" (they post the cards every birthday/xmas/anniversay, regardless of whether they are coming or not)DH says, this is her way of making sure its all about her - yet again.

She still has DS2 1st birthday present, (from early september) and phoned to say Thankyou for the flowers we sent for their wedding anniversay, and just how awful she felt that he hadnt gotten his gift. (FIL could drop it off, but that wouldnt be allowed, as then she wouldnt see the kids, and that would be unfair)

So, anyway, she hasnt been speaking to us for 3.5 months now, and with xmas round the corner, should I start nagging again? BTW, I have done my fair share of building brides in the past, and refuse to do it anymore.
AIBU to want them to be a part of their only GC life? Is it worth the hassle when its only going to be repeated in 6 months anyway?

Cheeset, we have talked about her childhood, she blames everyone for anything bad that happened, "I could've done this if it wasnt for XYZ" etc.
Was completely self obsessed even as a child, and takes great pleasure in telling the tale of how the family had to cover up the mirrors at meal times, otherwise she'd not eat much as she was too busy gazing at herself!! (maybe if they'd left them uncovered she would see how vile it looks to talk with mouthfuls of food, EEWWW)

Hecate, good points, good points...........................ummm, I'll get back to you.

Betty, selective memory is another indicator of controlling parent syndrome - I hope you get the book and it helps you, if not deal with her, at least come to terms with why she should be left alone - mad as a box of frogs for sure!

SERIOUSLY FUCK HER OFF.

stupid cow

Your poor DH! I would just let it go. Clearly she has been getting away with this awful behaviour because everyone has been giving in around her. If she is ever to change (and that is a big if!!) then she needs to know that you will not give in to her insane demands all the time. Be strong!

Betty

I think you have tried as many women would in these situations between their DH and ghastly Mum but nagging DH and or trying to build bridges will only be counterproductive to both of you. I think you understandably wanted to fix things between them (you want the kids to have a relaitonship with their grandparents) but this is impossible.

Unfortunately for you both your DH's Mother is as mad as a box of cut snakes. She is toxic in nature and all her behaviours to date are classic of people who want to control and be centre stage all the time. You cannot reason with these people; they are beyond reasoned argument. Letters will also be used as weapons to verbally attack you with. More likely these people will go on the attack and give you both a laundry list of your own "shortcomings". These people as well never take any responsibility for their own actions - its always someone else's fault. Absolutely everything that you have written about your husband's mother indicates to me toxic behaviour. She is beyond reasoning with. This woman was emotionally damged in childhood (perhaps one or both of her parents had an undiagnosed personality disorder) but its NOT your fault that she is like this and nor should you try and take any ownership of her problems.

What you can do is sheild your children from her malign influence. Such problems can also become generational in nature; her behaviour has affected your DH and now your children are seeing what she is capable of.

Two good books to read are Toxic Parents written by Susan Forward (I see thumbwitch has mentioned this). Another good one is "If you had controlling parents" written by Dan Neuharth. Your H certainly needs to read both and it would help you to to understand how and why such people operate the way they do. These people do not play by the "normal" rules of relationships.

Hi, sorry, been away with horrid gastric bug, which decided to hit the whole family at once (the smell was not nice chez swollux ).
Just wanted to thank you all for your support and suggestions.
Attila, what you say makes a lot of sense, I take it you are Mn leading authority on toxicity
I had just got my head round never seeing MIL again, and stopped beating myself up for whatever I had done wrong in the past to cause it (I now realise there was probably nothing I could have done), when DH turned to me and said, "If I hadnt been as busy at work, I would've gone up there today, as it is, I feel so weak and rotten from this bug, that they couldnt hurt me when I feel this bad"
I could've cried for him.
I asked if that was what he was scared of - being hurt again, and whether he wanted to get back in touch because of duty or obligation (as hecate said - piss poor reasons), but he just said sadly, "they're my mam and dad"
He is intending to go sometime before xmas and talk to them, but even if things get back on track, I know it'll only last for a couple of months before she flounces again.
BUT, when she decides to speak to us again, I do intend to ask her if she ever was going to offer an olive branch, was she ever going to make the first move? (as in 12 years she never has, it's been left to us) or if she had just decided to cut all contact because she knew eventually we would get in touch. And if we didnt, well that would be that.