I'm genuinely not sure if IABU, so would like your opinions please.

[SpringySunshine]

Eugh - this turns out to be quite long, so sorry!

I'm not posting here so you can all tell me that I'm right - I might just be being a bit silly & hormonal, in which case I'd rather know. But if I do have a point, feel free to tell me that too

I'm currently 20 weeks pregnant with our first child & it's been a difficult pregnancy so far. Nothing horrific, but I'm still suffering from morning sickness & increasing hip pain (I could barely walk on Friday, although it's much better now, for example) & is generally being quite a difficult experience.

DP & I both go to uni, but my course is far less intensive in terms of contact time - I study English literature, so although I spend hours & hours reading & writing essays, I can do that from home. He's doing Software Development, so needs to spend a lot of time in the computer labs or whatever. He has a really good group of friends there, whereas I don't. I very rarely see the same people on a regular basis & most of them know each other from living in halls, etc. Plus I'm the weird pregnant one, which puts a lot of people off.

We're both a long way from home, but he didn't really have friends back home, whereas I have lots - I just never get to see them because I'm a good couple of hours away, can't drive & have little time & money to throw around at the moment. & when I do go home, I spend most of my time with my family, who I also miss heaps.

Basically, I'm really homesick & lonely & not having a great time of it.

We've been having a lot of relationship issues recently - last week we went 3 days without a huge argument & that seemed like ages. He's been having quite a few problems with controlling his temper recently, which really hasn't helped. He hasn't hit me or anything like that, but I can see the possibility of it escalating into something nasty.

He used to do karate, but hasn't done it for quite a while now - at least a year, but I'm almost sure it's more than that. I've lost track. But he's decided that he wants to take up Thai boxing instead, because they don't do 'his' karate around here. He says that he thinks that it'll help with his aggression. I don't know if it will or not? If it does, then obviously that's a very good thing.

The thing that bothers me is that it's 3 nights a week & I know that that's just going to mean 3 nights of me sitting in the flat by myself whilst he's out having fun. & in the not-very-distant future, me looking after the baby alone for that time when he's already had a lot more time away from home with his course.

I've said that he can do it & I know that I'm not in a position to say that he can't. It's his life & I don't want to control him. I also know that it's a fair exchange if it puts him in a better mood. But I still feel a bit resentful that he's off doing something else that he loves & will leave me on my own even more than I already am.

That suddenly sounds really needy I'm also concerned that he'll get himself really hurt & be out of action for a while meaning that I'll have to pick up even more responsibility at home.

I think I'd mind less if he could see why I'm a bit envious, but he can't. I also think I'm probably about to get flamed & told to stop being so childish, but I'm wondering if it's at least normal for me to feel this way, even if it isn't reasonable, if you see what I mean?

I don't think you will get flamed. It is totally understandable for you to need him close to you at the moment and you will need him when the baby is born.

It is all about striking a blance and this is very difficult, even without children. try talking to him again and see what time you can schedule in for you. Definite time every week when he has total child-care responsibility and you can do what you like. Even if that means him taking the baby out for a few hours so that you can have a soak in the bath and rest in peace.

Talk to him again and try not to worry too much.

Good luck.

Three nights a week is WAY too much!! If he had one night of boxing and one social night then I think he'd be doing a LOT better than a lot of dads....

Three nights a week ... ffs! Who on earth is he kidding??

No, you can't control him - you can tell him how you feel though, and then he can damn well control himself!

Hmmm...I don't think it's an unreasonable commitment for him without kids, and I would generally advise you to make more of an effort to go out and meet other people so you are not alone on those nights.

BUT - there is no way I'd be happy with DH being out 3 nights a week when we had a newborn.

Can you compromise though - could he take a break for a while once the baby is born, or just do it one night a week or whatever? What time are the classes? Once the baby starts having a regular bedtime it probably wouldn;'t be so bad him going if they are later in the evening.

On another note, re the friends thing, have you tried any sorts of ante-natal groups or classes so you can meet others ibn a similar position?

Re: the him not understanding - it's a man thing I think. DH says that he is as restricted as me, but he can go to the pub at lunchtime with his mates from work, whereas I get to pick baked beans out of DD's hair, etc etc.

Oh, and Congratulations on your pregnancy.

I don't think that YABU. You did not make that baby alone, and you should not have to bear all the responsibility alone.

3 nights a week is a big commitment, even if it does help with the aggression. Could he not do some kind of sport during the day instead?

My DH does get quite ratty and bad tempered when he does not have the chance to go running 2 or 3 times a week, but he has a fairly stressful job so need to let off steam.

Were you having relationship issues before you got pregnant? Is he happy about the baby?

I'm not sure what you are asking but it seems as if you perhaps need to chat about whether you share the same priorities. Presumably he doesn't have to go 3 times a week and if he is sharing childcare for you to eb able to study then he is as entitled to time out too. You can always find an activity once the baby is a little older. Was the baby planned - it sounds as if you each may be wary about the effect its arrival will have?

Sorry, I feel I have to say this but the aggression thing is ringing alarm bells for me..

YANBU
I would concentrate on making new friends for yourself. At say antenatal classes, aqua natal, social stuff at uni.

I would also think hard about his aggression, if it at a level that you wouldn't be happy with it around your baby I would seriously think about getting proper counselling or living apart for a while. It's good he is recognising there is a problem but it's not enough. It has to stop

i don't think you are, three nights a week is a lot, great if it helps him with his anger (which is another issue entirely!) but couldn't he do it a bit more reasonable even two nights a week? My DH started a course two nights a week when the baby was very young, and the days are long when you have to do everything from start to finish.
Also, i have to say that me and DH argued more in the first three months of the baby arriving than we had ever argued in 10 years of being together, so i think you really need to address the aggression issue somehow before the baby arrives (it could be that it brings you closer together though)

springsunshine - did the aggression start when you got pregnant?

I dont think you are being unreasdonable.
There are a couple of things that strike me reading your post though.

Firstly, you sound quite frightened of him, and think that he needs to actively do something about controlling his aggression. That cant be good, especially as you sound fairly isolated where you are.

Which leads me onto the second point - you sound lonely. I wonder if things would be less tense if you had more friends and things to do where you are living, then you could be out sometimes too. Even when the baby is born you would still be able to go out occasionally, with your DP babysitting.

Thank you - that's a much nicer response than I felt I deserved after writing that.

I did say to him that I'm agreeing at the moment but that it'll have to be reviewed when the baby comes. I don't know how easily that review will be received when it comes to it.

I also have a really pathetic worry - & I know that it is daft - that his body will be improving & mine's just going to be all post-baby & not exactly great. & I've never felt like it's a priority to lose weight immediately after a baby is born & I've not ever been a gym bunny. So I can just see that he'll be increasingly muscular & toned & I'll look awful & frumpy next to him. I do know that that's superficial, but in my hormone-addled brain, it seems like another reason to want to just crawl back into bed & cry a little bit.

I wouldn't feel so bad about everything if I knew people around here, or if I was closer to my friends & family in the first place. When I moved away, I wasn't expecting to suddenly be pregnant. Things are far more difficult than I expected they'd be. My self-confidence is completely shattered for a few reasons & it's all having a knock-on effect.

Where are you at Uni - I bet there's a MNer or two local to you.

Completely 100% normal.

No human being on the planet can cruise through without feeling a bit resentfull/hard done by/left out etc by the people around them. Juggling that is quite a lot of relationship managemnet - going by my mates and me.

In a truly utopian relationship and life, pregnancy hormones would send you days where you spit your dummy out over the colour of the sky, truly.

As to if it's reasonable - imo yes. Thats just my opinion and there are always two sides to everything, but I think you have several reasons for being pissed, and a few for being worried about your future.

Didn't like the reference to temper for example or your feelings of isolation.

Your dp is either not adjusting, not happy or just not getting it - supporting a pregnant women whilst getting your brain around the fact your going to be a dad has challenged some of the most emotionally mature, relationship savvy men.

I think you have some relationship issues I'm afraid - and might find them a mare to deal with due to pregnancy hormones, your circumstances and the place your in at the mo.

God 'aint I cheerfull! Others may have a much more positive view.
I have a temp, piles and a dodgy foot so am rather downbeat at mo.

But I'm alllways worried by people who are fundamentally afraid in their own homes i.e. of getting flamed at.

I think you are in the middle of a really complex and difficult time. You are changing - your hormones, your body, your whole look at life. He clearly isn't - it's harder of course when it's not your body and you don't feel any different at all. Your pregnancy is changing the relationship from free and easy boyfriend and girlfriend to one which encompasses responsibility and obligation. It's really, really hard and I can see why it's a struggle at the moment.

Basically I can't advise as it's your relationship but I think it will help to acknowledge that from now until you are adjusted to the baby is THE hardest it can ever be in your relationship.

He does need to show you some commitment from here on in.

Wow, LOTS of responses. I didn't expect that

Right. The aggression. We've only lived together since I got pregnant - it was unplanned, but I'd moved here for uni anyway & he was a 3 hour drive away, so it was impractical for him to stay there. So that makes it very difficult to pinpoint the cause. We're both very happy about the baby. When we were discussing the options regarding the unexpected pregnancy he was very determined to keep it (as was I, but I did have a period of wavering as to the best course of action to begin with, so he wasn't just humouring me) & he's very interested in all of the pregnancy things & likes looking at the baby clothes in shops, etc. Having said that, he has said that he feels that I'm making a mountain out of a molehill regarding how difficult the pregnancy is - so many women have pregnancies without it affecting them at all, etc

I can see where he's coming from with that, though. It is frustrating for us both & he does do all of the washing up & a lot of the cooking because those things make me feel sick & I find it difficult to stand up for long periods of time at the moment. So he is shouldering a lot of responsibility & I'm not always a lot of fun to be around.

I am terribly lonely here, but it's difficult to know where to start. I've not started any ante-natal stuff yet, but he wants to do couple stuff so he's involved, which I know will mean that it's harder to make friends if we're there as a couple, not just me.

A lot of the things that I'd have liked to have done at uni are things like ice skating & stuff, but I obviously can't do that now in case I fall & hurt me or the baby. There's nothing really uni-based that interests me that I can do, so I don't know where to start. I would love to have friends around here, but it's difficult to find any. & nearly everyone my own age is too busy going out drinking to have any patience with a pregnant woman / new mum.

why will it be harder to make friends as a couple?

Sounds like you need to find some other young mums or mums to be. Are there no other students with children on your course?

Perhaps try here on MN to put out a call for young mums in your area?

There have been a lot of changes in the last couple of months, for both of you.

Someone recommended a book for expectant fathers on here the other day, to make him understand all that is going on in your body and head at the moment. Would he read that, do you think?

LilRedWG, I'm in Sheffield.

Regarding the difficulties in the relationship that naturally come with pregnancy / a baby, that too is making some decisions very difficult. For example, since I've been pregnant he proposed & we're now engaged. We were intending to get married before the baby arrives for a few reasons - partly because I'd like to have the same surname, even though I know that that's a bit of a superficial issue, all things considered.

But now we're having a bit of a tough time, I don't know whether we should go ahead. I find it difficult to know if things are going to be fine & it's just a rough patch because of the situation & we should just go ahead with it & I should stop being overcautious, or whether there are bigger problems that should make me put it off. We do love each other & want to make this work, but it is definitely difficult at the moment.

I landed into a small town I didn't much like, with a dp I'd just met [think we conceived at 6 hours ] and so I can relate to what your saying about making friends.

Remember you can start that when your feeling a bit brighter and more energetic, or even when babs has arrived, playgroups etc, if you really can't face it now.

It's taken me 4 years to feel more settled and like a have friends I can just ring becasue I know them, not because dh does.

Though it would really help if you could hook up with other mum's [surestart? a uni group for mum's?] don't make it another reason to beat yourself up. It will come as you get in your pregnancy groove.

As to relationships during this time - it's just such such hard work. You find out stuff about yourself and your partner that you never dreamed, or would have known if you were together 30 years and were in your 60's.

Why is it OK for him to go out and do things on his own but not you?

Have you thought of doing something like joining a book club? I'm in one and we have a few new mums.

Springy - have a look here. You don't have to go to this meetup but you can say hi and introduce yourself.

Good luck!

Or - start a thread of your own in Meet-ups!

noonki, I don't suppose it would necessarily be harder to make friends as a couple, but it would be harder for me to make a friend for me if I'm there with my DP & everyone else is there with theirs.

MmeLindt, I don't think that there are any other students with children on my course - at least not that I'm aware of. There are over 400 of us, so it's easy to miss I suppose, but it's not something that I've noticed at all. It's generally full of 18 year olds who go out drinking most nights.

I think he would read the book, yes. He does seem to be willing to make an effort, but his perspective on what is & isn't reasonable is often very different to mine. For example we had an ongoing battle of the amount of time he spent playing Xbox games. Now he's much better than he was, but it took ages for him to realise the point I was trying to get across. Now he understands more, he's a lot more considerate with that. But he doesn't apply that logic to other things beyond what has specifically been asked of him.

It si positive he wants ot be involved in the pg but maybe he doesn't realise what the issues your experience are. Lots of antenatal things are couple based, or do some sessions for couples and the women alone but that doesn't stop you doing other stuff alone. You need to get out while it is still easy - whether just for a regular swim or maybe ask gp/mw for a physio referral for the pain (is it SPD ?)who in turn may recommend some form of gentle exercise -yoga, aquanatal, pilates. If you can do that now it will help you get back in shape afterwards and make you feel more positive plus you can continue it postnatally.

You should also try to make non-baby related friends now, or you will find it harder to integrate later on. There must be less physical activities to get involved in for now. What are your plans for after the baby is born, presumably you'll have to take time out over the summer.