was this a rude thing for me to ask of my FIL?

[AmIWhatAndWhy]

Well FIL to be as we're not married yet, but that's beside the point.

It's dd's birthday this week. FIL always goes very over the top with gifts, last year he spent £150 on Gap clothes and god knows how much on books and toys too. He is visiting this weekend and suggested him and DP go shopping so he can buy her presents.

DDs bed broke recently so she has been either sharing DSs bed or sleeping on a futon mattress, so I very politely suggested he might want to get her a new bed instead. FIL seemed happy, but they have just left to go shopping and DP is in a real sulk with me telling me it was incredibly rude.

Thing is there's no way we could afford a new bed until after christmas, MIL has already sent a mountain of brand new clothes, plus I got lots from freecycle, and the DC have no need for any more books or toys.

I'm panicking now that I have appeared really rude.

I don't think that is rude

He may be happy you gave him a specific thing to buy

blokes are silly sometimes (your dp)

You made a suggestion !! YANBU

and I am that you have a FIL who takes your dc off your hands for a while

I don't think it was rude. If he would have spent that amount of money on your daughter anyway, then isn't it better to be spent on something that she really needs?

I assume she'll get presents from others, too, so she won't be missing out on the toys, and things.

totally depends.

my PILs find it incredibly rude not to ask people what they want for presents. they would consider it odd to give someone a surprise.

my own family consider it vulgar to ask people what they want, or to be the one to ask.

your DP's family may well be like my own.

Not rude IMO - just a practical present; he'd usually spend a similar amount of money so he's not out of pocket, just redistributing his contribution

Doesn't seem rude at all, just practicle.

DP is probably dissapointed he won't have new toys to play with, lol.

YANBU (or rude) I'm curious now to find out what they come backe with!

YANBU, it's a suggestion, perhaps your df is embarrassed that you can't afford to buy it & didn't want his Dad to know?

They are going to Ikea so not clothes I would imagine.

For goodness sake, a bed is a great idea, we have this with my mother every year she wants to buy more tat they don't need and gets the hump if I ask for anything else.
She doesn't seem to get this is my time, my children I get to buy the tat and see the faces light up.

Its difficult, im afraid i think it was a bit rude.
he may have been intending to cut back on his gift buying this year, most peole are tightening their belts.
And apart from that i just think its down to the person what they want to give.

cargirl, that's a good point. DP got the hump last night actually when I refused to leave the heating on all night (we never do) and told FIL it was because the gas is costing more than we can afford.

It's a great idea-it gives lots of choice. He doesn't have to act on your suggestion if he doesn't want to.

He's not cutting back, he has bought DS a £70 like a bike and a playmobil zoo (it's Ds's birthday next week too)

I hope it wasn't rude. You can get toddler beds for £30 in ikea anyway

YANBU, it was just a suggestion. Surely its better he gets her something practical instead of a huge pile of toys that in a few weeks all the excitement will have worn off.

Not rude at all. Very practical, and there are some lovely, princessy, wrought iron beds with canopies etc in Ikea that any little girl would be thrilled to have.

It's a great idea- you get something she desperately needs, she gets a lovely present, FIL has present idea problem solved.

YANBU. Someone asked me what present i would like for newborn ds and I said 'girl's clothes age 2+ please' coz my dd has an empty wardrobe compared to the baby. I was worried at seeming rude, but the lady in question was really pleased that her money wouldn't be wasted on an unwanted present. Hopefully your FIL sees it that way and will be chuffed to have bought a useful present that will get years of use.

No, you were not being rude! It gets on my nerve when people spend loads of money on frivolous gifts when you desperately need specific items.

It is your DP's pride that is getting in the way here. You will HAVE to nip your DP's behaviour in the bud, NOW! My DP never likes to admit to his family if things are a bit 'tight', and would spend a bit more than we could afford. MIL also loves to buy us things when they visit, but if they are not 'presents' for Christmas or birthdays or some such, the my DP views any money spent as being a loan - eg some furniture when we moved into a new house (they live abroad and stay with us for a few weeks at a time) that we need to pay back.

I was miffed to say the least. There was no way I was putting up with having to repay money that quite frankly I would never have spent if I had had my way. So I told him to either tell his mother to stop buying these big items, or that he would just have to accept them as a gift. Doesn't always work, but he is a darn sight better now than he was!!!

Oh, and by the way, I bet your FIL will get a kick out of the fact that HIS present will be used by your daughter for years to come!!!

To op, no not at all rude and as others have mentioned, he's probably glad that you've given him something specific to buy instead of spending lots on clothes and toys. My mum can be a bit like this as well and sometimes it's just a bit overwhelming though we are grateful as we haven't had to buy dd or ds clothes for a long time.