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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to tell them how I feel?

26 replies

VeryKeenForABean · 20/11/2008 18:44

(Have posted this as a moan elsewhere, but would value other pov on this!)

DH is going to visit his friend and friend's dw tomorrow. I can't go because of work. They are expecting their pfb the same week our ectopic would have been due and I have found this fact really, really hard. I find knowing we will have a permanent reminder of what wasn't to be. As a result of me feeling about it all, I haven't spoken to them much (not unusual as they are more dh's frineds anyway) but did send a card when they announced it congratulating them.

I want to send a gift with dh (was thinking belly cream, preg mag, flowers) but also want to mention in a card that as pleased for them as I am, I am finding it difficult etc. DH really doesn't want me to do this, and refuses to even mention it while he's there. I feel that if I never say anything our relationship could get harder, and I really want it said, so we can all move forwards.

AIBU?

OP posts:
ThePregnantHedgeWitch · 20/11/2008 18:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

babbi · 20/11/2008 18:49

I am very sorry for your situation and cannot imgaine how hard this must be for you.
YANBU to feel as you do , but IMVHO it would be wrong to refer to this in a card or otherwise to this couple. This is their happy time.
Take care x

traceybath · 20/11/2008 18:50

I am very sorry for your loss but really don't think you should mention it especially not in a card.

I'm sure they are aware of how difficult it must be for you and she'll probably be feeling really awkward.

Sorry.

TheNewsMonger · 20/11/2008 18:51

I think women understand these things better tbh.
You sound like an honest person, and you sound gracious, wishing your friends the best. They would be absolutely INHUMAN if they didn't recognise that this was hard for you. I think that a succinct explanation from YOUR heart, of why you can't be around them quite as much as you would have liked to have been, in your happier parallel universe, would be appreciated and understood.

JMO. I know it's different, but my friend had a baby with DS 6 months before i had my first and it was very hard for her. She just drifted away from me for a long time. I didn't feel like I could bring it up, but if she'd said to me, I can't face you and your normal baby right now, but give me time please. I would have been so happy to get such a note. never got it. Her son is an absolute gem now, but the damage to friendship has been done, even though she wouldn't swap him for a row of mainstream joes iyswim. sorry to use that 'analogy'.

crankycrane · 20/11/2008 18:51

yabu dont mention it at all

2shoes · 20/11/2008 18:51

yabu but then you are not.
not the same but when dd was born it was hard seeing non disabled babies, so in a very vague way I get whay you mean.
I am sure the othe woman (if she knows about it) realises this is a hard time for you.

Original poster
VeryKeenForABean · 20/11/2008 18:52

OK, that's what I knew really anyway. I absolutely donh't want them to feel bad, am truly happy, excited and pleased for them. Almost wanted them to know to reaasure them that my lack of contact is my prob not theirs iyswim.

Will just sends pressies and card and leave me out of it!

Thanks x

OP posts:
2shoes · 20/11/2008 18:53

(TheNewsMonger babies with ds are normal as well, sorry had to say it, not having a dig.)

DisasterArea · 20/11/2008 18:53

i've had similar. nephew was born the day i was in hospital having emergency surgery for ectopic. i never said anything and have never felt the same way about nephew as i have for other nephews/neices. and the guilt at knowing it's not his fault and not his mother's fault but feeling it all the same just adds to the misery.
it is horrible and so hard.
i wouldn't put anything in the card but i think if i had to do it again i would maybe have mentioned it in an email. something like, while i am overjoyed for you i am struggling as my heart is broken. i'm sure she knows this already and just doesn't know what to say to you.

TheNewsMonger · 20/11/2008 18:57

2shoes, jeesus, i know that, don't be so ridiculous making that comment to me.... I meant from her perspective. My baby was a reminder of what she was grieving for. My dc2 is on the ASD and has a severe speech delay and has GDD across the board, so when I use the term normal i'm not holding normal up as some sort of ideal. I wouldn't swap my son for a row of mainstream joes either.

piratecat · 20/11/2008 18:57

there is no way that your friends, well the woman more , hasn't thought of you.

Your time will be precious when it happens. it must be very saddening, and I can sympathise.

take care.

TheNewsMonger · 20/11/2008 18:59

I didn't explain that well, in my OP I was paraphrasing what she would have said if she'd explained WHY she couldn't face me.

TheNewsMonger · 20/11/2008 19:00

Sorry OP, didn't mean to end up scrapping on your thread.

Original poster
VeryKeenForABean · 20/11/2008 19:00

newsmonger - I think you and I were thinking along the same path, and it's good to hear about it "from the other side"! (although sorry your friendship suffered)

disaster - sorry to hear about your experience. I think your email idea is similar to wanting my dh to literally briefly mention it as I do worry that I will always have this slight feeling about it and want to be able to move on. I think I will just have to manage to do that on my own.

Might write something but not send it and see if it has the same effect!

OP posts:
Webstermum · 20/11/2008 19:01

I am so sorry for your loss and I do know how you feel - my sister had a baby the day mine from 4th miscarriage was due but to be honest i was dreading it & how i would feel but once i saw my niece i forgot all about my pain. The baby may always remind you of what might have been for you but hopefully you will have a baby of your own as I did & the loss will get easier. I don't think you should mention it but I do think they should understand without you needing to say anything x

wotulookinat · 20/11/2008 19:06

I don't think you should mention it either, but I completely understand why you would not want to go. If they ask where you are, your DH could tell them and I am sure they won't mind. If the woman was your friend, rather than the wife of your DH's friend, then it might be different.

WinkyWinkola · 20/11/2008 19:10

I'm so sorry that you had an ectopic pregnancy.

I agree with others that your DH's friends know that it's very hard for you. I'm not sure there would be any value in telling them that really other than making them feel a bit awkward and guilty about their pregnancy. That wouldn't be fair really.

Would it be enough to talk to your DH and your own closer friends about it? Are you getting enough support at the moment do you think?

Original poster
VeryKeenForABean · 20/11/2008 19:42

Thanks again everyone, particularly for sharing your experiences x

WW - I am really lucky to have a lot of people around me, I am v wary of discussing stuff in rl though, as am aware I often have a skewed pov! The beauty of MN! Thank you x

OP posts:
Original poster
VeryKeenForABean · 20/11/2008 19:49

Webster - so sorry to hear about your mcs. I am so pleased to hear that you felt fine about your neice. I'm almost wishing for the edd to come so I can stop anticipating these feelings and hopefully just meet their new lo, be wowed by them as a person in their own right, and move on! I guess it may be a lot easier when they're safely here.

Am going to bow out of thread now, as have made my plan, and hearing how unreasonable I'm being (I know, I asked!) is hard!

Thanks all

OP posts:
TheSeriousOne · 20/11/2008 20:02

Sorry, but I think YABU.

Not that you are upset, but it is not THEIR fault. And that IS how it will come across if you put it in a note / card / letter to them.

I appreciate that you have feelings of loss which will always be there in some capacity, but your DH's friends are also having a baby and do deserve to relish that and not be faced with 'the world isn't perfect' - we all know it isn't, and I am not trying to ignore your loss. But be happy for them. Talk to her afterwards, she will understand. Of that I am certain, but please don't piss on her parade. She doesn't deserve that any more than you did.

I'm sorry for your Ectopic PG.

2shoes · 20/11/2008 20:04

TheNewsMonger thanks for the ridiculous comment!
I did say I wasn't having a did. end of hijack.
sorry op

TheNewsMonger · 21/11/2008 11:44

It was just an extremely unnecessary comment directed entirely at the wrong person then. Whatever. You don't need to 'educate' me.

alicet · 21/11/2008 11:56

Sorry to go against the grain but I'm actually surprised how many people think the OP is being unreasonable.

I agree to just send the card and pressie and leave it at that. But I also think a brief, carefully worded email axplaining how you feel is a good thing to do. Like another poster said they would have welcomed this in the reverse situation and I know I would too. One of my closest friends had a miscarriage a couple of months before ds1 was born and she was open in saying that she was happy to hear my news on email just couldn't face talking about it on the phone or in person. I found it hard for sure but then I also found it hard that because my pregnancy upset her I couldn't just pick up the phone and be there to support her (she lived at the other end of the country). I think if she hadn't mentioned anything to me, hust avoided / ignored me until things became less painful for her our friendship would have been damaged irreparably.

It is not taking away from their special time to mention your loss - if they know this anyway they will already be feeling awkward about it. And being open (as briefly as you can explain) about it will mean they can talk about it with you if they wish and will understand why you might be a bit distant for a hilw.

So I would do it.

alicet · 21/11/2008 11:58

Sorry for all sp's - I am wearing a splint on my right hand which makes it difficult not to have lots of typos!

TheNewsMonger · 21/11/2008 12:32

alicet, i agree. if you say nothing, all sorts of thoughts could be attributed to you. better imo, to say what you actually ARE thinking. Obviously to word it as carefully and as graciously as you can though.