(or more to the point are WE BU) in "regulating" the visitors?

[pookamoo]

Today I am a week overdue with first LO.

One of the (many!) things that worries me is that after the long awaited baby arrives, we will get inundated with visitors.

Obviously we will love to show off our new arrival, but I am concerned that we won't have any time to ourselves!

The plan is to spend a couple of days in the local midwife led unit after the birth, to get the feeding right, and to work out which way up to hold the baby!

That's fine, as visiting times are limited, but so is the number of people who can visit at any one time (4 per mum).

Do you think it would be unreasonable of us to ask our friends and family to arrange in advance with DH when they should come to visit? We can make sure that we don't get 20 people at once, and be clear that we will only be able to see them for a little while. Say half an hour at a time. We're planning to keep the same thing going when we get home, although for the first two days we'd like it to be "just us" iyswim.

So as "friends and family" would you think we were being unreasonable? I think we might make an exception for our own immediate family though, just on our terms. Or is it firm but fair?

Thanks for your thoughts.
(You can tell I don't have enough to do now that I am overdue!!)

Sounds very sensible, and I'm sure your friends would rather see you for a short while on their own than turn up when you already have lots of visitors and not really get to speak to you.

YANBU. If I wanted to visit someone, even family, with a new baby, I'd phone to say congratualations and ask if I could come over at their convenience, whenever that might be and ask if they want anything doing. You will be recovering from childbirth and there won't be much sleep going on! Outrageously rude to impose at this time.

it is really really important that you and dh/dp get to have time on your own with baby and that you rest as much as possible...i'm expecting dc3 and i'm putting a ban on visitors (apart from inlaws who live 5mins away) because it really eats into the paternity leave your partner takes...with all the entertaining you do you suddenly realise that the time has flown by...hes back at work and your on your own with baby (my experience) thing is the first week you feel superhuman and want to show off baby to everyone, but actually its really important to rest...if your unlucky you may be pretty tired before lo arrives anyway.

this time round i want to spend as much time as i can snuggling baby in bed with my two other gorgeous children and dh and not having to get dressed!

YANBU. This has to be your dh's MAIN JOB for the first couple of weeks. He doesn't need ot be draconian about it, just ask people to give you a ring before they come round.

Tbh, I would NEVER just drop in on someone with a new-born.

And it is your dh's job, not yours.

Completely reasonable. I'd go further and suggest sorting all your potential visitors into the lovely ones who are likely to tell you to rest while they do some housework/errands for you, and the people who are likely to be hard work if they come round.

And don't invite the latter category if you can possibly avoid it!

Phew - Thanks everyone!

We had our first taste of it today when our next door neighbours phoned 30 seconds after we came in from antenatal appointment to say could they come round in half an hour! They had seen us drive in. They know baby isn't here yet but wanted to see us (and for "see us" please read "pat my tummy and grin a lot"!). DH was a bit caught on the hop (he felt terrible afterwards as he was going back to work) and said yes! I was a bit as I really wanted a nap but too late by then!

Half an hour later, said neighbours coming down the path carrying casseroles! Bless them, they did their patting the tummy thing and off they went. They are lovely and mean well, but are elderly and have a lot of time on their hands. I have said to them they will be welcome to visit in the hospital and we'll let them know when is a good time, so all should be ok.

I can't wait to show off my little one, but first, I want to get to know him or her with DH, as a new family.

Absolutely definitely not being unreasonable. Be firm but kind.

Get DH to say that you need some time to settle in and although you understand that they are desperate to meet the new member of the family, you would appreciate it if they could call in advance.

I blocked all visitors for the first couple of weeks and just sat and stared at DD

YANBU.

Everybody has to go through DH first. Do not answer the phone yourself. And although it's hard at weekends, I'd really suggest limiting it to one set of visitors per day. It's tiring being nice all the time and you won't feel like it.

[easy to be wise after the event though... I'm the person whose MIL phoned when ds1 was 3 days old, and dd was 12 months at the time, and said 'well the 5 of us are coming tomorrow, so if you could just do something like lasagne for us all that would be great'.... and like a moron, I did it!]

wideratthehips "i want to spend as much time as i can snuggling baby in bed with my two other gorgeous children and dh and not having to get dressed!"

Sounds like heaven!!

I would only expect to visit a new mum in hospital if she were a close relative or best friend. Otherwise I would feel distinctly pushy.

We had a sign on a door saying - Mother and Baby are well and are resting for 2 weeks.

Sounds harsh but was the best advice I ever got. Had only family and very close friends who would never dream of just dropping in.

YANBU - i was 2 weeks overdue with my dd who is 15 weeks and ended up having an emcs and everyone from my family and df family came at the same time, all in one side room which was very stuffy , so you are definately not being unreasonable..

p.s - hope your not waiting too much longer

I completely sympathise! We held an 'open afternoon' on the Sunday after DS was born and people could pop in. DH was basically a bouncer at the door for all other 'visits'. He actually sent people away at times because I was sleeping or feeding. People were really understanding. I'm pregnant with DC2 at the moment and fully intend to do something similar, especially as it's so important for DS to bond with his brother/sister...

My DH had a lot of phone calls before DS came, telling people not to just 'pop in'. It was awkward, but people do understand. The trouble is, My DH's family are always just 'popping in', even 2 years later. I actually think it's really rude, and would never do it myself.

Good luck (for the birth) and to DH for his bouncer duties........x

yanbu, we were inundated with people turning up, spent all the time making tea and waiting on them, then midwife comes every day and asks if you have been resting, no i've been making tea. people we hardly ever see were phoning up asking when they could come in 1st week and we tried to fit everyone in, had 12 at a time, nightmare.

I found that people who had children knew to stay away until asked, and the more sensitive ones of those left their kids behind too when they did come. My friends who didn't have kids just piled round.

I often had to make them tea etc, and even my own parents used to turn up needing lunch and not bringing anything, then sit there whilst I made sandwiches (I could barely stand!).

You're right to protect yourself, and if you want visitors later on they'll rush round when you call anyway.

Good luck, remember the best visitors are the ones who come bearing food and leave with your ironing!

YANBU, we didn't have visitors once I came home from hospital with DS for at least 3 or 4 days (even our parents). Other people knew that I wouldn't answer the door to folk who just show up, I am a miserable unsociable cow but I just find it incredibly rude to just show up at anytime, never mind when you have a new baby.
I am sure people will not just understand but they will expect you to limit visitors, tiny ones can get very over stimulated easily and are then very hard to settle.
Good Luck with the birth and stuff, hope it all goes well. The birth and the first few weeks, ney months, are hard but it is so exciting too. Remember any problems, not matter how small, this site is excellent for advice but I am sure you already know that. XXX

YANBU.

I was inundated with visitors to the hospital and to our home in the days after our DS was born. I absolutely hated it and tried to communicate this politely to my DH and mum, who were the 'gatekeepers', but with little effect. It ended up really stressing me out, as I was struggling with BF-ing and also quite anxious about other people holding him. Oh, and i just felt like shit, too, and didn't particularly feel like getting dressed and making tea for people.

This time around, I was very assertive about the matter before DD even dropped . No visitors to the hospital other than my DH, DS, mum and sister. No visitors at home for the first week minimum.

DD is 6 days old now, and I'm having my first visitor tomorrow afternoon - a very close friend who is bringing lunch and only staying a couple of hours. After that i don't plan to have any more visitors for another week or so. I'm enjoying this period so much this time around. I feel much more relaxed and blissed out in my own little bubble with my new bubba

The first few days / weeks after you give birth are such a special - but also unpredictable - time. You have to protect yourself and your little family and put yourselves first. Go with your instincts.

YANBU - very sensible. I remember sitting in a daze when we had my ds (now 3) while about 15 of my dh's family came to our house for hours. It was HIDEOUS! And our ds was very unsettled unsurprisingly having been handed round all afternoon! When we had dd (now 18 months) we had a strict rule (suggested by ME!)of no visitors in the afternoon and only one lot of people in the morning. We booked them in on the calendar - lol! Much more settled baby and better rested all round. Good Luck

Booking them in on the calendar sounds like a good idea, Laurz
Thank you all for your lovely kind wishes of support - of course I will be putting up a pic of the LO on MN as soon as I can!

DEF not being unreasonable.

In particular I used to HATE being visited by friends who visited me and my newborn with their own children in tow

I totally agree that if you don't want visitors its fine to tell people, but equally I think that if you do have visitors its fine to tell them to make their own tea!

Don't you think that maybe most people just don't realise/don't think and might actually be pleased to help but not know how? Maybe I am hopelessly optimistic, not having been through this myself yet, but I would have no hesitation telling people, "please do go to the kitchen and make yourself a cup of tea, and I'd love one too" and I'm sure anyone who is upset about that will pretty soon recover! Actually, I sometimes do that anyway with all my siblings...and without the excuse of a baby...

As a midwife, I always recommend that people unplug their landlines, switch off their mobiles and put a 'do not disturb' on the front door until they feel ready as a family to welcome visitors for short visits.
You will never get back this precious time with your newborn, so don't waste it making cups of tea whilst other people cuddle your baby.

Hi all,
Baby came on day 14 overdue, all by herself in the end, no induction

We put a sign on the door saying "It's a girl" etc, and asked people to text us rather than call or ring the doorbell.

Even the MW was hesitant when she first came round because she hadn't told us what time she was coming!