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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think my 27yo SIL is unreasonable? *Looong rant alert*

61 replies

June2009 · 20/11/2008 14:17

To cut a long story short, we have dinner round ours with FIL, BIL and SIL every sunday and although it's really nice to have them round, now that I am close to 12w pregnant it's a bit much to prepare and clean everything even with dh helping out.

Whenever we ask her to come and help she goes in a proper strop, claims that we're accusing her of not helping but that she does (she doesn't) then says that we don't love her, hangs up on dh and texts him saying "I'm not coming".
This has happenend a few times, all prompted by "can you come early and help instead of just turning up when it's ready and complain all the time?" culminating in her dad negociating to actually go and pick her up from home so she would come; that day we'd called her in turn all day to beg her to come as we wanted to announce our pregnancy to close family, by the time they got back everything was cold for everyone and when we told her about the baby she did not show any excitement.

I know she is stressed about her parents divorce but I can't help thinking she is a bit of a princess and she should get over herself.

OP posts:
lalalonglegs · 20/11/2008 15:57

It sounds as if you are using your pregnancy to bring things to a head - most women can still cook a meal for three guests at 12 wks - and deal with behaviour that has been grating on your nerves for a while. As you say, it is a long story cut short - and she does sound appalling in your version of events - but she probably senses your dislike, isn't mature enough to change her behaviour and is now worried that you are going to be Chief Girl in the family as you are producing a grandchild.

pagwatch · 20/11/2008 16:02

why don't you honestly just stop asking her then?

ROFL at manly cooking.
Dh can cook a sunday meal ( and actually everything) better than I can. Except baking. I bake better than he does.

MorrisZapp · 20/11/2008 16:05

I don't think it's reasonable to ask your guests to arrive early to help you make their meal.

I agree with the poster who said, either invite her as a guest and make the food for her, or don't invite her.

She doesn't sound as if she really wants to come anyway.

mrswoolf · 20/11/2008 16:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Upwind · 20/11/2008 16:09

"they always helped with more "manly" things"

manly things like barbeques and beer drinking and keeping an eye on the football results?

while you asked SIL to help with the womanly things like washing the dishes, preparing the food, clearing and setting the table?

Original poster
June2009 · 20/11/2008 16:14

lalalonglegs thanks for your comments, I think you are spot on.

OP posts:
Pheebe · 20/11/2008 16:44

Agree with lalalonglegs

but

I have to say if I received a text like "can you come early and help instead of just turning up when it's ready and complain all the time?"

I would have said - stuff your dinner up your arses

sorry

and I have a SIL who does exactly that (turns up when its ready and complains all the time)

Pheebe · 20/11/2008 16:47

Hmm I agree more with morriszap anyway

and have to say I was nearly rolling on the floor laughing about the being unable to do the cooking because of being nearly 12 weeks pg - I will say what others have hinted at - how pathetic! You think 12 weeks is tough.... lolololol

OrmIrian · 20/11/2008 16:48

Yes I have to say that if I was asked to arrive early and help when there were only 4 people turning up for a meal I'd be a little irritated. Very rude. She may be childish but so are you. Why not also ask BIL and FIL to help?

cheshirekitty · 20/11/2008 16:50

Why not go for a Sunday carvery lunch at a local pub. That way, everyone gets to have a good time, with no cooking or clearing up.

moondog · 20/11/2008 16:50

Jesus. a 'bit much' to put a meal on at 12 weeks pregnant. I've heard it all.

Why should she come and help?
If you are entertaining, you do the work.

BalloonSlayer · 20/11/2008 16:51

I think it sounds as if you have set yourself up as the matriarch in this family.

You are complaining that she is treated as a child, and acting like one. But you are treating her as if she is one, expecting her to do chores in return for her dinner.

I suspects she resents this new set up and is - yes, childishly - thinking "you're not my mum, stop bossing me around."

Ronaldinhio · 20/11/2008 17:01

yabu
Holy God, what are you making for Sunday dinner?

Make the dinner
Serve the dinner
Then.....
Watch the telly
Read the papers
Have a bath
Go for a walk (delete as necessary)

Let some other fool do the dishes/load the dishwasher
Not hard, not difficult.
Those who are there get fed those who aren't don't.
Also pregnancy is not a disability

Sounds like diva wars at yours on a Sunday

misshardbroom · 20/11/2008 17:05

YABU about making a fuss about her helping. As other people have said, either invite her or don't, but don't get in a strop about her not helping. And I know the early weeks of being pregnant are a misery, but if you go on to have more children (assuming you don't already have more??) then you'd better get used to cooking, cleaning, nappy changing etc when you're 12 weeks pg & feeling crapola.

But why are you all trying to persuade her to come when she's stropped off? If she texts and says 'well I'm not coming', just go 'fine, love' and don't pander to her. She's 27 FFS, not 3.

VinegarTits · 20/11/2008 17:11

YABU - sorry

KatieScarlett2833 · 20/11/2008 17:13

I intended to compose a thoughtful and reasonable reply to this, but the 12 week thing........., the fact that you expect female guests to arrive early and help and the fact that you clearly resent her, so YABU, sorry.

mabel1973 · 20/11/2008 17:18

I don't think it's anything to do with being 12 weeks pregnant.
I am 40 weeks pregnant and cook for 2 kids and DH every day, no-one else is going to do it.
You clearly don't like her very much, or at least don't like her attitude...
If she had any manners she would offer to help you...most people do out of politeness when they are a dinner guest (even if they don't mean it), as would FIL and BIL!

I agree with misshardbroom...if she doesn't want to come don't make a deal about it, she's being fed for nothing, if she wants to turn up her nose. It's her choice. You don't owe her anything.

Original poster
June2009 · 20/11/2008 17:27

Thanks for all your comments,
I do feel better about this now that I've said how I feel.
I may have mentionned before that my pregnancy hormones are not helping at this stage, I am usually a reasonable person.

Just to make things clear the only reason we asked her to help out in the first place was because she kept complaining about the timing and the food while boasting she could do better so I really wasn't expecting her to get offended.

BalloonSlayer, very good point. I should probably try harder with her.

moondog I'm glad you were able to cope with everything at even just 12w, I guess every pregnancy is different, personally I'm really struggling with my emotions.

Pheebe I never texted her, I've explained what actually happened in an earlier message.
I agree that dh could have asked another way and told him so. This divorce is putting everybody at wit's ends.

Today she had a rough day at work so I have invited her tonight for dinner to talk about it, she's not expected to do anything

OP posts:
traceybath · 20/11/2008 17:34

Hope you have a nice evening - and hope you feel less emotional soon. First pregnancies are a shock

Also well done on staying so reasonable on this thread (hope that doesn't sound patronising)

CountessDracula · 20/11/2008 17:38

Why can't you alternate
one week at yours one week at hers?

though pmsl @ not being able to cook because your are 12 weeks pg! I take it this is your first baby...

CountessDracula · 20/11/2008 17:39

whoops sorry that was rather tactless
obv some do find it limiting

Tortington · 20/11/2008 17:42

i was thinking that.

no reason why you cant cook and clean up after 5 people ffs.

she sounds like a cunt - and i would knock it on the head.

CountessDracula · 20/11/2008 17:43

Also
Why just her?
Why can't FIL and BIL pitch in too?

Original poster
June2009 · 20/11/2008 17:45

misshardbroom and mabel1973, I agree with you. I'm not the one who was chasing after her all day that day.
Katie It's shame that you deleted your something thoughtful, I really could have done with it today.

I realise that this specific incident got out of proportions in my head and for that I am grateful for your replies.

OP posts:
cory · 20/11/2008 17:46

June2009 on Thu 20-Nov-08 15:33:22

"FIL and BIL will do their bit in turns or when asked, they always helped with more "manly" things like the bbq during the summer."

I think the problem for Mumsnetters is to get over the shock of finding that there are still women around in 2008 who think along these lines.

If someone told me that I had to come and help cook her meal instead of her own dh because cooking dinner was not a "manly" thing, I would refuse to stir a finger on principle. Sorry, but really I would.

What does your dh think about this? Mine would be very offended at the thought that he wasn't capable of a simple little thing like cooking for 5 people just because he's a man.

I understand about pregnancy rendering you emotional and tired, but what is your dh's excuse?