At the attitude of this woman?

[angrypants]

Brief summary-

I am a SAHM with 2 children,DS is 7 and DD is 5.

DS has SN and has a 1:1 at school.

Both children have been ill this week and have had bad croupy coughs and DS has had a high temperature on and off.
They have been really out of sorts and not eating much and sleeping a lot which is out of charecter for both of them.

Have been ringing the school everyday and spoke to DS's 1:1 yesterday on the phone for about 20 mins nad she told me the school has a lot of childredn off at the moment with the same symptoms and advice from a letter from the school was to keep them off so as not to pass it on to others.

Anyway this morning a woman from parent support who has recently made herself known to me and attanded DS's statement review meeting the other week rang me.

She said she was in the area and could she pop in to discuss the meetingand how it went.
I had rung her last week and she did'nt get back to me and she made out I had'nt returned her call from last week.

I said it was unappropriate today as had both children at home ill .

She then went on to say it is not the first time both children have been off together and it rings alarm bells for school when both children are off and schools wonder if the children are really ill or off for other reasons.

She said the teachers are there to teach the children and when they are off it distrupts everything.
This is probably in reference to my DS's 1:1.

She also said the children are missing out.

I said I don't find it unusal that both children are off ill together as they are in close proximity(sp) to each other and why should that be ringing alarm bells.

She said most mothers send their children to school when they are ill but I said why would I do that.
Apart from the fact that they would pass on their illness to others.

I know feel I am damned because I did'nt send them and damned if I did as they had sent letters out last week saying their was lots of bugs going round the school and to keep children off.

I just wonder if the school had asked her to ring and pop round and feel I am being checked up on.

Do they really think I would keep them of school with no reason and make up they are feeling ill?

She has made me feel under suspicion of something and I know feel really crap.

Am I being over sensitive or are her comments totally uncalled for?

From what i just read, seems like it is funded by the government and should have been something you agreed to take part in prior to be given this 'help'.

Heres the link www.dcsf.gov.uk/research/data/uploadfiles/DCSF-RW020.pdf

might be worth reading, too much information is never a bad thing

In the last meeting the parent support advisor and the headmistress nearly came to blows over her role.
It got quite embarrasing by the end.

The advisor was discusing bringing in CAF which the headmistress disagreed with as things had moved on since then an dwould be of no benefit to DS now.

The advisor felt this was her role to over see this to take the workload of the school.

Anyway got quite confusing and hardly added to my confidence about them dealing with my son.

Well sadly some parents DO keep their DCs off school for no good reason. Our school will ring home if you have not been in touch before 9.30 to explain absence.

someone I know once kept all 3 of hers off because one of them had an asthma attack, she couldn't be bothered to take the others in,it was a lovely sunny day and they spent all day out on their bikes so obv NOT ill.

But OP, I think as you have informed the school why they are off, thats fine. This woman should not see it as any of her concern. They would only be onto you if your kids were having odd days off here and there, every other week, and always both of them together. That WOULD look suspicious, your situation justs sounds normal part of life with kids.

I would ignore her, but if it happens again, complain

Thanks claw3-will have a read.

Was unaware of this.

"She said most mothers send their children to school when they are ill" - er, no they don't! (do they?) She seems to be under the delusion that she is the Educational Welfare Officer as well

YANBU. Hope you're all feeling better soon

yanbu - kids can be sick at the sametime as their siblings.

On the point of kids being off school when one of their brother/sister/s is off school then if you have no one to help you can't take a kid who's throwing up, diarrhea, can't walk or has asthma or whatever to the school. In this case phoning the school to explain is helpful.

She actually said some mothers send them regardless,so I can't win really.

I don't have anyone to help out so would have had to take DS out to take DD to school if she had not been ill as well.

I have been ringing the school and keeping them informed.

Should ring that bloody woman and ask her to call round now.

Just gave DS and DD a warm bath and DS is now lying on the sofa saying he feels sick.

He is fallen asleep now and is muttering away.
He looks exhausted poor little fella.

DD is lying down again also.

She has ,made me feellike I should be sending them back to school tomorrow but will see how they are in the morning.
If it looks bad it looks bad am not sending them to satisfy her.

Follow your instincts angrypants. Mums always know best. Don't worry what other people think, if your DC are ill, there ill.

Thanks tiedsville.

They both went to sleep around 6.30 which is early for them .
Hopefully they will feel better in the morning.
At least they both managed a bowl of soup each tonight,they have'nt been eating much at all.

Spoke to DH last night about her phone call and he was furious.

He is going to ring her today and tell her that I don't need this added pressure and that the children have been ill and don't appreciate her hinting at them being off for "other reasons".

He said she was meant to be reliving the pressure and supporting me not adding to it.

Was looking through previous e mails she had sent me and this one in paticular which in now re reading it since yesterdays comments make me feel like she is questioning my parenting.

It said

Just important to reiterate what we disscused around maintaining strong boundaries for children -am aware that when we have a child with difficulties ,it is easy to go down the route of "giving way" to not cause further problems.
Rules gently ,but firmly kept,make children feel secure,safe and loved.
It is oppoisite to what we think!
If we "give in" children feel less secure lost and unsure.

It's about being the pack leader.
If you get a chance watch the "The dog whisperer" because it makes it very clear what happens to dog when there is no pack leader.
Wierdly it's exactly the same for children.

If the lines are blurry it leads to confusion at best.

I am not sure if I am totally over reacting to this at feeling this is inapropriate and far from what I though her role was in supporting me and making me feel less anxious about everything.
Or is it just her trying to help?

Angrypants - Morning, firstly i would define with the school exactly what the PSA role is, if there is confusion about it.

It was my understanding the role of the PSA was to improve pupil attendance and pupil behaviour by supporting parents to meet their responsibilities to their children. (just what i read, no experience of it at all)

If you feel that you have been given this help and you dont need it, i would contact the school to discuss it.

I think you are over reacting a bit. I know it must be v frustrating for you. I also think getting your DH to call is a bit off key - another excuse for her to think you are not dealing with things and it just looks defensive. Could do more harm that good. Just my opinion....

claw3-have read the link and to be honest that was'nt how it was put to me.

It was more to support me in arranging and attending meetings re my DS which I have previuosly done myself.
Collabrating all the paperwork and making sure DS's needs were being meet.

I have had lots of practice with this in the past 4 years and thought we were geting somewhere and was feeling positive about the future.

This has just thrown everything up in the air again and started me doubting myself that I have been doing a good job with at all.

crushwitheyeliner-I think DH was so upset last night as he had seen a change in the situationa nd felt more positve after the meeting.
He also thought I was becoming more confident with dealing with everything and last night he saw me back tracking to that anxious person and doubting myself again.

This morning he may see things differently and will have calmed down so may not even ring her after all.

I will e mail him later,I know he has a lot on at work at the moment.

I know what you are saying about it seemimg defensive but DH just feels he should be supporting me and surly she would understand that.

Angry - Without knowing whether there have been attendance problems in the past etc, its hard to say who is over reacting.

If there have been problems im the past and you are making a real effort, it would be a shame not to be giving you credit where due.

Of course I agree with you totally. I just want you to work this to your favour and in my experience you have to work with these people or things may get more complicated for you - the only way out will be through if that makes sense...

claw3-they have had odd days off here and there but no more than any other child.
This is the first time they have both had time off and been ill for longer than a day.

Talking to DS's 1:1 there is a lot of sicknesss in the school at the moment and so not unusal.

DS a couple of years ago had issues with school relating to his SN but we worked through that and he is now happy and more relaxed about school and enjoys it.

Since his statement he has become more confident and reassured.

I dont feel this should be held againest us.

I feellike I am fighting a losing battle all the time and what ever I do is not good enough.

Unless these people have walked in my shoes and live with this day to day they can't really understand.

Crushwitheyeliner-I understand that but it's just one more person in a list of many that seem to be undermining me.

I have for the last 4 years fought for what is best for DS and have sometimes become obseessed with learning about DS;s SN as there was no person who I could actually sit down with and discuss my concerns.
Most of the people at these meetings even after 4 years still have'nt grasped DS's issues and it is hard work trying to educate them when I am learning about it myself.

I just can't see why I have to work with these people if I feel it is of no benefit to myself of more importantly to DS.

As someone said previously you get an instinct about people who are genuinely there to help and care and others that are just there to tick the boxes.

Angry - If you have no real attendance problem does sound like the PSA has over reacted. Although it is her role to improve attendance, i dont see how making you feel you cant be trusted will help.

Although you may well feel like telling her where to stick her help, she may well be able to help you in the long run. Having a child with SN myself, its not easy.

I would have a word with the school about her approach, the PSA is a very new scheme and is probably not run as smoothly as it could be.

claw3-I guess I am suspicious as this was'nt mentioned as part of her role in supporting me and feel it is a little underhand and sneaky.

Do they think I would not realise this?

I would welcome any help but I just feel that this woman has had no real experience and understanding of DS's SN and therefore see it as yet another do gooder puting their oar in.

Wrongly or rightly I don't need anymore pressure but know I have to handle this without seeming ungratful or defensive.

Not easy.

Will have a word with the school and her and make my concerns known.

DH just thinks things were on the right track and this is just mixing it all up again.

I know exactly what you mean by not understanding your childs SN.

My Ds has a real eating problem, he literally eats 5 things and has done since he could eat. He is receiving OCT help with this, but very early days, after 5 appointments she hasnt even approached food yet.

He is due to start school in January, the OCT has advised me to give him packed lunch, so we can work on it gradually. The SENCO at the school wants him to stay for school dinners, saying "im sure we will have something on the menu he will like". My son eats apples, half a chocolate spread sandwich, yogurt, honeynut loops and strawberrys. Thats all he has eaten for the last 5 years, but she seems to think after a week at school, she can put it right!!

Ex-teacher and Educationalist here.

She's an interfering, unprofessional bully seeking to gain status at the expense of yours. My advice would be to send her away with a flea in her ear if she contacts you again.

You are not supposed to send children to school with infectious illnesses. People only do that because they have to go to work, usually, and employment law is very unhelpful in this regard. Teachers do not want to teach ill children either. Schools are not hospitals. Children do not learn very well when they are ill, so there is not much point in sending them anyway.

There is a hierarchy of illnesses - diarrhoea and vomiting require a 48 hour exclusion in most Local Authority areas, and there is a tariff of exclusions for other illnesses, eg chicken pox, rubella, impetigo. It varies a bit from area to area. Otherwise parents are meant to use their common sense, for things bad colds, mystery viruses and so on.

It is also patently obvious to anyone who has had children or worked in schools that whole families are frequently off sick together. It is expected by the teachers.

So she is talking absolute twaddle. She is not the Educational Welfare Officer, and your kids would have to be off an incredible amount before there was any question of an intervention of this kind. It does not sound like you are the kind of people the Government is trying to get back into the habit of schooling. Clearly your family already takes a serious interest in your children's education. She is wasting public resources hassling you like this.

If it was me, I would also write a strongly worded letter complaining formally about what she has said, because I can tell you here and now this will not have been her brief, if what you have told us is correct. We get the public services we deserve and sometimes we have to complain constructively to make sure we have services worthy of us.

You seem to have been disempowered by the process you have been through. I absolutely agree with BM above but would also say- You are their parent, you know what is best for them, you have made a decision based on your expertise as their mother and she should respect that.

claw3-I can relate to other people thinking they have the answer and a quick fix to it all.
To me it just enforces that maybe I have been doing it wrong all this time and they can make it all right.

My DS has selective mutism and has'nt talked in school for 3 years.
He also has a phonological disorder and sensory and toileting issues.

He has seen numerous professionals and the last one saw him for 4 visits and said my DS was not showing him he wanted to help himself.
So as now passed on the case to another department.

He holds the view that DS is being stubborn and choosing who to talk to.

After 3 years of not talking that's some willpower

It is an anxiety disorder and not a choose at all.
It is a long process and requires patience and no stress to talk.

Even at our last meeting words like strong willed ,choosing who he talks to were being bandered (sp)around.
So frustrating when I have sat through numerous meetings with these people and have corrected them and they still have'nt grasped it.

TheSENCO at your DS's school seems very much in the same mind set.
They need to tackle this so your DS feels comfortable and relaxed around eating and keeping him from getting stressed.
He will be starting school which in its self can be stressful without the added pressure of presenting him with foods he is'nt used to.

Go with your own instincts.

Boffinmum-my Dh said something similar about her gaining status at the expense of mine.

In talking to DS's 1:1 she had said that the school advocate keeping the children when ill.

I don't think it would have been her brief ethier so not sure why she felt the need to say what she did.

x posts junkcollector-great way of putting it,yes I feel disempowered by the process I have been through.

As their parent I made that decision but obviously it has not been respected.