At the attitude of this woman?

[angrypants]

Brief summary-

I am a SAHM with 2 children,DS is 7 and DD is 5.

DS has SN and has a 1:1 at school.

Both children have been ill this week and have had bad croupy coughs and DS has had a high temperature on and off.
They have been really out of sorts and not eating much and sleeping a lot which is out of charecter for both of them.

Have been ringing the school everyday and spoke to DS's 1:1 yesterday on the phone for about 20 mins nad she told me the school has a lot of childredn off at the moment with the same symptoms and advice from a letter from the school was to keep them off so as not to pass it on to others.

Anyway this morning a woman from parent support who has recently made herself known to me and attanded DS's statement review meeting the other week rang me.

She said she was in the area and could she pop in to discuss the meetingand how it went.
I had rung her last week and she did'nt get back to me and she made out I had'nt returned her call from last week.

I said it was unappropriate today as had both children at home ill .

She then went on to say it is not the first time both children have been off together and it rings alarm bells for school when both children are off and schools wonder if the children are really ill or off for other reasons.

She said the teachers are there to teach the children and when they are off it distrupts everything.
This is probably in reference to my DS's 1:1.

She also said the children are missing out.

I said I don't find it unusal that both children are off ill together as they are in close proximity(sp) to each other and why should that be ringing alarm bells.

She said most mothers send their children to school when they are ill but I said why would I do that.
Apart from the fact that they would pass on their illness to others.

I know feel I am damned because I did'nt send them and damned if I did as they had sent letters out last week saying their was lots of bugs going round the school and to keep children off.

I just wonder if the school had asked her to ring and pop round and feel I am being checked up on.

Do they really think I would keep them of school with no reason and make up they are feeling ill?

She has made me feel under suspicion of something and I know feel really crap.

Am I being over sensitive or are her comments totally uncalled for?

This may be a stupid question but whats SN?

Special Needs.

What is the remit of this parent support person anyway? Does her 'helping' include casting aspersions on angrypants? Why is there is need to bring her onside if she does not even do her homework on the family she is supposed to support.

Is she helping or just fulfilling some bureaucratic agenda?

What benefits does she actually bring to angrypants. If she is there to 'support parents', she is doing exactly the opposite. If she is just pastoral support, the need to 'let her in a bit' just adds to angrypants' already full plate.

Going against the grain here but it seems to me that social workers and related supprt staff etc simply cannot win. If they express concern for kids then this is taken as an extreme insult and judgement on people's parenting skills, yet when they accept the parents words at face value and get it wrong, they are accused of being uncaring and box ticking.

My two nephews are often off school together as their mother prefers to lie in bed than take them to school. My brother had to make endless phone calls to get any action taken and needless to say their mother was outraged to the point of almost hysteria that anybody had dared to express professional concern for her kids.

In your case, clearly there is no reason for concern and your kids are being very well cared for. Why is it so insulting to even be asked about stuff like this? You are a great mother but how does a stranger know this?

It seems we'll never win this one. One minute we're all on about bringing back community, it takes a village to raise a child etc, the next we're absolutely outraged when any professional takes an interest in our child's welfare. That is what they are up against.

Sigh
I just wouldn't want angrypants, who is obviously a very caring mother, to be thought of as difficult to deal with by the agencies that work with schools.

Which is why MorrisZapp I tend to take the line of least resistance. They are there to do a job. Let them get on with it. Smile and don't argue.

Angrypants, you know you are in the right. Don't waste your breath.

cross-posted with you, wotulook. You will see my strategy addresses that.

With an attitude like sigh, small wonder so many decent parents are turned off working with such agencies.

Well said MorrisZapp.

I have to say I don't agreethat this is the situation here at all.

Op has said
"This woman has brought back bad memories of an over bearing HV 4 years ago before DS was diagnosed who made me feel somehow to blame for DSs SN.

This woman knows about this and think she has been highly in sensitive.

I opened up to her about this and thought she understood.
Wish I had'nt agreed her to help now and beared my soul as know she seems to be using this againest me.

Making me out to being an over protective mother,which I may be guilty of but in the circumstances re my son and what I have had to deal with the past 4 years is understandable. "

So this person is aware of the OP's history and should be aware that OP is caring person who has fought to support her SN child. It makes her veiled comments about the absence being suspcious all the worse IMO.

It is also not a case that SS and support staff can't win. It highlights the problem. This individual is creating a problem that does not exist when the paperwork and background provide clear evidence that the OP is an attentive caring parent. She is in fact wasting time that could be put to really positive use.

It is like the HV who spent ages trying to get me to accept her visits that i did not want and did not need while my friend who had huge PND couldn't seem to get any support.

Tick box support helps no one.

I sometimes look around at DS2's meeting and wonder who half of the people attending are.

From what my friend describes in dealing with these agencies in relation to her son with SN, toeing the line sometimes means her son just gets pushed from pillar to post and forgotton.

Sometimes you have to fight and fight strongly. She has brought judicial review litigation on more than one occasion. Save your battle for those situations.

Yes, because if you have two sick kids, one of whom has SN and a life to lead, you have nothing better to do spend hours educating and helping some crap busybody

FWIW I am aware that this is a sensitive subject just now and would just stress that I do have huge admiration for the majority of the people actuallu working in this area. I just think that there are some who seem to be over bearing and seem to focus on the wrong issues.
But the drive to increase multi agency communications seems to me ( on the receiving end) to actually muddy the waters sometimes.
And I do sit in a lot of meetings where the agenda is determined by which sections of a form need completeing.
The admin is now driving rather than supporting the process.

I would bet that just about every single effective parent of a child with SN is thought of as 'difficult' It's part of the job description.

She is a silly ignorant cow. Let her come round and see how ill your children are (although what's the betting that the moment she arrives they are running round like loonies not looking ill at all you cuold let them breathe on her and cough on her and let her catch it, see how she feels then.

at mabanana . so true....

op/ id have invited her in, got the kids to sit beside her and cough A LOT, just to make sure she got a good dose of the "non-existant" virus!!!! wicked cackle he he ha ha !!!

I feel she knows in the past I have been less than confident and probably thinks I need "parenting courses".

But after 4 years dealing with various professionals ,LEA,clinical psycholigists,Senco,childrens services,school governers,doctors,speech therapists, HV's,etc I have had to become more forthright and confident.

pagwatch-At this meeting there was not one person who had expertise in dealing with DS's SN and when I dare to asked if that was possile it all came down to funding.
Al I know about DS's issues I have learnt from boks,the internet and other parents on online forums.

I have "let people in" in the past only to find that they used my insercurties againest me.

blueshoes-my DH is always saying that some people are in their jobs just to tick boxes but I take the view that I must believe some people are in their jobs because they truly care.
In my experince we have had 2 people involved with DS who I truly believed where here to help,unfortunatly one retired and the other had to pass on the case to someone else.
I do sometimes feel it is just another thing to add to my already full plate and serves no purpose to DS.

oh I am sure I have been thought of as difficult by the agencies but you have to be to get heard.

I was told I was 'scary'
My son has a dual dx, a statement, dla and 25+ hours of 1-1. I think that says it all.

Maybe she does think you need help that you don't. That reminds me - nearly everytime I go the the CHildren's Centre near me, they try to get me to sign up for a basic literacy course. Each time I tell them that I am an English teacher, but they mistake my shyness for an inabilty to communicate!

We have a friend who is a Paediatrician. He says the best piece of advice he was ever given was to listen to parents and remember that they know their child better than him.

What is a parent support in relation to the school. Sorry to ask just never heard of this before?

What a stupid woman. Both my children had that 'chesty' virus last week - at the same time - surprise, surprise!.

As for social workers I must say that 4 yrs ago before my DS's dx it was a social worker with the understanding of my sons SN that helped us in a big way.

This awful HV had totally mis read our situation and with no experince mis diagnosed DS and though me somehow to blame.
She refered us to a social worker who after acessing the situation set the wheels in motion and DS got his proper DX.

This HV was all for putting my DS on the at risk register without no knowledge of his SN.

Something I to this day wish I had complained about as you can imagine still holds painful memories for me.

I do wonder if this sort of mis DX happens more often than people let on and how many other parents suffer this.

She did put in her report that I came across as highly intelligent and I was very confident in the meeting.
Well I have had to be.

Just googled Parent Support Advisor as wasnt aware of what this was.

Is it the new pilot scheme started less than a year ago?

Her role as parent support as I understand it is one from an outside agency who assists school in helping parents who may need support in meetings etc.

Something the school has no time or funding for .
So includes home visits etc out of schools time.