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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To expect my parents house to be clean! not tidy but clean!

45 replies

chosenone · 19/11/2008 16:19

I really need to get this off my chest and get some perspective on this if anyone can help? I am going to sound ungrateful here I know it but its really bothering me now I have my own kids...

My children had been at my parents for an hour or so after nursery and when I went to pick them up they were playing on the kitchen floor, it was filty, matches and dirt everywhere! Then I had to chase them upstairs and into my parents bedroom which was literally a dump! Including a bowl of urine by the side of the bed!?! The kitchen hob and oven are never clean and there is always a bag of rubbish on the side overflowing onto the pile of washed pots! They never dust, occasionally hoover and the bathroom can be pretty bad until one of them blitz it, i.e chucks bleach down the loo!!

TBH they've always been similar as a teenager I got comments from friends and was embarassed to take friends back, but my parents have little shame! At xmas they'll give it a once over and it it'll look bright and cheerful but under it is dirty! They're not incapable and although they work part time they do have time . Like I said it was similar when I was young and they were my age

Should I say something? If yes what? My DS 3.3 has already started saying her prefers his other grandparents house, although they seem to really love my dad? anyone? thanks

OP posts:

Dropdeadfred · 19/11/2008 16:22

could you help your mum blitz it properly one day?

trouble is it's THEIR house..their choice

Flynnie · 19/11/2008 16:22

A bowl of urine by the bed?
Sorry I'm stuck on that bit.

stirfry · 19/11/2008 16:23

It their house, its up to them hoe they live.

chequersandchess · 19/11/2008 16:24

I was going to tell you off for going in their bedroom, then got stuck on the same bit as Flynnie.

OonaghBhuna · 19/11/2008 16:24

Since my parents divorced theur houses have been really dirty. So I just dont visit them with the grandchildren they have to come over to my place. It difficult to tell family that there place is dirty but when it comes to risks like matches etc I think you probably could mention it using that as a starting point. It also depends what kind of relationship you have with them.

Ronaldinhio · 19/11/2008 16:24

what about offering to help out or paying for a good spring clean if it matters that much to you

poopscoop · 19/11/2008 16:25

my parents house is a tip too, but its lovely and its homely.

The most welcome house i have ever been in and i wouldnt change a thing. I feel most comfortable when i am there and so does the rest of my family.

twoluvlykids · 19/11/2008 16:25

perhaps you could (jokingly) say you're nominating them for Kim and Aggie's show (is it still made??)

urine by the bed, though?

does one of them have a medical issue??

OonaghBhuna · 19/11/2008 16:26

I agree with other posters, its their house and their choice. That is why my parents come to me because I cant tell them how to live.

Simplysally · 19/11/2008 16:35

They may not notice what it's like if they have lived like that for a long time.

Why not offer to pay for a cleaner to come in once or twice a week "to help them out" or to say thanks for minding your dcs?

pushchair · 19/11/2008 16:36

My MILs house is like this and she asks if DDs can come and stay-which is lovely of her of course but I really dont feel I can let the two younger ones go on their own. At inlaws house there is also medication lying about,broken glass,scissors and sometimes poo on toilet and wall by the loo roll.
Very difficult to say anything in a diplomatic manner though. I just say I think DDs 2 and 3 are too young and then give DD1 strict instructions when she goes. When we go as a family DP or I have to watch youngest like hawks which does not make for a relaxing time. Last time we went I surreptitiously cleaned the grime encrusted TV remote with 3 baby wipes.
Yuck isnt it.

Original poster

chosenone · 19/11/2008 16:39

no medical issues, just laziness i think! fair enough if it was emptied in the morning! I wish it did feel more comfortable but was never comfy there when I realised around 11 that everyone elses house was clean! When I jolke abut Kim and Aggie Mum snaps at me and picks up my cleaning! after I had C section my MIL ran round hoovering and cooking and cleaning, my mum did my shopping and laughed and said I don't clean!

Maybe I 'll go less and my mum will ask why and I'll be honest, yea they can live however they want but no I/ we don't have to be there!! I did clean a lo when I lived with them vbut now? I have 2 pre schoolers, a career and a house of my own! My brother could do it he has time on his hands but he;'s a whole different story!

Thanks

OP posts:

Ripeberry · 19/11/2008 16:43

Sounds like my parents house, but then it's gone really downhill in the last 6yrs due to my mum's Dementia and the fact that my dad hates doing any housework, apart from the stuff he HAS to do.
I've basically stopped going there with the kids as they don't even have enough furniture as my mum keeps destroying soft furnishings as she has incontinence and not to mention dropping lighted cigarettes everywhere.
I also used to offer to help clean but my dad would get really angry about it and say that i was interfering.
After last summer's fiasco with the flea infestation, not sure i want to visit ever again myself .
But my mum can't travel as get panicky and lunges for the steering wheel, even if in the back of the car (not very safe!) and public transport is out of the question.
My dad won't even have home carers in the house to help out.
So what can i do?

Ripeberry · 19/11/2008 16:45

Shosenone, snap! i've got a brother who lives 10 mins walk away from my parents (i'm over 50 miles away) and he could help out, but he won't and he's got plenty of time as he's not had a paid job for 10yrs and he thinks he's living the life of luxury on benefits!
So want to kick him up the arse!

VinegarTits · 19/11/2008 16:46

Call Kim and Aggie

pushchair · 19/11/2008 16:48

Oh Ripeberry sounds awful.
No advice really but on a slightly lighter note-does your dad listen to the Archers? Good storyline atm about wife coping with husband with dementia and realising she needs help.

Pheebe · 19/11/2008 16:54

Clearly this is not something thats new or has changed recently which begs the question why are you so bothered now? Also you say your dd is 3.3 so its not like you recently became a mum and have discovered the need for cleaness.

If you don't like it don't leave your kids there. Their house, their choice.

Ripeberry · 19/11/2008 16:57

Pushchair, my mum listens to the Archers but not sure if she realises it applies to her.
My dad works from home and does not have time to listen or watch anything as she wants him to be at her beck and call all the time.
It got so bad a few months back that he moved some bedding into the loft just to get some sleep where she could not get him!

pingping · 19/11/2008 17:15

Sounds like a friend of mines house I used to babysit and take my own drink and food and blanket for the sofa.

Can you offer any help or are they just lazy? I would have a word for sure.

pingping · 19/11/2008 17:16

PMSL VT at Kath and Aggie

MadMarg · 19/11/2008 17:26

Sounds like there's not a lot you can do. They don't want help from you, and they have lived like this their whole lives. You need to be honest with them - tell them they are welcome to come to your house, but your visits to their house will be kept to a minimum. Your children could catch a serious illness with the germs that are there.
Also be clear about the difference - that you don't mind mess, but that you do mind dirt.

Also, if you are unable to help them or cope with them, how on earth do you think your brother would? Can't figure that out???

Blondeshavemorefun · 19/11/2008 17:33

they have obv been like this forever - poor you as a teenager

but

it is their house and gueess you have to respect their views

be honest and say that dd has said something

and leaving a bowl of pee by bed is disgusting - if you need to go and your parents seem quite capable to walk to bathroom

but if caught short, you EMPTY it

wideratthehips · 19/11/2008 17:58

it sounds a bit grim to be honest, do they socialise and have people round?

if it was my parents and there was no good reason for their house to be like this i would be pissed off re my kids (esp. as they are nursery age) they sound like slovenly students!

if it was my grandparents i would be concerned about their welfare

Mum2OliverJames · 19/11/2008 18:05

My parents house is usually untidy, but not dirty, and i just cant resist the urge to clean it, but as i stay there every weekend i see it as my way of paying for the meals they cook me and DS.

grumblingirl · 19/11/2008 18:18

When I read your thread title I thought you were just being snotty. But...a bowl of wee? A bowl of wee by the bed?

I'm incredulous.

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