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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think that grandparents should want to see their grandchildren more than a couple of hours 2-3 times a year

40 replies

BoffinMum · 15/11/2008 15:14

My parents are in their early 60s, physically fit, and live 2 hours away. My kids are their only grandchildren.

We used to visit them fairly regularly and stay in their huge house, but my mother resented my children allegedly "messing up her house", and eventually had a tantrum about some scatter cushions being repositioned, and the toddler crawling towards the (cold) living flame gas fire and attempting to take a piece of fake coal off it, while I was trying to do our packing in the bedroom upstairs. (At the time my father was in the same room as the toddler, watching a dustbin lorry out the window with interest, but ignoring the toddler). She said I should have been watching the toddler at all times, as I was its mother.

They have a standing invitation to come over here, but this resulted in one occasion when my mother took offence at something negligible the children did while I was at work. Neither I or my father really understand what it was (he was there at the time, but didn't think they were doing anything usual or wrong). I came home to find her with a face like thunder and her arms folded, sitting at the kitchen table, demanding to be taken home by my father, as she had "had enough of it all".

They now see the children for lunch at our house 2 or 3 times a year, leaving after a couple of hours to go to the garden centre and drive home. When they are here, they mainly talk to us rather than the children. They spend their Christmases with childless couples or on holiday overseas.

I am a bit perplexed by the whole situation as my FIL is in his 80s and yet spends a lot more time with his grandchildren, doing the school run, taking them out and so on. He really enjoys their company and they are good as gold with him. The children find it all a bit hurtful and keep asking what they have done wrong. DH finds it totally baffling and is quite cross about it.

I can only assume my mother is being a bit of a self-centred toddler herself, yet has lost the knack of being with younger people.

OP posts:

Lauriefairycake · 15/11/2008 15:21

your last sentence sums it up - she has lost the knack (put kindly) or she's not interested

Thankfully you have others who are interested

her loss....

KatieMorag · 15/11/2008 15:24

i dont think they like children. or at least small children

its understdable that you are hurt but i dont think you can change them. just need to accept it and be pleased about the great grandpa they have

Original poster

BoffinMum · 15/11/2008 15:25

Too true. But I just wish it was my FIL who was in his 60s and not the other way around ...

OP posts:

cantpickyourfamily · 15/11/2008 15:28

they sound like horrible old people, even tho they are not that old. I think you dc's are better off without them. They don't seem to enjoy being around your dc's and it is them who are missing out as it sounds like they get loads of love from your dh's dad.

YANBU to expect them to show an interst in your dc's....

Callisto · 15/11/2008 15:31

Why do they have to enjoy small children just because they are grandparents?

Original poster

BoffinMum · 15/11/2008 15:34

Very interesting one, Callisto, I suppose I could worry less about this and think along the lines of not enjoying them just because they are my parents! New mindset! Problem solved!

OP posts:

mygreatauntgriselda · 15/11/2008 15:48

Boffin

YANBU - I have parents who have the same complete lack of interest in my children (their grand children) and I understand how hurtful it is, both to you and to you DCs

kerala · 15/11/2008 15:58

Try not to dwell on it or let it get to you (hard I know and I need to take my own advice). Enjoy your own family and the pleasure they give the other GPs. It really is their loss.

Your parents sound like my ILs. I asked them for minimal help when dd2 was born and they turned me down flat. They did turn up to stay for the weeekend the day after I left hospital with a prem newborn I was struggling to establish breastfeeding but they didnt help or even bring food with them. In fact they were put out that I hadnt made them lunch

TheCrackFox · 15/11/2008 17:07

YANBU. Some people are knob ends and that includes, sometimes, close relations.

If they are not interested then there is not a lot you can do about it. However, feel free to remind them when you are choosing the old folks home for them.

motherinferior · 15/11/2008 17:12

I think it is unreasonable to think they 'should' want to see them. I also see that it would be nice if they did want to see them; but you can't make people feel affection. Sorry.

FWIW my paternal grandparents were quite similar, resulting in at least one Christmas visit where my grandmother went out leaving us a note telling us to go home. Silly twerps.

I cannot say this has warped me for life, though.

hifi · 15/11/2008 17:54

mil is like this. i heard from dh secratary on fri that she has heard her say to dh i dont want to babysit, take dd out etc.

themoon66 · 15/11/2008 17:57

Agree with Callisto's post of 15.31

You are being a teeny bit unreasonable. I suspect I may be that type of GP when my time comes.

DoubleBluff · 15/11/2008 18:03

My ILs are a bit like this. They would rather watch countdon than take their granchildren out to the park.

newgirl · 15/11/2008 18:04

it is sad though try to keep everything friendly as they may be fantastic when the kids are older

tribpot · 15/11/2008 18:16

You can't make people want to be active grandparents, it's their choice isn't it? (okay the face-like-thunder, demanding to be taken home thing is a bit OTT).

Sounds like they've done their children bit and have moved on. At least they don't want you and the gc around as trophy family to show off to their friends; a friend of mine's mum is like this and after one big family weekend has emailed the mothers of the various gc accusing them (the kids) of "maliciously" taking photos with her digital camera - eh? Maliciously?

Must be weird to have completely forgotten what it's like to be a parent. Did they have help from their parents?

I can understand it's upsetting for you, but it sounds like you don't have much option but to expect nothing from them and see them occasionally out of courtesy. If it's upsetting the kids, don't invite them over.

ShoppingBags · 15/11/2008 18:24

YANBU, Boffin. My MIL is exactly the same. Visits once a year and after the first minute in the house ignores the DC for the rest of the fortnight. Has never taken them anywhere. I personally think that she's missing out on a lot and her life is sad and empty. Agree with TCF- people who behave like that are selfish knob ends and deserve infrequent visits when they're in rest homes.

lucykate · 15/11/2008 18:26

yanbu, yes grandparents should see their grandchilden more, some don't though, my dad has seen my dc's twice in the last 4 years.

taipo · 15/11/2008 18:40

I think that's sad but agree there's probably not much you can do to change them.

My mum is sometimes a bit like this (but better at hiding it than your mother). I am hoping she will want to spend more time with the dc as they get older. I think she was better with me and my sister when we were teenagers. My dad on the other hand was hopeless when we were older but great when we were small as he is basically a big kid himself.

sunnygirl1412 · 15/11/2008 18:48

It may be that your parents are like my mum - who admitted very honestly that she really didn't get on with little children, but really enjoys their company now they are older. She said she felt the same way about my dsis and myself - she found us far more interesting when we could have proper conversations with her.

I've never felt upset by this - it's just the sort of person she is, and now she really enjoys spending time with the boys. She's also the only one of their grandparents whose ever written to them after a visit, to tell them how much she enjoyed their company, and to thank the boy who gave up their room to her.

So stick with it, Boffinmum, and maybe they'll come good.

Original poster

BoffinMum · 15/11/2008 19:00

Thanks everyone for all your thoughts. I am now very glad I posted, and I enjoyed reading the range of opinions. I had not realised how widespread this sort of thing was.

I think I shall just promise myself to be a happy GP and enjoy my own grandchildren. If they're not interested then so be it.

OP posts:

ShoppingBags · 15/11/2008 19:06

Agree, Boffin, it's made me realise that I will never be thoughtless/selfish with my DGC and will consider their needs before always automatically putting my own first. GP's shouldn't feel obliged to be hands on all the time but ignoring them for 99% of the time isn't the action of a kind, considerate, decent human being IMO.

artichokes · 15/11/2008 19:17

What were you parents like when you were little Boffin? Did they seem to enjoy playing with you and family days out etc? Or were they from the "children should be seen and not heard school"?

Also do you have siblings with kids? If so how much interest do they show in those kids?

I am just exploring whether its personal or part of an established pattern.

Original poster

BoffinMum · 15/11/2008 19:36

A very interesting question, artichokes. Where do I start?

My parents were quite young when they had us. My dad played with us a lot and seemed to enjoy taking us out and playing football with us in the back garden, that sort of thing. However I realised recently that nearly all the memories I have of my mother from when I was a child involve her seeming impatient and cross, with me feeling worried I had done something wrong but not sure quite what it was most of the time. She used to hit me on the head with a comb or on the back of the legs a lot, which sounds really horrid, but which was probably more common in the 1970s than it would be now. She also used to rant loudly for 10-20 minutes regularly about how awful I was to the rest of the family, which probably wasn't common then and never has been.

We were physically well cared for, beautifully dressed, and she was excellent at making sure we got a good education, good healthcare and so on. She spent hours of her life taking me to dance classes and waiting for me there. She was also good at standing up for us when necessary. But I am not convinced she actually liked me. She liked my brother more, and that was very obvious.

My GPs all noticed this and fortunately compensated a bit, because they thought it was unfair, as they told me later in life. This was very good and probably helped me grow up properly.

Ooh, it's like therapy this.

I think my mum probably just doesn't like people competing for attention with her. She also said once that I would never cuddle her when I was little, but would just wriggle off her lap. I think she held this against me a bit.

OP posts:

Original poster

BoffinMum · 15/11/2008 19:39

PS My brother doesn't have kids and lives overseas. He has no interest in his nephews and nieces either.

OP posts:

asdmumandteacher · 15/11/2008 19:39

Doublebluff - am so with you on that one

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