to think that grandparents should want to see their grandchildren more than a couple of hours 2-3 times a year

[BoffinMum]

My parents are in their early 60s, physically fit, and live 2 hours away. My kids are their only grandchildren.

We used to visit them fairly regularly and stay in their huge house, but my mother resented my children allegedly "messing up her house", and eventually had a tantrum about some scatter cushions being repositioned, and the toddler crawling towards the (cold) living flame gas fire and attempting to take a piece of fake coal off it, while I was trying to do our packing in the bedroom upstairs. (At the time my father was in the same room as the toddler, watching a dustbin lorry out the window with interest, but ignoring the toddler). She said I should have been watching the toddler at all times, as I was its mother.

They have a standing invitation to come over here, but this resulted in one occasion when my mother took offence at something negligible the children did while I was at work. Neither I or my father really understand what it was (he was there at the time, but didn't think they were doing anything usual or wrong). I came home to find her with a face like thunder and her arms folded, sitting at the kitchen table, demanding to be taken home by my father, as she had "had enough of it all".

They now see the children for lunch at our house 2 or 3 times a year, leaving after a couple of hours to go to the garden centre and drive home. When they are here, they mainly talk to us rather than the children. They spend their Christmases with childless couples or on holiday overseas.

I am a bit perplexed by the whole situation as my FIL is in his 80s and yet spends a lot more time with his grandchildren, doing the school run, taking them out and so on. He really enjoys their company and they are good as gold with him. The children find it all a bit hurtful and keep asking what they have done wrong. DH finds it totally baffling and is quite cross about it.

I can only assume my mother is being a bit of a self-centred toddler herself, yet has lost the knack of being with younger people.

Boffinmum at your mum's maternal instincts. Sounds a bit like my mum who had a rotten relationship with her mum . Your dc are having a very different childhood

Also love the sound of your fil

FIL is truly great, and very popular at the school gate with the other mums too! He is a real gentleman.

I do count my blessings, but as I said before, he is in his 80s now. DC will miss him so much when he is gone.

My MIL and FIL could be your parents, boffinmum. They are in Germany, so visit rarely anyway. But when they do come, they act as if it is painful and tiresome to be with their two grand daughters, who are both still quite little (2.5 and 6.5mths). Sooner or later, MIL will always storm out of the house saying she can't stand it any longer and needs some peace and quiet on her own. I have yet to point out to her that she gets this for the 345+ days a year when she is not with us.

By all accounts, they were pretty crap parents to DH and his sister. They firmly believed that children should be seen and not heard, and DH says that as a child, he always felt like a "second class citizen" in the household and a bit of an inconvenience.

Fortunately, my parents are still in their 60s and are fantastic grandparents, and DD1 loves her granny to bits. They also live in the UK, so we see them more often. I'm sorry boffin that it is your parents that are like this - I would be pretty upset if the situation was reversed in our family.

Agree with Baltimore - must be a difficult situation if your parents are like this

Disappointing - yes
Hurtful - yes
Unusual - no

Grandchildren are not important in their lives - I bhonestly sympathise but for your own sake come to terms with this and move on.

It sounds like a sad situation, but if they are that fractious and annoying around your children, then I don't think the children are really missing much. It's your parents' loss.

My paternal grandmother was like this as well. For the whole twenty-two years we shared the Earth, I never once stayed at her house or went with her anywhere that my parents weren't anyway. It wasn't a great loss for me because she was no fun to be around at all, but I do feel for my Dad now, as her behaviour did upset him.

Baltimore, my mum is actually German! Perhaps it's a German thing?

But then 2 of my GPs were obviously German, but they were nice to me. However only for 3 weeks a year when we were over there, it must be admitted.

Well I know that DH's relationship with his grandparents was also rather rubbish. But then they all died in their 60s and one of his grandfathers was an alcoholic.

I do think that there are cultural differences in parenting, however. DH and his mum are much more "clinical" and analytical in their approach - they seem to maintain an emotional distance from the whole enterprise that neither I, nor my mum, nor the other mums I know around here, have.

Would be interested to know if you feel the same.

Not nice for Mr Baltimore.

In response to your question, absolutely not. My children spend half their lives on my knee being kissed and cuddled. (The ten year old is starting to object a bit!) I think children are really fascinating and curious creatures, at all ages. As are grown ups, actually.

My mum likes babies and is affectionate enough then, but I think she goes off them once they are old enough to stand up to her, and start answering back with their own opinions!

Boffin, I wasn't implying that you were a cold fish!! Sorry if you got that impression.

I think it is just down to personality. My MIL doesn't like small babies and toddlers - she finds them dull and tiresome. I think she may actually warm to the DDs when they are a bit older.

No. I didn't think for a moment you were, Balti.

I think self-discipline has a lot to do with it too. If nobody brings these people into line they get more and more self-orientated. that would be fine, but eventually it loses them so many relationships.

We go on about this endlessly on here dont we, but i think that it just shows how upsetting and hurtful it is to us all.
It is very very common and there are always loads of replies from people who have the very same thing with thier parents or ils.

Mine are the same, both my parents and the ils, we dont see or hear from them from month to month...unless there is something wrong with their cars...then they come for dh to have a look or fix.

Makes me angry and very very disapointed in them all.

twunts.

Will we all be better GPs then, do you think?