to not want to carry on living with my inlaws?!

[livingwiththeinlaws]

This is basically a general rant but its been building up and i really need to let it out! .i know this might seem selfish but i dont think i can take it anymore.
we got into trouble financially about 3 years ago. We decided to rent out our house and move in with my inlaws about 4 months ago. they have a big house and my MIL wanted us to stay. my FIL wasnt so keen as he said it was a shame on the family that we couldnt look after ourselves.
its really dificult because my BIL lives here as well. Nobody does anything as they feel that as the only one at home i should. they are very traditional and believe that i should make their food and tidy up. Im so upset as my husband works long hours and we have 4 boys aged 1-7
The thing is the tables have turned and they have just told us that they are actually in a worse situation than us. they are both due to retire this year and still have a mortgage and cant afford to pay it without us. My husband and I are hoping to have paid off most of our bills by the summer except his ccj which is stopping us getting another house. My MIL might be getting made redundant and wants to use the money as a deposit on another house and live with us. I know that she is trying to help as she knows not having a deposit and the ccj is stopping us. we dont want to live in the area we are in know as we have 4 boys and its not a good area.
the problem is i never used to get on with them and cant imagine living with them for the rest of their lives.
i know im being selfish, unreasonable, ungrateful but I dont know whether I will be able to cope with the nagging!
im finding it hard to sleep and shouting at my kids. I like the company but miss having my own space. I dont know how to make this work for all of us. If I say no I will miss out on getting my dreamhouse in a lovely area and round the clock childcare so I can go back to work and go out.
If I say yes i miss out on having my own space and risk getting nagged to death!
if your still here after reading this long rant, thankyou.I feel a bit better

YANBU - live with in-laws out of necessity but what a sweeping assumption of your MIL that she can end her days with you!

We're in a similar situation. House on market and was going to move in with In-laws but they let us down so that's not going to happen. Anyway, if I were you I'd write a long list of pros and cons to each scenario then make a decision. Listen to your gut instinct, involve your DH then go for it and be happy!

but how on earth can i tell them that i dont want to do it! once they retire they wont be able to afford the bills by themselves and we havent got a deposit and cant get a mortgage because of the ccj. i suppose there are more pros than cons as she says I can choose a house wherever i want. Shes even said she will lend us the money for the ccj. BUT living with her for the rest of her life will do me in! (shes only 55).

Its not how things would be in an ideal world but it doesnt sound as though you have a lot of choice at the moment to be honest.

You were in trouble and your in laws have put you up for 3 years. Now they are in trouble and its not presumptious of them to assume that you will put the up in return.

Also factoring in that you will get a btter house, better area, free childcare and babysitter on tap shows that there are loads of pros for you guys.
Just try to find ways to work round the cons - perhaps look for a place with 2 bathrooms or 2 living areas so that you can define your own space a bit more?

Sounds like your PIL have a huge house if you and your family and your BIL can live with them. For them the practical solution would be to put their house on the market and find a smaller one to reduce their outgoings and maybe pay off the mortgage.
Personally I'd set a deadline for your family moving out. Pay off your debts, give yourself a couple of months to build up a deposit and go. And make it clear to them that you are doing this so they can plan their lives accordingly.
I also wonder what your BIL is contributing to the pot - and how much he's contributed in the past. Surely he's got an important role to assume now too. It shouldn't all be down to you. With 4 kids it sounds like you have enough on your plate.
I would go for that freedom any day. Who cares what kind of house you live in as long as you're happy. (And you can't make others happy unless you are.) And who knows what the future may bring for you all anyway. Your PIL have helped you out massively and one day maybe you'll be in the position to help them back, but for now you need to be selfish and get back on your own feet as you originally planned.

Would you be able to afford a place with a 'granny flat' or at least somewhere that you could give them a sitting room to themselves?

Their lack of retirement planning isn't your fault! If they can't pay their mortgage one would question why on earth it was sold to them in the first place? Leaving that aside though you just need to say simply and firmly that you've appreciated their help but you both have to stand on your own feet as you are two seperate family units. When they retire they will need to move to a smaller house and of couse at that point you and your brood will decamp to a house of your own. You can't have your dreamhouse right now because you can't afford it - either in terms of money or the emotional wear and tear of having the older generation living with you.

Can you get somewhere together where there is self-contained accommodation?

It just sounds so mean to me.

You were in financial trouble and couldnt afford to live on your own and your in laws stepped in and let you live with them probably at financial and emotional cost to them.

They now confide in you that they are in financial trouble and cant afford to live on their own. MIL is offering up free childcare and all sorts in return for a helping hand.

I cant believe so many people saying you should tell them its their own fault they are in a mess with the mortgage and its their tough luck.

Arent families supposed to help each other out?? BOTH ways?

You've only been there 4 months? Had you been there years and years then I could understand what people are saying about you recipricating - but you are only there temporarily and for a short time so I think it's out of order for them to be planning the rest of their lives around you based upon you having been there 4 months!
Nip it in the bud now I say. Could you go back to your own house?

I would not want to carry on living with them (unless you can afford to buy an enormous house with separate areas). I don't think it is healthy. You need your space.

However, they have helped you out. Are you able to sit down with them and try and help them sort out their situation ie could they sell their house and buy a little flat?

Weve only been living with them for 4 months and was hoping to get out within a year. BIL pays £150 a month!Doesnt do anything much when hes in. I know their retirement plans is their fault but try saying that to my husband! he is the oldest. place with seperate spaces is a great idea. They still have other debts to pay off and have refused to rent. I can see the long term benefits of being able to get another house now especially as I would never have to move again. the biggest problem is that my husband loves his mum! He knows shes a pain but obviously wants
to look after them. His parents arent in the perfect health and need to retire asap really. They are causing more stress for themselves both working full time.
They where advised not to sell the house as their is no equity in it. they would make more money from renting it out.

There's helping people out - which is what they have done for you and then theres handing over your life to somebody - which is what they seem to want you to do!

How on earth did two people near retirement age borrow so much for a house so big that they have no equity at all That sounds pretty dubious to me and I wouldn't want to have anything to do with it. If they are living with you and have a crap credit rating it is only going to make it harder for you and dh to get a clean slate. If he's adament you have to do it then I suppose you're stuck - but I would be very unhappy about it tbh.

Sorry, I mis-read. Thought you had been there 3 years! I also didnt realise that they could afford to rent but just didnt want to..

In that case I'd do it with clear conditions that you will have seperate living rooms and bathrooms etc

or make it clear you cant do it long term but that they could stay with you short term till they get somewhere else sorted.

If they can't afford to retire why would they retire?

Oops, sorry - didn't see they had health issues.

Run for your life and don't look back. My DH had this set up in his childhood. Lived with grandmother, grandfather and maiden aunt. Scarred him for life. I think it was money problems keeping his parents there (and his father was/is a weak man). Even his mother admitted if she had her life again she would've done it.

Sell the big house and pay off the mortgage - if it's big enough to hold:

2 x grandparents
Bil
OP & Husband
4 children

It must have at least 4 bedrooms (and that's if all the children are in one room!)

With a smaller house, they may not need a mortgage and then, won't need to rely on you.

I know it would cause me alot of stress if we did go ahead. also they have bills that still need to be paid off. I have suggested that they use whatever money they can to pay off their debts. their original plan was for us to have their house with a £250 grand mortgage for us to pay off. this isnt giving someone a house but rather giving them a debt! i think the best thing to do would be to rent a place but my mil thinks it is terrible to rent. to me its better if not the same as a mortgage if you are paying interest only like them.
still dont know what to do

They've helped you out for a few months; you don't owe them turning your own living arrangements upside down for life. I haven't read the whole thread, but I wonder if you can move somewhere with a granny annexe or similar? You'd need your own separate spaces. This is the only set-up I'd consider in your situation.

I'm in the opposite position of trying to persuade my parents to move in with me, but they're not sufficiently interested (yet!).

Good luck.

thanks for all your advice
ive had a really bad day today, my husbands been working all day and i have been stuck in with the kids all day. my youngest is teething and i finally got him to sleep when my FiL called me. had to wake up youngest to get up then all he said to me was look at this mess. had only just sat down to do stuff after spending the day cleaning the kitchen and cooking everyones lunch. my husband didnt get in until 8.30 by which point i was in tears. BIL has been in bed all day watching tv and refused to keep an eye out on the kids while I had a rest.
I dont see the positive points for me if Im doing everything
just sat down when FIL called me to put his washing on.
Ive worked out that we can afford our own place if I go back to work 2 days a week. But I dont know how they will work this out. One things for sure...I need to get out of here!

I think you need to separate out some of the problems that have become conflated and deal with them one at a time in order of priority.

1. Your needs. You do not need to be treated as an unpaid servant for an entire extended family. I'm not sure if there is a cultural/religious thing going on here, why should there be any kind of expectation that you should do your FIL's washing?

1. Your money problems. You need to sort out the issue with money. Could you manage to afford paid childcare if you worked 3 days a week for example? This might bring in enough money to pay for the childcare. Could you move back into your old house once you've got the immediate cash crisis solved?

1. Your PIL's financial issues. DO NOT TAKE OWNERSHIP OF THIS PROBLEM. IT IS NOT YOUR PROBLEM. LEAVE IT WELL ALONE/

There is a cultural and religious thing going on. they believe that when you marry into a family you do everything not just for your husband but for all his family. I was brought up in a white middle class household and everybody did everything for each other so it has been very difficult especially when we first got married.
I would rather do 2 days but i could afford childcare on that.
we cant move back into our oldhouse as part of the reason we moved was that my husband got a new job in a different area.
My brother in law has decided to get his own place.
1 down 2 to go!