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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect my brother to grow up and stop scrimping off my parents.

31 replies

horseshoe · 13/11/2008 20:14

So it's mostly their fault....they let him get away with it. But he's 26yrs old. Never had a proper job. Now works 4 days a week. Mum and Dad pay for everything. If I pop round for a takeaway, it is split in half. Me and kids pay ours. Mum pays hers,dads and brothers.

He constantly claims he's skint (pays them no rent) yet asked me to pay a bill for him and gave me a statement for details and had over £6000 in there.

My BIG problem is his attitude with it. He has no life/no girlfriend and has become a mini version og my victor meldrew dad. He has even thrown me out of the family home when he was in a mood once. I spoke to my parents but they cant see an issue. At 26yrs I think they should at least give him some knowledge of how hard life is.

I am getting increasingly annoyed, they want to retire but cant afford it. It is putting a big wedge between me and my parents as I dont feel I can pop round there anymore without pre-booking (He makes comments when we turn up so I just dont bother).

AIBU

OP posts:
Fillyjonk · 13/11/2008 20:21

oh god you have my brother. I am serious. except mine is 27

does yours give you advice on child rearing also?

Original poster
horseshoe · 13/11/2008 20:25

Yes he does. comments like "if they were mine"..... I think "you have no idea"

he hasn't even worked out how to make kids yet.

OP posts:
BroccoliSpears · 13/11/2008 20:25

I have a feckless younger brother too, in much the same mold. When my parents finally kicked him out her moved in with our granny, and was quite cheerful about living with a pensioner rent free, not contributing to bills, taking handouts to go down the pub...

The good news is that he did eventually move out. I spoke to him recently and mentioned that I was finding it hard being on my own with 2 kids and having to do everything by myself. "Welcome to my world" he says, shirtily.

TeenyTinyTorya · 13/11/2008 20:28

I have a younger sister who has moved out countless times, and when she moves back in, wants my mum to do everything for her. She has a violent temper, so mum does things for a quiet life. Like picking up her dirty laundry from the bathroom floor, cooking her a snack when she comes in, cleaning sick off her shoes after a night out, making her bed, etc etc. She is 20 ffs! I sympathise.

lulumama · 13/11/2008 20:29

your parents are choosing to help him

choosing to fork out and enabling him to carry on like this

nothing wrong with parents helping out occasionally, my dad very sweetly paid for me to have some big repairs on my car last year, but if i was asking every week, i;d get short shrift

it must be sooooo frustrating, but at some level you have to accept your parents are choosing to do this

can you arrange a time to talk together, calmly, with your DH backin you up? make more of the fact you feel unwelcome and unable to spend time with your own parents, rather than focusing solely on teh money iussue?

mrsruffallo · 13/11/2008 20:30

I think YABU.
Your parents can't see an issue and he is happy living there- I don't see the problem.
You have chosen your lifestyle and he his from what I can tell- 26 is young, it doesn't make him a failure that he hasn't settled down yet and it is very hard to buy ion your own these days.

lilymolly · 13/11/2008 20:34

YANBU

My brother still lives at home, works away 2 weeks a month, then comes home, snorts cocaine and pisses his money away Oh and then steals from my parents

Oh but they just let him get on with it

Still que sera its up to them

Pisses me off though

frecklyspeckly · 13/11/2008 20:42

YANBU.My brother is the same but he is 36 and him and his freeloading wife expect my parents to pay for everything and raise his kids which my mum and dad happily do for them. In short it has caused a huge family rift to the point we barely see or speak to any of them anymore. I resent mum and dads willingness to hold their hand through life as much as I hate him doing it to them. Do not let it affect your relationship with your mum and dad. Its very tough.

Original poster
horseshoe · 13/11/2008 21:21

I dont have a problem with his life choices or my parents, but at least respect everyone else and be grateful for what they give him is all I ask. He sees them struggling and claims he's skint. I do think it is their fault for making him that way and allowing him to get away with it.

OP posts:
unaccomplishedDEPRESSEDmummy · 13/11/2008 21:56

Yanbu but my parents help me and my sister out all the time (financially). And it's rare we'll pay them back. But I'm married with 3 kids and haven't lived at home since I was 16. My sister has moved down south and is doing her teacher training. Without oour parents help we probably wouldn't be able to keep afloat, but it works both ways. I'd help either of my parents out in a heartbeat when I can. I think that is just the way families work.

Fillyjonk · 14/11/2008 07:55

it is interesting to hear all this

my trouble is that I do RESENT it

I pretty much never see my dad-and my kids never see their grandad-without him, and we just do not get on, tbh, largely because he is a cossetted tory-boy.

It is so tricky. I am 31, I feel I should not really care that he gets constant handouts, lives rent free, etc etc. But I DO. It pisses me off too that I can't take my kids down to see their grandparents because he is living there. Aaaargh.

OTOH their life, etc etc.

And what it comes down to is that because I have shown myself time and time again to be capable - I mean, at his age I was married with 2 kids and a job, fgs! so I am just expected to get on with it.

The trouble is, however I slice it, I do resent it. Perhpas I shouldn't, but I DO.

Fillyjonk · 14/11/2008 07:57

(oh and the reason I can't take my kids to see my parents is space-he has the spare room and the flat is so tiny that there would be literally nowhere for us to stay.)

needmorecoffee · 14/11/2008 08:01

my sister sponged off my mum till she was 36. Never cooked a meal in her life.
Now she's had to get a job and man, does she complain that its 'hard'.

hecate · 14/11/2008 08:09

tell your parents how you feel.

what's the worst that could happen and in what way would it be worse than how you feel now and how things are now?

Because the absolute worst that could happen is you stop speaking (probably just for a bit, families do tend to make up, I have noticed! No matter what's gone on!) but the thing is - you feel so bad/cross/resentful now that how could that be worse?

These things sour you. (unexpressed resentments I mean) They change you as a person - and not for the better - they consume you and make you bitter and trust me, that's not nice for your family!

So I would advise just biting the bullet and telling your parents exactly how you feel, whether your feelings are unreasonable or not, they ARE your feelings and not expressing them will, over time, cause more harm to your relationship than being honest.

SecondhandRose · 14/11/2008 08:14

Can you invite your parents to yours instead? The love between a parent and child is so strong that they obviously feel the need to still help him. Whereas the love I have for my brothers is about zero. One is mentally ill but my Mum is still in denial and he is 44.

Lilybeto · 14/11/2008 09:29

This sounds like my older brother. He is 28. Drives me absolutely mad. My parents really aren't that well off. My dad is having such trouble right now as he is a builder and the industry seems to be collapsing. My brother has never paid a penny of rent but sits in his room playing x-box on his giant tv or going on his new laptop. I actually hate him for this.

ohdearwhatamess · 14/11/2008 09:47

You could be talking about my brother. He is 35 and has barely worked since leaving art college (at 21 years). He's done (very) occasional temporary work at the university (invigilating for exams). He only got into that because my father was working there at the time and basically handed him the job on a plate.

He pays no rent, even on the rare occasions when he is earning money. He takes my parents out for a meal now and again and I never hear the end of it - 'what a lovely generous son', 'how thoughtful and kind' etc. He doesn't do anything in the house - my mother wouldn't let him anyway, but he doesn't offer at all.

He won't apply for jobs on the grounds that he won't get them so there's no point. He won't sign on for unemployment benefit (or whatever it is called) because they'll make him do a restart programme and he doesn't want to.

He lives the life of a 10 year old (albeit with no friends). He does next to nothing and goes nowhere. He seems to have no understanding that this is a bit odd.

My father doesn't approve at all, but my mother (a very domineering woman) seems to like having this man-child who is dependent on her, and what she says goes.

I cannot imagine what he'll do when my parents die. I've tried to speak to him about this on several occasions and cannot get through to him at all.

AnnVan · 14/11/2008 10:31

Oh I know how this feels - My younger brother still lives with my parents. Until recently he was exactly the same - paying no rent, doing drugs, just sponging. I worried what would happen when my parents die, as I don't want to have him sponge off me when they're no longer there to support him. He has recently taken his first job, and hopefully he will eventually move out etc, but at least he' made the beginnings of a change by actually working!

Ladyface · 14/11/2008 15:28

My brother is the same. He has a job but works nights and this is basically his excuse to opt out of all family life. He missed my wedding, the funerals of both my grandmothers and on becoming an uncle I had to take my dd to him as he could not get off his arse to see me. He lives rent free in a flat my parents bought that was meant to be rented out as a retirement income for them.

He never goes out, apart from work and spends his evening getting drunk and stoned with a couple of friends. He is 32 now and I just feel sorry that he is missing out on life. He has never been abroad or had a relationship (that i know of anyway). Sad really but you can't force someone to change.

Lauriefairycake · 14/11/2008 15:38

This thread is very depressing - feel really sorry for these men, half of them sound depressed.

You should all be bloody grateful you have a handle on life and cope so well - pity them cos they are the most at risk from suicide.

OrmIrian · 14/11/2008 15:50

I'm afraid that, irritating as you find it, it is down to your parents. It might be good for them all to kick him into touch but it has to be their decision. You could perhaps mention the difficulties it causes you - but do it gently, don't be annoyed about it.

My DB stayed at home for about a year after he left college. Was thoroughly miserable. I can only assume that it becomes a habit because it's easy in the early days, and then it's very hard to break. I would feel sorry for him TBH as Laurie says.

OrmIrian · 14/11/2008 15:50

I'm afraid that, irritating as you find it, it is down to your parents. It might be good for them all to kick him into touch but it has to be their decision. You could perhaps mention the difficulties it causes you - but do it gently, don't be annoyed about it.

My DB stayed at home for about a year after he left college. Was thoroughly miserable. I can only assume that it becomes a habit because it's easy in the early days, and then it's very hard to break. I would feel sorry for him TBH as Laurie says.

vjg13 · 14/11/2008 16:13

My brother was ill but is now recovered, lives at home for free and cannot work (in case he gets ill again!!!). When my Mum was having a heart attack he couldn't go in the ambulance because it was 'stressful' so she went alone. He is 39 !!

crokky · 14/11/2008 16:25

My 28 year old brother lives with my mum. I think it's fine. He does pay money, not market rate etc, but enough so that the bills can be paid etc. He also works FT and is studying for a qualification. Could you invite your parents to stay with you instead? How would you feel if it was your own son - I'd never throw my son out (he's 2 actually, but beside the point!). Do you think he likes not havinng a girlfriend? My brother would be thrilled to have someone to love - he doesn't have a gf either. I'd try and forget about it if I was you.

totalmisfit · 14/11/2008 16:25

my brother is 24 and the same. He had a girlfriend. She outgrew him, he's unable to move on/move out/stop substance abuse/hold down a job. My parents have tried getting tough but it never goes far enough

Is it just my imagination or is there a whole generation of men in their 20s and 30s who are like this?

it's a worrying trend, i think.