to think that any child i adopt will be my child

[babybunting1]

i have changed my name.
this is more of a rant than a question to be honest.

i have recently been told that without an operation i wont be able to have children naturally, and even with the oporation, its not definate. i love kids and have always wanted them, so after months of crying, me and dh have decided to adopt.
we told my mum months ago, as she i have an adopted brother, and she has been really supportive, and positive, pointing me in the right direction, helping me get my house ready and just generally being there for me, like any mothre is.
we told my mil last night, and she said (and i quote) you are going to keep trying for your own children arent you, otherwise were never going to have any grnd children.
i was compleatly shocked at this, and really hurt.
i tried to explain camly that any child that we adopt would be her grandchild and she came back with, well they wont be our real grandchild. my dh promptly announced we would be leaving (to prevent her being hurt!)

more than anything i would want my children to be accepted by their grandparents and all the extended family.
am i being unreasonable to expect this?

YA so NBU
on your behalf.

No. They are. Keep doing what you are doing though, it is a noble thing to do.

no not at all.

No your mil sounds like a right insensitive case! I would have probably slapped her! XXx

Of course YANBU. Let's hope your MIL was just momentarily shocked.

No, you are absolutely NBU. That must have been so hurtful for you. I do hope it all works out and your DH can maybe talk some sense into your MIL. I don't know much about adoption but in my opinion you are completely right, and a child you adopt into your family is...well, in your family!

All the best xx

Give them time to get used to the idea. In the end, of course they'll have to accept it won't they?

YANBU - It makes perfect sense to me!

Saying that, my gran's sister doesn't even acknowledge her daughter's two adopted children and will have nothing to do with them ..

I am sorry that your MIL can't see past her own nose ...

I can see how upset you would feel, you and your dh are feeling fragile and emotional.

Perhaps your MIL needs a bit of time to get used to the idea? My 2 Dcs are adopted. I found initially some family members were a bit nosey about the dcs backgrounds but that soon wore off and now they are both very much ours, especiall as on my side of the family they are the only grandchildren.

well, she was very insensitive, but i think she has blurted out something that i imagine most people would think at some point. There is a sort of emphasis on biological continuity within the granny/grandchild relationship - she looks like uncle derek doesnt she, he does that little chuckle just like our fred. It would have been more polite to say nothing and quietly work through this later.

YANBU to wish that an adopted child would be accepted, and i imagine should it come to pass she will be a decent granny.

YANBU. What an old trout, I would leave her to wallow in her own misery.

I have a friend who adopted, whose MIL reacted like this when first told and was actually against them adopting.

My friend amazingly managed to maintain a relationship with her MIL and by the time their little girl arrived the MIL had 'come around to the idea' and now 8 yrs on she is the most devoted hands on Grandma around, who adores her granduaghter and would 'fight to the death' for her.

So, maybe if your MIL is usually a nice enough, rational women, give her time, keep talking to her about it and she may turn into the doting Granny your future son/daughter will be lucky to have.

I hope her mind was temporarily malfunctioning.

Anyway, I would say that your DH needs to have a chat with her and try to explain that any child you adopt will be her grandchild.

YANBU.

DH is adopted and his grandparents felt the same. CAn't remember on which side though - his Dad is dead so can't ask him.

YANBU.
You have had more time than her to come round to the idea though. I'm sure she'll regret what she said but I can understand it as a gut reaction that perhaps should never be voiced.

BTW having had kids I have realised that you don't fall in love with them just because they are yours in that bonding after birth fallacy that psychologists have you believe. I am sure if I had adopted then those kids would be just as much mine as my biological ones are.

thankyou everyone. i wish i could say it wsa just the shock for her, but i'm not so sure.

What is it with MIL this week? They all seem to be going the way of the witch.

Your MIL is an ARSE...

I was adopted and was very much loved and accepted by ALL my family (well at least I think I was)

I think that she was very insensitive to say that to you. I hope she apologises given time.

Of course they will be "her" grandchildren FGS.

I think your FIL or DP should have a word with her.

YANBU. You have plenty of time to educate her though and explain that comments like that are hurtful to you both and certainly won't be tolerated when your first child arrives. Also that this is not all about her. I'm sure there's lots of articles and leaflets out there you can start issuing her with so even if she really doesn't feel it, she can at least act the part appropriately. Assume you're already on at least one adoption forum?

What an ignorant silly woman she is. You are probably already gutted that you cannot have children naturally and I am sure it upsets you both more than anyone. Adoption is the next best thing and of course they will be YOUR children and you will love them just as much. You are doing a wonderful thing giving a child/children (not sure if you are adopting more than one) a second chance and you sound like you will be a lovely Mum and Dad.
DH needs to have a serious word and if she is still acting like a prick then I would say bollocks to her and get on with your new life and new family.
My husbands best friend and his wife couldn't conceive and they adopted 4 siblings last year. They say it is fantastic, of course some days are difficult but they love their children and can't imagine what life was like without them.

How insensitive nad WRONG. YANBU!

People say all sorts of odd things when they find out you are adopting so brace yourself.

Oddist comment I had was "how selfish"...

it really isn't at all uncommon for people to feel that they could possibly love a child who had been adotped as much as they would love a birth child. You only have to read some of the htreads on MN to realise that.

I beleive the reason for that is that oonce you have children and you realise how much you love them and how differnt it is to anything you have felt before, I think you ssume that you lovbe them becuase they are "your's" because you "made" them etc etc. In fact afetr the intial bonding period You love them becuase of who they are, because they're funny or sweet becasue they need you, because bring your life new meaning and purpose. And for any number of other reasons.

She doesn;t yet understand how its possible bcecause she can;t imagine it.

Be patient with her, be calm and straight forward. Give her the opportunity to be a part of the process and your prospective child.

And if she's still the same at that point chop her off at the knees and never speak to her again.