to think that any child i adopt will be my child

[babybunting1]

i have changed my name.
this is more of a rant than a question to be honest.

i have recently been told that without an operation i wont be able to have children naturally, and even with the oporation, its not definate. i love kids and have always wanted them, so after months of crying, me and dh have decided to adopt.
we told my mum months ago, as she i have an adopted brother, and she has been really supportive, and positive, pointing me in the right direction, helping me get my house ready and just generally being there for me, like any mothre is.
we told my mil last night, and she said (and i quote) you are going to keep trying for your own children arent you, otherwise were never going to have any grnd children.
i was compleatly shocked at this, and really hurt.
i tried to explain camly that any child that we adopt would be her grandchild and she came back with, well they wont be our real grandchild. my dh promptly announced we would be leaving (to prevent her being hurt!)

more than anything i would want my children to be accepted by their grandparents and all the extended family.
am i being unreasonable to expect this?

yanbu but everyone feels differently to one another.
i was adopted and would never feel like i was anything but an undeniabe member of my family, but i have friends who were adopted and very definite about wanting to find their blood-line. so i can see why people wou;d have such strong feelings about blood relations and so forth.
in short she was an insensitive idiot to say it, but i would not call her unreasonable for feeling that way in private.

still though,why open her mouth?

oh and just to set the record staright adopting is not at all noble. I did it for the most selfish of reasons and was most surprised to discover a selfless creature lurkign within (in the same way that most paretns do!)

i'm starting to calm down a bit. and thinking it could be because we didnt tell her sooner, shes a very controlling woman, (sil is 45, still living at home, never had a boyfriend, mil doesnt approve of anyone she likes dh, lived at home till we got married, that was fun!) this could have been her way of 'punnishing' me for her being the last to know, yes she really is like that!
buckets the leaflets thing is a good idea. i will get dh to give them to fil to give to her and talk to her, its always best coming from fil, such a sweet, kind and caring man, i think he was as shocked as we were!

kewcumber i too am adopting for very selfish reasons, but seriously some one actually called you selfish? lol

yes - although I secretly agreed with her, it did make me giggle as its not the normal reaction... in a way I prefer it to the rather pious look and the "Oh how wonderful of you"

my favorite commetn afetr DS came home was from another MN'er who has become a great friend afetr she first met him. She said something along the lines of...

"We've been discussing on MN how lucky he is to be adopted by you but now that I've met him I think you may be the lucky one"

She's right, biggest privilege of my life.

thats so nice. i have this image running through my head of you teling someone you've adopted a little boy, and them saying to you, how selfish to take this lovley little boy out of a childrens home, give him a really nice home with a mummy who's chosen him and loves him lots. yes how selfish!! lol.
crazyness of it!

Oh ignore her - she'll come round.
Better to concentrate on the fact that you are going to have a lovely child. Are you adopting from the uk or abroad? Will it be one child or siblings?
I think it's every bit as esciting as a prgnancy.

were looking to adopt one child, but wouldnt say no to siblings and from the uk. i was really excited about it all, untill yesterday, now i'm just worried!

Bloody hell.

I think you are lovely and your DH needs to get with you.

My MIL would be the same I fear but we are still talking about it occasionally.

Probably just the surprise talking. She will more than likely come round.

But consider, there are women out there who can't have children and decide NOT to adopt. Would anyone think that's wrong? And there ARE families who treat adopted children differently to their biological children (I personally think they should be shot for this subtle cruelty).

Just found this thread and wanted to say that you can't carry this misguided 'disappointment' of your MIL'S.

Bet she's eating her silly words when the time comes though. One sniff of baby and all the old cronies mellow!

yanbu. you are however quite wonderful and will make a fantastic Mum.

Of course the grandkids will be yours. FIL was adopted (well sort of- orphanage lady took him home to mum and he never went back) and his Mum was dh's Nan, and he has a massive extended family of aunts, cousins etc tat are not actually genetically related to him.

FIL has so much ove for hisfamil and them him (even though his adoptive sblings were adults when he arrived) and its great to think other children could have that

'she looks like uncle derek doesnt she, he does that little chuckle just like our fred. It would have been more polite to say nothing and quietly work through this later'

you get that in our family

'oh (dh) takes after his nan and bl his grandad'

nobody even thinks otherwise- every now and ten they go 'oh no maybe not' and laugh

They do try to match children up well though. My friend's little boy is adopted and really does look just like her.

That's EXTRAORDINARILY insensitive, rude and downright horrible. All power to you.

You are SOOOOOOO NBU.

My son was adopted and luckily for enough most people took it really well, even though they only had about 5 weeks notice! My sister was tactless at first, but I think that was more shock that we wanted kids at all.

However a friend here (in Singapore) had big problems with her MIL. She insisted they try every fertility treatment imaginable when they'd have happily stopped, when she heard they were adopting here (obviously Asian baby) was calling round social services in the UK to see if they could get matched there, and then objected to the name as it reminded her of someone she disliked.

Having met the baby, she's completely come round and is now a devoted granny (although still a silly cow I imagine!).

So your MIL may come round. But if she doesn't then put your family first (you, husband, child) and keep her away from what will absolutely and indisputably be your own child.

Best of luck.

your kids are your kids, doesnt matter where they come from or how they get here,you love them and thats all that matters.great news that your planning a family of your own through adoption,hope it all goes through quickly and smoothly for you.dont worry some grannys need time to adjust ,she will come round the minute she sees your little one. keep us all posted!!!!

babybunting1, I hope you are ok.. it looks like you are in a similar position of what my brother was few years ago but do what you and your DH desire, she will change her mind after seing you with a baby... Adoption can be a long and stressful process so do ignore her!
My parents had issues when my brother and his wife decided to adopt a child from an other country.. I won't go in all details but at the end of it, when their beautiful daughter arrived at their home... well my parents absolutely felt in love with her!
From the day they all met, she has been their grandchild and they will always been her grandparents..