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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Playdates and car seats - am I over-reacting?

64 replies

snickersnack · 12/11/2008 19:33

dd goes to a ballet class. Last week I had a phone call from one of the mothers, who I know reasonably well (chat to her during the class, she's been round to our house with her dcs for tea a couple of times) asking if dd could go home to her house for tea after this week's class. She said she'd take her back after the class, and could I collect her?

I said yes, and didn't give it another thought. They don't live particularly close but I assumed they would walk or get the bus back to their house(they usually do). Anyhow. Today I asked dd whether they held hands on the way back, and she said "we didn't walk we went in the car". I asked where she'd sat, and she said "in the middle between the two seats for the little girls" I assume she means her friend and her friend's sister's car seats - and on probing it seems that yes, they sat in the child seats and she was in the middle between them on the back seat.

I am pretty outraged and shocked. I would never agree to her travelling this way, and would never offer to transport someone else's child this way, particularly without the parent's permission. If the mother had said "we're driving, do you mind if she goes in the middle", I'd have said "yes, don't worry, I'll come back at the end of the class and drop her off".

So, am I over-reacting? dh is away and I'm working myself up into a frenzy about this. Do I say something to the mother? Or do I just tell myself dd is fine, no harm came of it, and just make sure in the future that if she's invited back they are walking or I drop her off? Or decline future play dates?

I'm feeling very guilty for not asking the question in the first place, and wondering if I've been exceptionally slack in not asking more questions before letting dd go off with someone who, to be honest, I obviously don't know as well as I thought. There's a small possibility dd has got it wrong or is making this up, but she's too young to know that it's dangerous, and I can't see why she wouldn't tell the truth as it's not like her to make something up.

OP posts:
wolfnipplechips · 18/05/2009 19:53

domestically that accident happened happened just down the road from where they live too.

It doesn't matter how safe a driver you are, its the other idiots that are on the road.

Fillyjonk · 18/05/2009 19:57

"Why can't we make up our own minds as to what is "safe" for our own children any more?"

well thats the whole point of the thread isn't it? The OP didn't get to decide whether her daughter should go in a car seat and is annoyed.

Though I do think that kids sometimes need protecting from insane parents, including those who don't think car seats are all that necessary.

pinkyp · 18/05/2009 20:01

My friend was the opposite- i took her and her 3year old dd on a small journey. When i asked where her seat was, My friend said "she'll be ok,its only a quick trip". I said thats fine but if we get pulled over you will be paying any fine...she soon changed her mind.

morningpaper · 18/05/2009 20:04

I think YABU

It's unreasonable to expect her to have a spare seat - you should have offered to leave yours if you cared sufficiently.

Having said that, it is good manners to sacrifice the host's child first, I always find, so always leave mine in the "dodgy" seating position when I'm giving other children lifts

flowerybeanbag · 18/05/2009 20:06

This was 6 months ago, I'd be surprised if the OP is still checking!

Mspontipine · 18/05/2009 20:10

I can barely be bothered to post on this thread as there are always going to be two types of parent

  1. Who cares deeply about the safety of their child and would not dream of putting any child at risk in a car by not using apprpriate restraints
  1. Those who claim to care but will never ever see why it is wrong wrong wrong to drive with children totally unrestrained, in inappropriate car seats, babies on knees in front or rear seats, seat belts round both or just parent?? etc etc etc all of which I see regularly.

OP states she was wrong not to check and she won't make the mistake again. Send your seat or even drop her off yourself. Keep your little ones safe even though others have this so so low down on their priorities.

Mspontipine · 18/05/2009 20:12

In a nutshell - no snickersnack YANBU and def not overreacting.

Blondeshavemorefun · 18/05/2009 20:20

so it is flowery-i blame biryani for dragging it up

Mspontipine · 18/05/2009 20:40

Are we lost?!!

Someone take a wrong turn between a Mother and child parking space and a cupcake...

RumourOfAHurricane · 18/05/2009 20:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

RumourOfAHurricane · 18/05/2009 20:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Hulababy · 18/05/2009 20:57

Oh, didn't think to check OP date.

biryani - how come you revived a 6m old thread?

BTW biryani - totally disagree with your comment re. fuss about car seats. People used to say same about normal car seats. Sometimes having it as a law makes people see sense when before they might not have.

5Foot5 · 18/05/2009 21:27

When DD was 4 she went two days a week to a CM who sometimes looked after 2 other little boys and had her own young DS.

One day after picking her up DD told me that the other boys Mum had come to collect them but as her car had broken down she asked CM if she would give her a lift home. It was only the next street away though.

Anyway CM had three seats in the back in which she put her own son and the 2 other boys. My DD said she had sat on the lap of the other Mum in the front seat of the car!!!

I was pretty shocked that they did that even if it was only a couple of minutes drive. Also quite angry that they made sure their own kids were in the safe seats and risked my DD.

I wondered then about whether to say anything but as it did seem like a complete one off I didn't in the end. If this had happened again though I would definitely have asked for other arrangements.

YANBU to be concerned. I don't think it is on to take risks with other people's children and assume that they will be OK with that

Mspontipine · 18/05/2009 22:34

gOOD GRIEF 5Foot5 CM would have benn an ex CM - I'd have been fuming

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