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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Playdates and car seats - am I over-reacting?

64 replies

snickersnack · 12/11/2008 19:33

dd goes to a ballet class. Last week I had a phone call from one of the mothers, who I know reasonably well (chat to her during the class, she's been round to our house with her dcs for tea a couple of times) asking if dd could go home to her house for tea after this week's class. She said she'd take her back after the class, and could I collect her?

I said yes, and didn't give it another thought. They don't live particularly close but I assumed they would walk or get the bus back to their house(they usually do). Anyhow. Today I asked dd whether they held hands on the way back, and she said "we didn't walk we went in the car". I asked where she'd sat, and she said "in the middle between the two seats for the little girls" I assume she means her friend and her friend's sister's car seats - and on probing it seems that yes, they sat in the child seats and she was in the middle between them on the back seat.

I am pretty outraged and shocked. I would never agree to her travelling this way, and would never offer to transport someone else's child this way, particularly without the parent's permission. If the mother had said "we're driving, do you mind if she goes in the middle", I'd have said "yes, don't worry, I'll come back at the end of the class and drop her off".

So, am I over-reacting? dh is away and I'm working myself up into a frenzy about this. Do I say something to the mother? Or do I just tell myself dd is fine, no harm came of it, and just make sure in the future that if she's invited back they are walking or I drop her off? Or decline future play dates?

I'm feeling very guilty for not asking the question in the first place, and wondering if I've been exceptionally slack in not asking more questions before letting dd go off with someone who, to be honest, I obviously don't know as well as I thought. There's a small possibility dd has got it wrong or is making this up, but she's too young to know that it's dangerous, and I can't see why she wouldn't tell the truth as it's not like her to make something up.

OP posts:
Verity79 · 18/05/2009 18:18

I would be horrified that someone would transport a 3 year old with out a car seat and no I don't care if it's legal or not. It's legal to smoke over the age of 18 but that doesn't make it safe!

By the way my 3 year old DD is rear facing so I would be spitting mad if I found out that, but on the other hand I would have dropped off her spare seat and installed it in the other mum's car myself so maybe I'm not normal

2shoes · 18/05/2009 18:22

was she using a lap belt?

ManicMother7777 · 18/05/2009 18:23

YANBU, I'd feel exactly the same, but IME many parents don't take car seats seriously at all.

MillyR · 18/05/2009 18:25

I think she should have put your child in the car seat, and made her child sit in the middle.

Verity79 · 18/05/2009 18:34

Biryani,

This is why the government makes these rules:-

Car seat vs child kneeling

car seat vs no seat belt

just a seat belt

if anyone wonders why my 3 y/o 3ft 3" 15kg DD is rear facing

If you don't have rules for the safety of those who cannot make the informed choice for themselves (children) then what good is government. If you chose to not where a seat belt then that's your choice to make but don't put the safety of more vunerable persons in jeodardy just because you don't like to be dictated to.

Off my high horse now.....

wolfnipplechips · 18/05/2009 18:38

biryani i work in A&E and can tell you the fuss about car seats is extremely well warrented and also that people are more likely to have accidents closer to home, so even on a short journey they are important.

The law about taxis is because it would be virtually impossible for them to carry a range of car seats although they are lunatics. I just don't take my kids in taxis unless going to the airport when we have the car seats anyway.

OP YANBU but i would just leave it and chalk it down to experience in future make a big deal of giving them her booster seat or drive her yourself. You'll have the opportunity as if the playdate went well the mum would want to repeat it.

susiey · 18/05/2009 18:41

I would have put my child on our spare booster and seat belt adjustor ( kept for times such as these and put your child in my dd seat.

However I don't think you should say anything this time but should she offer to take your daughter again when she asks say would you like a carseat?

wolfnipplechips · 18/05/2009 18:43

x posts with verity
and just to add, not everybody is a s aware of the risks so a law is necessary.

I took my screaming baby out of its car seat to bf it once when we were late to get to the passport office to pick up newborn passport. Last week i saw a baby from a car accident where that was the same scenario, i now feel ill at the thought of what could have happened. Car seats are a must.

hellywobs · 18/05/2009 18:44

If it had been me I would have put own child in middle. If she is invited again, ask her if she has spare seat and if not, give her yours. If there isn't room, say you are not happy and say you'll drop off/collect.

squeaver · 18/05/2009 18:51

As I seem to be constantly ferrying other people's children around, I am just about to invest in a booster seat for my car.

If I have another child to play before/after school, I put my dd in a normal seat with a seatbelt and the other child in dd's car seat.

Btw, she's 4.

squeaver · 18/05/2009 18:52

And to your OP, I think you are over-reacting.

handbagqueen · 18/05/2009 18:59

I drive around with 2 spare boosters in the boot just in case I need to take anyone extra with me. Also if anyone is taking my DD hoMe I always ask if they need a spare carseat, just to ensure she is in a proper seat for the journey.

For the OP I wouldn't say anything to the mum - you may just lose yourself a friend, just be more vigilant in the future.

squeaver · 18/05/2009 19:04

Tbh, it is a bit of a faff swapping car seats around, arranging to get them back etc. That's why I'm getting an extra booster seat.

But I've been in the front seat of a friend's car while my dd was in the back between two other children just as you describe and wasn't too bothered by it - short journey, no alternative.

katiestar · 18/05/2009 19:10

Me too - Helliwobs.No way would I expose another person's child to a risk I wasn't prepared to expose my own to.

bergentulip · 18/05/2009 19:20

Think you are overreacting tbh.

It was a one-off and not against the law.

Although, as many others have said, if it had been me ferrying someone else's child around, I would have put my own on the seat in the middle. It simply would not be cricket to suggest their child's life was not as important as my own children's.... (!)

Hulababy · 18/05/2009 19:30

I wouldn't be happy either. It may be legal, but travelling without a car seat in a private car is, for me, a no no.

Even in am emergency - if I was taking another child, assumig same age/height, I'd have put my own child in the middle, not someone else's child - not without asking mum or dad frst.

We have excess car seats for friends of DD. A booster cushion only costs a tenner and is easy to have thrown in the boot after all.

In future I would check with mum re car seats. For me it is simple - no car seat = no car travel. I am happy to leave a car seat at school for another parent to use however.

Hulababy · 18/05/2009 19:31

I have one child and four car seats! 1 high back booster and 3 boosters cushions (one was high back but sides now off). We have two cars. I need 3 in one car every Friday anyway, but generally we have 2 seats in each car - just in case.

FabulousBakerGirl · 18/05/2009 19:33

How can anyone say she was over reacting.

Her child wasn't secured in the car as she should have been. Sod the law. Why wouldn't you want to have the best car seat for your child regardless of what the law says?

newgirl · 18/05/2009 19:34

i have a booster seat kept in the boot for these occasions - it is all that will fit between mine. only cost about 25 quid - if it ever comes up again, offer it to her?

Hulababy · 18/05/2009 19:34

Just read the OP's child was only 3y. I would have been even more cross TBH.

katz · 18/05/2009 19:37

we choose a car with integrated car seats for this very reason to be able to transport playdates plus our 2.

domesticallychallenged · 18/05/2009 19:40

I don't think you are over reacting. I wouldn't be happy but put it down to experience - you'll never let it happen again.

Isn't Sir Alec Fergusen's grandson in hospital with internal injuries after being in a car crash without a car seat ?

Blondeshavemorefun · 18/05/2009 19:43

YANBU

this woman is playing with your dd life

if she isnt that worried then she should of put HER child in the middle and put your dd in her childs seat

i often have dc friends back after school and i have a spare booster seat for this reason - cost £10 from halfords

I would NEVER have children in the car and not properly strapped in - it just isnt worth the risk

if one of my dc are asked back for tea i ALWAYS check if that mum/nanny has a spare car seat, if not then i will take mine and leave at school

if i found out that my dc wasnt put in a proper seat, i would be furious and would say something to the person

MollieO · 18/05/2009 19:51

So you are blaming your friend for you not asking about how your dd would get to her house? Sorry but I think YABU.

When ds (4) has playdates the first question I ask is about transport/car seats. My child, my responsibility. I would never let my ds go in someone else's car without a car seat unless it was an absolute emergency (and I can't envisage what that would actually be).

I used to use a CM where one of the mindees was the dd of a primary school head. Every day that mother would collect her dd by taxi and would never use a car seat even though the dh dropped off in the mornings and could have left the car seat with the CM and of course the CM had spare car seats.

Where my ds's safety is concerned I don't assume anything, I find out and confirm whether I am happy with the proposed arrangements.

Sassybeast · 18/05/2009 19:52

yANBU to be pissed off with her - next time I would use the 'Do you have aseat or shall i leave mine' line.

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