DS going without dummy branded cruel by my Mum!

[Wigglesworth]

My DS is nearly 4 months old and we are trying to wean him off his dummy as it is now disturbing his sleep during the day when he loses it. We have gone cold turkey for nearly 2 days now and whilst its been hard and myself and DH have doubted whether we are doing right thing he seems to be getting better at settling himself now.
I have just had a phone conversation with my Mum and I told her proudly how we had gone 2 days without dummy but its been hard and told her why we are doing it. She just proceeded to tell me how he's just a baby and how mean I am. I think that is out of order and I told her that isn't what I need to hear right now. Everything I seem to tell her I am doing or everytime he is a bit whingy when I am around her she makes some quip about how mean Mummy is . It's starting to make me not want to tell her stuff or even spend any time with her, AIBU?

YANBU. You are trying to do whats best for your DS, and she is being awful to you. Whe may not realise how much she is putting you down though, and maybe needs telling.

FWIW I agree with trying to get dummies away sooner rather than later, although I'm sure many wouldn't agree.

It's easier to get rid of it at this age, before they have had longer with it and it's a harder habit to break.

Follow what feels right for you. Your child, your choice.

yanbu, it is mean and unnecessary.

Tough one. You aren't a mean mummy and she's not being very sensitive making such remarks to a new mum, when you're so desperate to know you're doing a good job. She probably doesn't even realise she's doing it. My older sister does all that "aaw, what are they doing to you, eh? horrible mummy making you cry by changing your bum" etc - try to ignore it.

As for the dummy issue, 4 months is an early age to withdraw the dummy but it's up to you sometimes you have to make decisions like that. Personally I would keep on giving the dummy if your baby is comforted by it, cos you'll find soon enough he'll learn how to put it back in himself, and god knows they're handy for settling them down. But that's only my opinion based on my own child. You know your baby best.

Sounds like it's not your baby who needs to be given the dummy.
Can you talk to her about this?

iirc the advice re sids though is that the dummy needs to be firmly in place - babies who frequently lose the dummy are at greater risk of sids so it's not that clear-cut.

Tell your mother to but out.

I know I would rather he had a dummy TBH but I see how it messes him up and how incredibly grumpy he gets when it falls out when is is asleep and then cannot get back to sleep. I just feel he is best off without it. How should I deal with the "cruel Mummy comments" I am a new and first time Mum and its hard to deal with? The funny thing is my Mum thinks she can say whatever she likes to me as long as she follows it with "oh I'm only kidding" if I get a bit pissed off. That makes me look and feel like I am being too sensitive but it just gets on my tits.

YANBU

Next time she brings it up, cackle in an evil laugh kind of way and say "ha! you haven't seen anything yet mum - wait til he's a stroppy toddler and see how mean i can really get muahahahahah"

You are not mean at all, babies can survive without dummies, it is not cruel. Just explain to her, that you are trying to do whats best for your ds and if she cant say something supportive then she should 'clack it'

say 'im turning into my mother-only joking'

do what you think is right.

Frosty, she is very controlling but contradicts herself all the time. My brother had his dummies til he was 5 FFS, I never had one. She also gives conflicting advice (which I don't ask for), he was very unsettled at first (hence reason for dummy) and she would say settle him in his pram, next minute it was in his moses basket in the living room to get used to noises and now we have put him in his own room in his cot and he settles great at night time. When I told her this she said "I told you to do that all along"...grrrr . Do I just tell her to piss off cos her advice is bollocks or bite my tongue nod and smile and do my own thing? I think you are right she doesn't realise she is doing it sometimes I think.

He is too young too NEED to be weaned off it, if you want to do so then be prepared for other people not to agree with you, but it's still your decission.

id nod and smile.im sure its only because she cares(even if it is stressful).my mum is always right(mind you i tell dc mummys always right so maybe its just something that comes to us all).

frosty if I remember correctly (and will happily go and look) the reduction in sids has to do with the way in which the dummy is sucked constantly keeping the airway open in some way. but this has to be a constant, because if the dummy falls out then obviously the airway is disturbed and the benefit is lost.

Op - my mum is very much like yours, except she doesn't say "only kidding." she interferes though and it does my head in. I find not telling her anything helps.

I do want to talk to her about it but I don't want to offend her, although she seemingly has no trouble doing likewise to me. She is generally nice she is caring and would drop everything to help me its just she doesn't think before she speaks.
I think on some level she is a bit bitter cos I have never asked for or needed her help (DH is fab and gives me loads of support). She had help from my Dads mum when my DB was a baby cos he was a nightmare apparently. I think she thought she would be spending all her time with me when DS was born but the truth is I don't want to be around her much whilst she continues to be this way. I am not sure that she will change cos she still sees me as little girl not the grown up 28 year old married Mum that I am, that is what I meant by her controlling ways.

I don't think weaning off the dummy at this age is a problem. DP's aunt has been tryin to wean her toddler off his since just after 12 months. If he sees another child with a dummy he grabs it out of his/her mouth and pops it in his own! also letting a child have a dummy for too long can potentially cause problems with speech according to my SIL who works in childcare

YANBU btw - I sometimes say 'oh mummy's so nasty puuting you in the bath' but would get annoyed if someone else constantly said things like this

Yanbu, it is your choice. My 4 DCs never hacd a dummy they still survived to thid day. You have to do what is right for you.

Very wise Frosty

Just agree with her, tell her that "Yes, I am a mean mother, wonder where I learned that one from oh dear supportive mother of mine!!!"

You sound sensible to me...not mean. And its not very supportive of her trying to undermine yours and dh's decisions as parents. Let alone the fact you are her dd and she should be supporting you, whether she agrees or not.

agree with stayfrosty

and tell her to stop with the mean mummy business coz 'joke' or not it's upsetting you.

My mum did this for a while, till I started calling her mean granny, that shut her up eventually...until the next time!
said 'poor baby, your silly mummy doesnt dress you/feed you and on and on', until I snapped adn said 'that silly granny is going to get a smacked bum unless she butts out... and she does until...

you get the picture, actually probably better than my Dad who still thinks it's funny to call say 'the fat controller's coming' to my three year old whenever they are playing trains - thanks dad!

As for them finding their dummy, i look after a 20m old who can;t find it or he holds it crying, nay, screaming, for you to arrive and put it in, so a baby losing it and waking up is better off without it IMVHO