to be hacked off at DP and his negativity towards MY DS?

[milliemayhem]

My partner moved in 3 weeks ago to my flat. We've been together just over a year. My DS is 5 (from a previous relationship) DP is always snapping at my DS telling him to Stop this, do that, don't do this, listen to me, etc. You get the picture. I also have days of ranting with DS, he can get very excitable. But get hacked off cos he always seems to be telling him off, rather than pointing out the good things. He even called DS a baby earlier when he thought i wasn't around. AIBU, or is this part and parcel?

have you tried posting on step parents too? might get more directed postings on here.

whilst it must be horrid for your and ds may also be difficult for dp - is he used to children? thats not to say i am standing up for him being out of order...just that he may not know any better (and yanbu btw)

Partner would be moving straight back out again if I were you. Sorry to be abrupt, but it sounds as if neither of you have given much thought to how you are going to support this little boy through this big change in his life.

Oo, and just to add, we often take DS and his little 'girlfriend' out, and the difference between the way he treats them is unreal. Girl can't do anything wrong whilst DS gets moaned at by DP for everything. DP even once said whilst we were out 'can't we have a little girl?' (NO!) He does have very tender touching moments with DS, which make me stand still and watch because they don't happen to often. Agh, help!

Sorry to be so judgemental buut you have asked...i think he sounds bloody horrible.Your son should not to put up with this from your dp.He sounds like he is bullying him and thats not on.
Have you spoken to dp about his attitude?

I take it all back.Get rid of him your kids deserve better.

Sorry frogs, but i've given more thought to this then you'd ever know. Quite offended by ur comment, its not helping. This was a major step for us all, i'd been on my own for 4 years with only DS. I just don't like the lack of patience he has with DS when hes only doing what a 5 year old does.

I agree with 3littlefrogs.

This isnt about being 'hacked off' with your partner. Hacked off is when they don't take the rubbish out or fart in bed.
This is serious. Your child is being treated badly and the message you are giving is that you are happy to let that happen. Your son will grow up with serious issues if you let this continue.

It is very early days and a huge learning curve for all 3 of you.

DS may be acting up to test your dp

Does your dp have children? If not, he will not really know how to handle ds or what is normal behaviour for a 5 year old.

You on the other hand are used to being the only person who disciplines your ds and naturally it is difficult to see anyone else dealing with ds' behaviour.

This is NOT part and parcel of becoming a new family unit and you need to sort things out sooner rather than later. Have a long chat with dp; I am sure that he is worried that he is not handling things the way you would want him to.
You both need to play a role in parenting your ds; both the good and the bad stuff, and you need to find a way that it can be done so that everyone is happy

Best of luck

He sounds like a bully milliemayhem. He sounds like resents your ds's mere existence - maybe?

Told him tonight how it upsets me. Hes not a bully, i just don't know how to guide him thru this change, and teach him how to become a parent. You can't teach anyone how to be a parent. I just want advice on how to go about talking to him, at the mo hes in the living room not wanting to talk to me.

Told him tonight how it upsets me. Hes not a bully, i just don't know how to guide him thru this change, and teach him how to become a parent. You can't teach anyone how to be a parent. I just want advice on how to go about talking to him, at the mo hes in the living room not wanting to talk to me.

thatwas meant to say jealous maybe?

I have apologised for being abrupt. I just have a really bad feeling about this, and it is clear from the other responses that I am not the only one. I feel worried for your son, and only have the information you have given to base my opinion on. I really am sorry if I have missed something, and I do realise that this may not be what you want to hear. Please try and see this through the eyes of your child.

He's sulking because you told him how you feel?

He just sounds better and better.......

This is why I can't even face the thought of 'maybe' to another relationship. I have young children and I would find it torture to be in your shoes..

You've only lived with him 3 wks. I think it would be reasonable to speak up now and say , this isn't really working out is it? If you leave it for months and months it would be much harder.

agree with katiescarlett-whilst its not great at all for your ds, it doesn't really leave you with much room for change if that is the way he behaves when you try and discuss it

agree with katiescarlett-whilst its not great at all for your ds, it doesn't really leave you with much room for change if that is the way he behaves when you try and discuss it

Milliemayhem, I am not sure why everyone is being so negative toward you and your dp;

Give it time, try to talk to him. I assume that he is not a dad yet ad this is all new. He probably thinks he has done well and is upset that you do not agree.

Talk to him about ds' life; what winds him up, how you reacted to his first tantrum, what were his first words etc... make dp feel part of yours and ds' family unit.

Tell him the ways that have suited you and ds best in dealing with poor behaviour (for instance, bribery is pointless with my ds, but he will do anything for you if you tell him how proud of him you are etc etc)

Do ds and dp have anything in common; can they do lego together, go off and play football, play dr who? You maybe need to foster the positives in their relationship and hopefully that will help you all deal with the negatives.

You say you've given a lot of thought to this, but have you actually had an equal amount of discussion with your DP as thought, about what his role in your DS's life should be, how he sees his role, what his deep-seated parenting beliefs are, how he sees your DS, etc.? During the course of those discussions, did you two agree on how to parent your DS together?

What role does your DS's father have in this?

do you realise you have 3 threads on this?
I've posted on the other one

Fucking technology going wrong tonight. Just my luck. Thanks Nell for seeing the other side, its not all shouting and sitting on the naughty step. We all do family things, we have great times, hes part of our family and fits in well. i'll sit and talk to him tomorrow evening, hes gotta get up at 4am which is why we're in seperate rooms. My son idolises him, he shouts for DP in the night, will give him first hug after school etc so hes not affected by this, its just me picking up on it all the time.

Have read some of the info on one of the other threads. Would he consider going to parenting classes? It might be easier for him to accept advice and help from someone other than you, for the basics.

Personally, I think it would be better to do the parenting classes, and build on that for a while before moving in, if that were possible.

I did a short parenting course years ago, when mine were small, long before such courses were generally available. I found it to be one of the most useful things I ever did.

Will have a look into parenting courses.Just popped in to see him,he said how hard it is and he never imagined it would be so hard trying to please the two most important things him his life,also he wants to do his best,but finds it difficult as he never had parental role models when he was young.I do feel for him, this must be so hard.We're gonna have a long talk tomorrow eve, but will look into courses.Thanks for replies, i'm not leaving, have to much of a GOOD thing to just walk away without trying

If you have been together for a year, I am guessing that you have had some time to talk about the future, and how you are going to deal with parenting together. It is very hard when you are at such different stages of experience.

Presumably your dp has done some reading, but I would highly recommend the following books, if he hasn't already read them:

Steve Biddulph - "raising boys" is an absolute must, IMO, for anyone with sons/stepsons. (I have 2 boys and found it extremely helpful).

Jo Douglas and Naomi Richman - "coping with small children". It is aimed at parents of babies and toddlers, but will give your dp basic insight into how toddlers develop, as he has missed this stage with your ds.

There are other books that are frequently recommended by mnetters - one is called something like "how to talk so children will listen" - someone will come along and clarify, I am sure.

Parenting is the most challenging and difficult job there is, and frequently seems to be the one for which we are least prepared. There is a lot of information out there - libraries usually have a good stock of information, and will order books for you.

You can get information on parenting classes from health visitors, school, and probably through sure start, if there is a scheme in your area.

I also think a basic first aid course is essential for anyone who is going to be looking after a child - including parents.

Having the benefit of the knowledge and experience from books and classes can build confidence, and will hopefully make the whole situation less daunting.

It's still early days. A good long conversation - with continuing dialogue (sorry for the Americanism, but you know what I mean!) - about what your DP's role in your DS's life is and how you should deal with things as a family now -is definitely due.

Good luck.