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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be hacked off at DP and his negativity towards MY DS?

32 replies

milliemayhem · 09/11/2008 21:12

My partner moved in 3 weeks ago to my flat. We've been together just over a year. My DS is 5 (from a previous relationship) DP is always snapping at my DS telling him to Stop this, do that, don't do this, listen to me, etc. You get the picture. I also have days of ranting with DS, he can get very excitable. But get hacked off cos he always seems to be telling him off, rather than pointing out the good things. He even called DS a baby earlier when he thought i wasn't around. AIBU, or is this part and parcel?

OP posts:

mabanana · 09/11/2008 21:14

No, this man doesn't sound at all right for you. You have been together five minutes and he's annoying you and picking on your son. IMO you have to put your ds first. Why did you let him move in? What do you hope for from this relationship?

singyswife · 09/11/2008 21:17

Perhaps he is just suddenly trying to be a father figure. Maybe you need to have a heart to heart regarding bounderies and rules, maybe he isnt familiar with your rules. Words such as ' I appreciate your support but he is my son and we have a routine, please help to stick to it and not bring in your own rules' should work. OTOH maybe he has unrealistic expectations of a child (my brother did till he moved in with his girlfriend and child now it is different) and maybe if you work together on rules etc he will have a better idea.

kormachameleon · 09/11/2008 21:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

beanieb · 09/11/2008 21:20

what is he like in general. Peraps he's just finding it hard to be a kind of step father?

ScottishMummy · 09/11/2008 21:21

ok now you have actually seen what this man is really like.it wont improve.he wont change.

sling him. for your sanity for your boy

J2O · 09/11/2008 21:31

oh no, how long have you been together? sorry, but my ex was like this with dd1 and he very nearly ground me down to make me believe that she was actually doing things wrong, when atually she was just being a hild and he was being a prick.
hopefully he is just settling in and adjusting, but i wouldn't bet on it. Sorry if thats not what you want to hear.

J2O · 09/11/2008 21:31

being a child rather

Original poster

milliemayhem · 09/11/2008 21:37

In general hes fantastic. Hes not a bully, he supports me and DS, he does 'father and son' things with him, buys him what if needs (40quid on new coat today for him and new shoes ) He is no way a bully or a bad man. He just doesn't know when to praise him, or when to tell him off at appropriate times. Hes never been around kids, was put in a home when he was young, and is great. Its just a massive shock stepping into father figure sized shoes. Just need to know how to approach this difficult subject.

OP posts:

quaranta · 09/11/2008 21:39

i hope that you can work it out in the way that feels right to you and wish you luck in trying to work out what to do - but you know this - put your son first at all costs.

singyswife · 09/11/2008 21:40

I think that maybe you should say to him, look we all have to learn how to live together as we all love each other so here is what I suggest to make this work...... then tell him how you deal with your dc. Tell him that he will get a wonderful response from your dc if he says 'good lad' or whatever. This will work out for all of you I am sure of it.

ScottishMummy · 09/11/2008 21:48

you have misgivings?he snaps,he chastises ds.you don't like what you see.enough to post.something isn't right

dizzydixies · 09/11/2008 21:49

am with scottishmummy on this

he's only 5 and shouldn't be subjected to that from anyone

sounds like your dp is used to being the only man in your life sorry!

StewieGriffinsMom · 09/11/2008 21:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

LittleWhizzingBella · 09/11/2008 21:56

oh this is another thread, just posted on your other one.

I would suggest a parenting course. If he's not used to children and hasn't had positive role models growing up, then he's going to have immense difficulty adjusting to being the parent of a biological child, let alone a child who isn't his.

You ask if this is part and parcel. What do you mean? Constant snapping, backbiting and negativity part and parcel of a happy family? No. It's part and parcel of an unhappy dysfunctional family though.

TheProvincialLady · 09/11/2008 21:59

As an absolute minimum I would say to him that he is not to attempt to discipline your DS or say negative things to him at all (as that is your job) until he has attended parenting classes and family therapy. If he was brought up in a children's home he won't have a clue how to be a father figure because he never had a secure one of his own.

If there is any resistance to either or these then you have no choie but to leave, as your DS will be permanently damaged by this if it continues.

AbbeyA · 09/11/2008 22:04

DP either has to change or you go. You must put DS first IMO.

memoo · 09/11/2008 22:14

I think you need to get rid of your DP.

DS is your priority.

StubbleOnChin · 09/11/2008 22:37

I accepted a relationship with a dependent included (as part of the package) some yrs ago. Yes times get tough but always accepted dependent as own. The hardest part was to accept the natural love would not be there. If its his first then its always diff to adapt. Parenting is not a natural thing for some people. But if early signs are negative then I would always err on the protective side.

cory · 09/11/2008 22:42

It could be that he is just trying to fit himself into the father role very quickly. My db used to be a bit like this with his sdd- he and her Mum got together when she was 3, and he seemed to think that he had to prove himself as a Dad at once by her obeying him. Eventually he calmed down and they've always been really close.

KatieDD · 09/11/2008 22:49

At the risk of getting seriously flamed, this man has had a troubled start to his life, there's every possibility he will never know how to behave in a family. I have a friend like this, nice girl but spent her life in care she can never hold down a relationship with anybody.
I would keep your eyes wide open and give it say 6 months, if he isn't father of the year by then, move on.
My DH isn't my eldest's natural father but you would never ever know it, he treats them all equally and loves her like his own so not true to say the natural love would not be there, with the right person it can be.

AbbeyA · 10/11/2008 08:15

I think the natural love can be there-it is perfectly possible to love a DC who is not your own but it takes time to build up the relationship.
I would let them spend time on their own doing things your DS likes. If your DP doesn't want to spent time on his own with him then the alarm bells should really start to ring.

colacubes · 10/11/2008 08:35

It must be hard to become a father over night, especially to a 5 year old, boundaries are all new, you feel you have to all of a sudden become the man of the house. I dont know if I could be a dsm without having the experience of being a mother first.

But if he isn't trying to fit into this family and its only the very beginning my guess is that he believes you should all fit around him, not him become part of your already happy family.

Try to speak to him calmly, but try to not be negative, or create a battle line between your ds and him. I would see how it goes say till after christmas, if you see no change or its getting worse, please make the decision that is right for your ds, not for your dp or yourself. I have made the wrong decision and its very hard to deal with the fall out that comes after, whether thats a relationship that has become bulish and aggressive, or leaving a relationship that is all of those things.

Good luck, be fair and honest but strong in your position, and you will do the right thing.

pingping · 11/11/2008 11:04

If you want to be with him then talk to him about it tell him that he is not your childs parent, Straight up your DS comes first and should not be unhappy in his home.

Does your DS see his father?

Sawyer64 · 11/11/2008 11:15

My DH found this hard when we first got married,with my DS. He couldn't win,I wanted him to be part of the discipline,and when he did I had my own issues with that. I was a single parent for DS,from when I was 3 mths PG,so I'm wasn't used to "sharing" him.

Look closely at what he's saying,you may need to discuss with him,that he is "sweating all the small stuff" and should relax a little more,but also look at the way you are feeling.

Having anyone tell our DC's off makes us go on the defensive too.

Maybe its a liitle too much from his side and he needs your help,and a little too much "defensiveness" on your part. IME

Stick with it IMO,it gets easier.

DaphneMoon · 11/11/2008 12:01

Millie, this is so like my life. 99.9% of the rows between my DP and me are about my DS from a previous marriage. He is far too strict, he says I am too weak and give in too easily. Admittedly I do a little, but I am trying to be a bit tougher with him. My DP though never seems to be "nice" to my DS, he is always pulling him up about something, my DS is so lovely and most stuff like this goes over his head and he does not take it to heart. But I feel he is being a bully sometimes. I really feel that when my DS is a grown up he will not come and visit and resent my DP for this. Very occasionally they will be sweet together and it warms my heart, but it is so few and far between. I feel for you I really do, it is hard. I have nearly walked out because I think I owe my DS a better life. But when he goes to his fathers house, we get on so well and never fall out. Sawyer some sound advice there.

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