to be hacked off at DP and his negativity towards MY DS?

[milliemayhem]

My partner moved in 3 weeks ago to my flat. We've been together just over a year. My DS is 5 (from a previous relationship) DP is always snapping at my DS telling him to Stop this, do that, don't do this, listen to me, etc. You get the picture. I also have days of ranting with DS, he can get very excitable. But get hacked off cos he always seems to be telling him off, rather than pointing out the good things. He even called DS a baby earlier when he thought i wasn't around. AIBU, or is this part and parcel?

I think you need to be united on what you think constitutes bad behaviour/reasonable discipline, and in you need to discuss the issue. I understand, after much trial, error and conversation exactly what my partner finds acceptable or not acceptable about his children's behaviour. We don't always see eye to eye about it, but at least we're clear on it, and I never intervene in the matters I know that we differ on. You can't expect each other to know what the other one is thinking on matters of discipline. You have to talk.

The fact that he doesn't see the good things is a problem, but it's something he could work on. If he's not already a parent, he perhaps won't realise that it's important to point out the good, so perhaps you need to tell him that.

Thanks daphne. Speaking from my own experience,it is hard for both of you(or all 3 of you really). My DH still feels I'm too soft,but I guess most DP/DH's feel this way to some extent even when the DC isn't a DSC.

It is important to have private chats with DP/DH to sort out what you both want to achieve,and what you both find unacceptable.IME I sometimes have to "busy" myself or walk away as my DH is doing the right thing,but I find it hard to watch.

My DS adores my DH,and it is the first real father /Son relationship he's had.As time has gone on,my DS has become more reasonable,and accepts what my DH is doing,even if he doesn't at the time.In most cases IME it isn't bullying just a little too heavy parenting techniques by an "Amateur parent".

We are lucky that we have our "bond" and instincts to rely on,with our DC's,this has to develop with a DSD.it takes time.

You are right Sawyer, my DP is doing the right thing most of the time, but I feel that there is no-where enough praise to go with it. I am constantly saying, that yes ok on that occasion DS was out of order, but it would be nice sometimes if he paid him some attention. It is very difficult and I agree I find it very hard to listen to a man who is not DS natural father telling him off. DS is in regular contact with his natural father though and I know he tells him off now and again but for some reason I find this more acceptable.

The OP's DH is not an experienced father, however my DP has two children from a previous marriage. I have to say they are remarkably well behaved even at 12 and 14 there is very little back chat. This does make me think DP is probably right. Just wish there was more bonding though.

tbh he sounds like my mum!

She goes for the easy/lazy/doesn't really know any better option of moaning rather than distraction & interaction.

I wouldn't rush to show him the door at all. If you love him and feel he is otherwise great, the I would have a talk with him & explain better / alternative tactics.

Only if he is unwilling, or totally incapable of adjusting would I have a re-think. You can't expect him to be perfect day right frm the outset, particularly with no experience. Nor is it reasonable to tell him he can't discipline your ds - that also puts him in a v. difficult situation in several ways imo.

good luck.

Oh god I would rather have a bit of backchat sometimes, than a cowed, resentful child.

My Dad was a bully. I never gave him any backchat because I was scared of him and grew to hate him.

When I was an adult, I never visited him and we never had a relationship. When he died, it didn't make much difference to me as we'd never had a relationship anyway.

I would hate my children to feel that way about me and I can't imagine wanting to introduce them to a relationship like that with anyone else.