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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be p*ssed at my cousin

66 replies

mum2niamh · 09/11/2008 17:51

My cousin isn't having kids at her wedding, yes it's her wedding and her choice, but the way she worded it - "adults only as we do not want your children ruining our wedding"

WTF? This is so rude!! My dd is only 9 months. I do not know if other parents got this information. I just think the wording is so rude, I'm tempted not to go now

AIBU

OP posts:
falcon · 09/11/2008 18:41

What on earth are they missing out?

I'm not planning on getting married any time soon unfortunately but I do think I would prefer to have a child free wedding, though I wouldn't, for a minute, consider wording the invitation in such a vulgar manner.

Really it shouldn't be at all necessary to state that it's a child free wedding, etiquette dictates that only the people listed on the invitation are invited.

SalBySea · 09/11/2008 18:46

well we felt that the kids we had at our wedding really added to the day

and most of them were family so it woulda felt a bit incomplete if everyone wasnt there

I think it is essential to state it clearly from the start if you want a child free wedding - I know someone who emailed friends in the states to tell them the date of their wedding (in advance of invites being sent) and said "we hope you'll be able to come". The couple booked their flights and was only told a few weeks before the wedding that the child that they were bringing across the atlantic wasnt welcome at the do. Also, my nieces had new dresses for our wedding long before our invites went out - people DO assume so it IS essential to state it if you are having a no child wedding

catweazle · 09/11/2008 18:50

salbysea I was referring to the wording... children ruining their wedding.

FWIW most of my children are grown-up. My cousins all recently got married. The female cousin banned all children. Fortunately before we had DD2 or we wouldn't have gone. My 2 male cousins had whole families there- it was lovely.

The only people likely to invite us from now are our own kids, and we will have something to say to them if they try to ban their little sister; and our nephews and niece. Again Words Would Be Had with the relevant brother and SIL if our DD was excluded, just as my dad did when his sister tried to ban kids from her wedding 33 years ago

falcon · 09/11/2008 18:50

Yes but they shouldn't assume, if everyone followed the standard that only those who are named on the invitations were invited, and if the hosts stated x and family on the invitations, if they wished children to be present we wouldn't have this problem.

That's highly unlikely unfortunately.

falcon · 09/11/2008 18:51

I don't think it's anyone's right to complain to the bride and groom if they wish to have an adult only wedding, even if they are family members.

SalBySea · 09/11/2008 18:53

I suppose people think it'll soften the blow if they send an invite to just the parents if it also states that NO kids are invited, so they know that its not just theirs

Wezzle · 09/11/2008 19:07

Very rude

Tell her you're not going as you don't want her wedding ruining your weekend

Upwind · 09/11/2008 19:08

The wording is harsh but at least it firmly gets the message across.

The past few weddings I've been at have featured disruptive children or howling babies. The parents who see no reason to remove their children when they are upsetting the wedding party are the very ones who will assume that the presence of their darlings is of course "adding to the day" despite careful wording suggesting it is an adult only celebration.

My own wedding vows were interrupted by a very loud and vocal toddler (DN) who apparantly wanted my attention! I did not mind that, but had made it clear to everyone attending my wedding with DC that they should be prevented from running about and removed if they started screaming or tantrumming. It was rude to do this and I hope it caused no offense, but experience had taught me it was necessary.

I wonder if, years ago, parents were quicker to remove children who were acting up, or whether it was simply more usual for children to be used to being in a church and being quiet for the duration of a ceremony?

SalBySea · 09/11/2008 19:12

we had 12 kids at our wedding and 8 of them were 2 or under

no disruption whatsoever
(apart from cousin's son shouting "its a princess" when I arrived at the church, which I think was cute)

we didnt expect them to act like adults and kept them entertained which helped

Upwind · 09/11/2008 19:13

I should have added that I disagree with most people here - YABU

All your cousin has done is issue an invitation that could have been worded better, hardly the crime of the century. You have no reason to be offended. But if you would rather not go, under these circumstances, don't! It is an invitation, not a summons.

Plonker · 09/11/2008 19:18

YANBU

How incredibly rude!

I couldn't care less whether the wedding is child-free or not, that is entirely up to the happy couple.
An invitation like that, however, is mind-numbingly rude and if I had received that invitation off my cousin, I wouldn't go even if they paid me!!

debzmb62 · 09/11/2008 19:25

i think your couison is very rude tbh i myself now would,nt go my son recently married and the numbers were limited as the church was,nt that big so there were only a few children there them being his brothres and sister and his own children and a few people with children who could,nt get sitters for the hour as my poor son could,nt invite all the cousins in the family as there;s millions of them lol for instants my baby who 3 is my mums 35th grandchild and she has now got 42 great-grandchildren so i could understand lol mind you everyone of them came to the reception and it was a fantastic day i must say

AbbeyA · 09/11/2008 19:31

The issue isn't having a child free wedding,it is the wording of the invitation which is mind bogglingly rude!!

Upwind · 09/11/2008 19:42

Abbey - the wording of the invitation is rude, but IMO not worth getting pissed with someone about.

If directed solely at the OP it would make me wonder whether the OP's children had caused disruption at other family events. I know that, when organising my own wedding, I decided agains inviting someone because I was still at how she had allowed her DC carry on at another friend's wedding.

Original poster
mum2niamh · 09/11/2008 19:48

I only have 1 dd and she is only 9 months, so no, she hasn't caused disruption at previous family events.

As far as I know, NO children will be at the wedding, except her best friend's son who is a pageboy or something.

OP posts:
amidaiwish · 09/11/2008 19:51

my friends married recently and worded it perfectly imo

"i am sorry you can't bring your children but between you you have 133 children and we would have to hire Wembley Stadium and take out a second mortgage"

Upwind · 09/11/2008 19:53

mum2niamh - in that case I would assume that other parents got the same invitation and are probably just as miffed.

at having a pageboy at a child free wedding....

Liffey · 09/11/2008 19:54

That sounds so much less of an insult!!

LoolaBoys · 09/11/2008 19:54

OMG, I can't believe someone could actually write that on an invite. Does she have any friends? If she did she probably doesn't now

LoolaBoys · 09/11/2008 19:55

Meant to point out that I don't have a problem with child free weddings, but the wording is impossibly rude

macdoodle · 09/11/2008 19:57

Upwind you wedding sounds like it was fun

Upwind · 09/11/2008 19:58

It was great fun

Scifinerd · 09/11/2008 19:59

Wow outrageous invite. Is your cousin seriously thick or does she not mind insulting people? I hope this is a bad joke or she will live to regret it.

sleepyeyes · 09/11/2008 20:03

That's a really rude way of putting it! I would send the RSVP back saying you can attend as seeing her sour face would ruin your day.

I get married this week its very small family wedding 1/3 of the guests are kids (we don't have any they are all our nieces and nephews) and they are all so excited I cant wait to see them all dressed up smartly.

I accept others don't want kids at there wedding, that's fine to its the couples day but there is no need to be so rude.

therealsupergirl · 09/11/2008 20:07

Yanbu - she can invite who she likes but very rude wording.

Just tell her you can't come as you like to spend weekends together doing fun family things - and use the money you would have spent on present/transport/outfits/whatever to go somewhere nice with DD

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