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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...to not want the OW in my house?

46 replies

PatienceRequired · 09/11/2008 10:59

Ok long story short...
My husband and i seperated 2.5 years ago after i found out he was having an affair. Our marriage had been on the rocks for some time and i jumped for joy when i found out as i had tried leaving him a couple of times, but took him back as i couldn't bear taking the kids away from their dad, even though he refused to act like a responsible husband and father, to our two children.

Fast forward 2.5 years, i have a wonderful(most of the time lol) partner, we have bought a house together and have a beautiful daughter together. I have never wanted my husband back. ie this query is not due to my jealousy!

So here is the problem: My daughter will be 6 next month and is having a party, this is her first party at an organised venue rather than a party at home. She didn't have a party at all last year due to me being pregnant, moving house and lack of money. So it is a really big deal to her. Understandably.
Her dad has given me some money towards her party. The party will be on a Sunday and her actual birthday will be on the Monday. He lives an hours drive away but dosent drive, and so it is always up to me to do the driving when he does choose to see them. which is sporadic to say the least.

When i spoke to him last week and asked if he was going to come to her party, he said he didnt know if "we" will make it to the party, but "we" may come up on the Monday instead. I think he sees them spending time with DD here, but i really dont want her in my house. I see her as scum of the earth for various reasons which i would happily list but feel i am waffling already. I have no desire to have him back, if it wasnt for the kids i wouldn't have anything to do with him, i have no respect for either of them, but tolerate him to try to do right by the kids. But does this mean i have to have her in my home???

AIBU????

OP posts:
piratecat · 09/11/2008 11:03

How do 'they' plan on getting to you, does she drive?

In this instance, if they come on the monday they should rign the doorbell, collect dd and go somewhere.

My ex's other half doesn't come in, altho i am sure she'd like too.

Tortington · 09/11/2008 11:04

you aren't the only mumnsetter who drives ther children to see ther dad, and quite frankly this concept is an anathema to me.

if he wanted to see the children he would make the effort. i certainly wouldn't go out on a limb to try and enable him to be a good father , all that makes you - is whqt you already ae - a good mother.

you do not have to have her in your home, quite frankly i would find it strange having her in my car.

i think the whole driving the kids to see him business is a rubbish

HRHSaintMamazon · 09/11/2008 11:04

tell him to come to the party as arranged.
do not do the driving for him, there is plenty of methods of tyransport...how does he get around every other day of the week?

it's time he grew up. if he wants a relationship with his daughter then he needs to pull a finger out and do what it takes

shinyshoes · 09/11/2008 11:07

Y most certainly are not BU

Make it perfectly clear you don't want her in your house. Don't waffle or make excuses make it perfectly clear she is not welcome.

It's your house you can have who you like in there. Also make it clear that if she does come that she will not, under any circumstances, be allowed in so he better not bring her otherwise it could well end up causing a scene and it will upset DD.

You need to be strong and clear about this and stick to it. If she were to turn up and you let her in out of being put in a position then DD will pick up on the atmosphere and that wouldn't be nice at all for her.

KatieDD · 09/11/2008 11:07

No he can take them to a playbarn, a local cafe whatever, I'd be surprised if she had the nerve to come into your house, that would take some cheek.

shinyshoes · 09/11/2008 11:09

BTW why are you ferrying the children around. Can't he get a train, bus, any mode of transport. Don't do it. If he really wants to see them he'll make the effort and find a way.

LadyLaGore · 09/11/2008 11:14

i think yabu

its your 6yo dd's b'day. he isnt around often. grin and bear it for her sake.

Ronaldinhio · 09/11/2008 11:20

you have your reasons for not wanting this woman in your house and you haven't mentioned them here so therefore yanbu

however, if she (the ow)has been around for a while it might make sense that you have dealings with her in a controlled way so as not to upset the children.

ultimately she did you a favour in ending a crappola marriage and freeing you up to fly into a much better relationship

if she really bothers you then ignore the last bit

Original poster
PatienceRequired · 09/11/2008 11:21

God i love you lot!!
Thank you so much, i have felt like i'm a witch for feeling the way i do, and have wasted so many hours worrying that i am being unreasonable.
My partner sees my point but thinks i should just accept that she is part of his life and therefore part of theirs. I understand that but dont want her in my home.

Re transport, i have no idea how they plan on getting here. He dosent do public transport, and to get anywhere other than the pub is fraught with difficulties, he just dosent do it. Neither of them drive. If they did manage to get there it simply would not enter his head to organise a method of taking them out to playbarn cafe etc.

I drive the kids to them because i want to help them have a good relationship with their dad, although he does sweet fa to make this happen. The last time the stayed at his, he didnt take them out of the house once, they were there for 5 nights!!!
I also value the break every now and then so the journey seems worth it, although i hate it and it never takes me just 2 hours, more like 3.5 with a baby sat in the back.

Also if they did somehow manage to get here and take the kids out, that leaves me spending no time with dd on her birthday.....

OP posts:
IneedacleanerIamalazyslattern · 09/11/2008 11:23

I have been thinking about this recently as the time will come at some point in some wa for me and exdp. I am seeing someone new who has a son and I have my own 2.
There is a bit of strain from new man and I's ex's and I KNOW this issue is going to come up in one way or another. I know how hard it is going to be but I think I would have to just grin and bare it for the childrens sake really after all it is for them and I also think it sends a good message to the children themselves if I am seen to be kind of onside with exp and his ne gf if that makes any sense.

RubyRioja · 09/11/2008 11:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RubyRioja · 09/11/2008 11:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
PatienceRequired · 09/11/2008 11:26

Lady galore, you are the first yabu response, and in it you say HE isn't around often. I would accept him in the house, but he said "we" and my problem lies with having to welcome her. Also if he isn't around often and never has the crap bits of parenting, why should he come on her birthday and have all the glory.
Obviously i would allow him in the house if he did come but surely you can see my point??

OP posts:
Original poster
PatienceRequired · 09/11/2008 11:29

Ronaldinhio,
Do you really think stating the reasons would make me less unreasonable? If so i am happy to list them, just didnt want to waffle ....

OP posts:
Original poster
PatienceRequired · 09/11/2008 11:32

I get the grin and bear it message, but, in my home?? I am civil to her when i drop them off, but she is of no benefit to my children.

And if they take her out as you suggest ruby then that means i spend no time with dd on her birthday other than the mundane necessary bits, of school run, etc.

OP posts:
RubyRioja · 09/11/2008 11:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
PatienceRequired · 09/11/2008 11:40

Ronaldinhio, just reread your post and have seen you put a yanbu, i read yabu the first time, apologies.

I have often said she did me a favour of sorts, so you are spot on there,

OP posts:
Original poster
PatienceRequired · 09/11/2008 11:44

Great idea Ruby,

So my new approach is, come to the party or else you can come to see her another day but we have plans made for after school on Monday, what other day would suit you, and where do you plan taking them? ( I strongly suspect there wont be another suitable day)

Does that sound acceptable?

OP posts:
mamadiva · 09/11/2008 11:46

Do you even need to ask? YAdefinatelyNBU!

We had a similair situation with my mum and
-spermdonor-- dad a few years back.

They split when I was 3 because he was having an affair with a 14YO anyway I saw them once or twice after that but they 'couldnt be arsed with the hassle' so never saw him again until I was 14 wen had to get him to consent to me chnaging my name on my passport.

Anyway he comes to the house with his wife and the 2 of them sat quite happily talking to me asking what I'd been up too and then when the woman said her name she realised that she was the little girl he'd been having an affair with cheeky shite I thought so my mum put them both out and told him he had a bloody cheek bringing the tart woman who broke up my mum and dad along to a reunion for us!

Needless to say he was not amused

Millarkie · 09/11/2008 11:56

Could you just say that the 'invitation' is for the Sunday and you will be busy on the Monday. Surely it's not his choice to say 'we may come up Monday' and expect you to drop your plans.

Original poster
PatienceRequired · 09/11/2008 12:08

You are absolutely right Millarkie, it shouldnt be his choice but that is my weakness, doing things to suit everyone else. So now, strengthened by all you lovely people, i feel a lot more able to say "actually no, you cant come on the Monday, will you be able to make her party or not?"

OP posts:
Millarkie · 09/11/2008 12:14

Sounds like a good plan PT!

StewieGriffinsMom · 09/11/2008 12:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster
PatienceRequired · 09/11/2008 14:26

WRT not driving the kids to his...it isn't a straightforward route on public transport. I know that most parents would do anything for their children but this man also has another child that he didnt see for over three years, and he only lived around the corner. He really isnt good enough to be my childrens dad but i obviously didnt know that at the time. So i kind of work on the theory that he is their dad, and even if he is a shite one they need to see him and slowly realise that rather than never see him and idolise an imagined wonderful man. Its bad enough that they think hes great as he buys them carp, feeds them rubbish and never disciplines them, while i insist on good behaviour, doing homework brushing teeth, and also running a house so not spending all day long letting them do what they want and mostly watching tv with them. (which he does) ( carp tv at that)

On one hand i wish he would never contact them again but can only imagine that this would be detrimental to their psychological health. On the other i do enjoy the break when he does have them. I just wish he was a better dad. Regardless i know i have no right to stop him seeing them but he really would never make the effort to see them unless i drove them.
Dont think i can win this one...

OP posts:
Heated · 09/11/2008 14:35

at carp!

Oh, btw, YANBU

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