Ok let me respond as well as i can to your various posts....i was trying to answer you all individually but my anwers seem to cover a few of you at a time.
Note this has ended up a very long post, please bear with me
First of all i cant help but wonder if Lou33 and i may have the same exh!! this is exactly what he is like. If i didn't drive the kids to him, it would be my fault that he never saw them. (In his opinion)
While i agree with the theory that he should make the effort, he won't! He only saw them once in 17 months until i started driving them. And even that one time it was me doing the transport!
LadyLaGore, firstly apologies for mistyping your name earlier, for some reason i have always read your name as Galore, and it is only now i notice it is in fact LaGore!!
I absolutely Do Not want my daughter to be affected by my feelings wrt her dad or the ow. I agree wholeheartedly that she is an innocent bystander in all this. Hence i do all the ferrying. I also give objective answers to her when she asks
Her:"why hasn't daddy phoned yet when he said he'd phone 2 weeks ago?
Me:"Perhaps he's really busy at work darling!"
Her: "Why dosent daddy come to my special class assembly?"
Me:"He cant get here beacuse he dosent drive"
Her: "Why dosent he get a bus?"
Me: "I don't know, perhaps you could ask him the next time you talk to him" etc etc
I would also like to clarify that my problem is with letting her into the house. If they both come to her party then that is fine, i'll be civil and involve them.
However if he comes to the house on her birthday, she will be all daddy's girl and i would like to be able to have some time to make her feel special on her birthday. Again i clarify, if he did come i would let him in and involve him, but its the classic thing of her knowing i am here all the time and therefore i wouldn't get a look in if he did come, so i would rather he didn't. But i can see that i cant stop him because of my feelings.
If OW came with him it would be even worse as not only would i feel uncomfortable in my own home, but i would get less of a look in, and while that may seem childish, she is my daughter, not hers. I gave birth to her and have done the hard graft of rearing her this far. This woman has taken her daddy away and banned my children from her house when they first got together. FGS she knew me and the kids before she got with him so how could she make that stand. Of course he, being as spineless as he is, accepted her ban!!! Why should she deny me some special time with DD?
I also cant help but feel that she would somehow contaminate the house if she came. She was riddled with std's, and having to be treated for all of them at the time was bad enough without her being in my home now. Naturally DD would want to show her, her bedroom etc, so she will be all over the house. She is mentally unstable and DD often comments that she spent so much time crying/screaming etc. So we would all be on tenderhooks in case she was going to kick off! She looks like a druggie, (really!, i thought it was just me being bitchy, so said nothing to anyone about my impression, but 3 other people have said the same thing to me!)and i only hope it is medication that makes her look that way rather than illegal drug use. They also both smoke and promise that they smoke outside while kids are there but the kids always reek of it when they come home. I have to wash all clothes and bath kids asap. i cant be doing with that smell in my house, apart from not liking it i have a baby too.
I agree that we adults should do the best for the kids, so that they are unaffected by our differences. My partner's parents split up over 24 years ago and his mum is so bitter still, it causes problems at every family get together. In no way do i want this for my children. My partner was married, and has two grown up children with her, and we all rub along together great. She has taken my children out to park both on her own, and with us before, we go for a drink, i visited her in hospital on my own, after she had an op, we do favours for each other, so i understand that it dosent have to be nasty and spiteful. But i like his wife, and we probably would be friends had we met by any other means. I dont like OW, didn't like her before they got together. However for the kids sake, i am civil when i drop them off, i say hello etc despite wanting to gouge her eyes out. If she came to the party i would be civil, but i dont want her in my home.
So purple lost princess, i can relate to your situation, but they can come to the party surely. Re transport There is no hope of him learning to drive, he promised me this for 8 years and never did anything about it. He has also just been made redundant so now will have no funds for anything. (I fear the meagre maintainance may cease soon!)
Your question re the relationship between DD and OW is quite relevant i think. My DD likes her, in the way that 5 year olds like anyone who lets them do what they want. She spends one to one time with her and dosent have to worry about running a house at the same time, with a baby, or school runs, homework, cooking dinner etc. I cant compete with that, which is why i see her birthday as an important time for me to spoil her (in terms of time rather than ££ IYKWIM)
Everyone assures me that as kids in similar situations grow up they realise how crap the dad(in this sit) are, and i yearn for that day. I get "daddy said he'd buy me that,(he dosent), or she did this with me, why dont you change your hair like hers? (Shes a minger!) It drives me insane inside, but is 14 the age of realisation or did your son realise before now??
You also ask what my daughter would like to happen, again very relevant...
Yesterday we wrote a list of who she would like to invite to her party, and she listed half the class, as they do. We talked about how many would be a good number and reduced it. About an hour later she asked if we could write a list of grown-ups to come, so we did. I expected them to be top of the list! She wanted to invite me and my partner, his 2 children, and her godmother! She never mentioned her dad or ow. I think because she is so used to only seeing him at his, the thought never entered her head. Its like she has compartmentalised his life to just his house.
He phoned yesterday, (8 days after he told dd he would) and i told him i had booked the party and what time it was. He didn't really want to know the details, and when i asked if he was coming he said he didn't know. To be honest i would be amazed if he got here, but if he suggests that they come on the Monday i am going to say we have made plans, therefore not banning her from the house and making an issue. It is bound to be such a rare issue that that should deal it for now.
I really appreciate your responses, and POV'S, and welcome any more...I am sorry to hear how a similar issue has affected so many of you in a negative way, i endeavour to prevent that happening to my children but feel i shouldnt have to make all the sacrifices. It takes two after all