to take the DCs and leave DH even though his behaviour has improved?

[CozIveAdEnough]

The temper and swearing continues but the outbursts are less frequent, the casual slapping the children for no real reason continues....

Now our DCs are copying him - why wouldn't they? They think it's normal behaviour!

I can't forget what has gone before despite his attempts to improve I feel like we are all just waiting for the next outburst.

will be back later to the verdict.

Oh yes.....just to add - I'm not a troll

Why would it all kick off?

"Casual slapping" continues....
No YANBU - get out.
I cant imagine anyone here or in RL will think you unreasonable.
Good luck to you and the children.

VT - because the AIBU threads usually do IME.

Surely more than one person on MN has an opinion?

I know the OP isn't very detailed but it's a general summary.

Can't check this once he gets home from work - think he'll want to discuss tonight and I want to get a few general opinions.

Does his temper make you fear for yourself and the children?

I cant advise you to leave him, only you know if that is the right thing to do, but it doesnt sound like a good relationship

'Casual slapping' sounds horrendous. My dad had a terrible temper, tho wasn't violent and I spent my childhood frightened in case he had an outburst and walking around on eggshells.

The temper, the swearing and the fact that he is violent with it would make me pack my bags.

Good luck xx

Thanks

Not the first time I have posted about him tbh.

Yes, he scares me and the DCs but that is because of what he has done in the past (not that long ago though - a month or so maybe). He has improved an awful lot but I cannot forget certain things - a bit like a previously abused woman who cowers to protect herself if a man innocently raises his arm to her I guess. How am I supposed to forgive someone who has told my children to F off on numberous occassions or who has shaken and dropped my baby onto a sofa because he wriggled too much?

So he is making an effort but I'm not sure I can forget. I don't trust him. Gut instict is to get away - at least for a while to see if I can forget and see if he really has changed but tbh I honestly feel that people don't really change.

Sorry - rambling.

that sounds bloody awful...you should absolutely get your kids away from this man.

Leave him. You can't risk him hurting the DC. IF you think he's worth persevering with and he's trying, then you still need time away.
IN fact, if he really is remorseful and is really addressing his abusive behaviour then he should be moving out of the family home, not you and the DC. He is the person who is in the wrong. He should be the one who is inconvenienced, not you.

Thanks, I want to go, at least for a while but I feel so guilty about doing so now he seems to be improving. It doesn't seem fair on him but I really need a break to work things out. Seems a bit cruel to me. DCs seem happy enough atm

You want to go now BECAUSE he has improved and that has given you space to breathe and think things through without being frightened all the time. You were probably in survival mode before. It is hard to go when in the middle of these things, I know.

solidgoldbrass is right he should leave and if he really is addressing his behaviours then he will understand why.

ALmummy - you must know! - that is exactly how it is. I was too busy holding everything together to go before. Thanks for that

No problems. Thats why it winds me up when I see abused women being told to "leave, I would!", not particularly on here but everywhere. You can't bloody leave you are too busy trying to survive and protect your children. You are in a position of immense stress and your mind does not allow you to think beyond your immediate survival. It is purely an animal thing.

Your term "casual slapping", summed up what you and your dc have been going through. Be careful when you go though, there is every chance he could turn back again at that point.

CozIveadEnough. Now you've got some time to think. Plan, Plan Plan your exit. Put important documents in a safe place (maybe some elses house) Look for advice from refuge and citizens advice. Be careful. Police can give advice but if they know that the a child is being harmed they make take things out of your hands. To be fair to them, everyone needs them to be safe. But I'm not in your shoes. It would be better if he leaves so you can see if his behaviour improves or he causes you more problem and then you can take the next step. Take small steps so you can manage them. Give your self small treats every time you have to do something emotionally heavy. (I hope that makes sense) God bless and good luck

I agree. Get important documents and a couple of changes of clothes round a friend's house and pick your moment. Maybe arrange for the kids to be somewhere else and you wait for him to talk making sure a friend is parked somewhere down the road to make sure you're okay and nothing happens. It all sounds overly cautious but you never know, and you often hear horrible stories..... Good luck and much love x

Asked him to go last night - he refused then told DCs this morning 'nasty mummy wants me to leave you'

I'm going to be blunt, however i don't believe i'm saying anything untoward.

You describe your husband shaking a baby and dropping him/her onto a sofa because it wriggled, you describe "casual slapping of the children for no reason" but then reiterate that things have improved?

Lady, your children are not "happy enough*" at the moment and they are at risk.

If one parent cannot or will not protect them as children and nurture them and give them a safe home to grow up in then it is up to the other parent to take the children out of that situation and make a decent life for them.

And before anyone posts to tell me that i know nothing of physical and emotional abuse and what it does to self esteem etc, let me tell you that my ex partner had a court order issued barring him from making contact ith dd andmyself due to the physical and emotional abuse he inflicted on us.

totally agree with newspirits

casual slapping of your DCs , shaking and dropping a baby deliberately is just unforgiveable.

i would be packing up and leaving, or better still making him leave and seeing a lawyer quick smart

The only question I have is why the hell didn't you leave him the minute he shook your baby - he could have caused serious injury - what a terrible man. To be honest, unless there has been a miracle turn around i think you owe it to your children to leave him and restrict access.

Then you leave. I agree that you have to separate yourself from this man.

A friend of mine waited til DH was out of the house, packed all his stuff and put it in the car and changed the locks. He was an emotionally abusive bully, but hadn't done anything physical, and this could have gone horribly wrong.

Is there anywhere you could go to get away for a few days to give yourself some perspective, thinking time and a bit of respite for the kids?

he sounds dangerous to me. wouldn't give him a change to relapse, the casual slapping and dropping babies is very worrying.