Children walking to school alone: what age is reasonable?

[gabygirl]

Name change regular here. I'm in a mega stew this morning. Basic story:

I've been letting dd1 (9 and a half) walk the 600 yards to school these last few weeks. I watch her from the upstairs window and direct her across the first 3 roads. There's one more to cross at the back of the school that I can't see her cross. Between me losing sight of her as the road turns a corner and the school gates is about..... 300 yards.

Last night ds2 (3) was vomiting on and off through the night. He got up this morning and was sick again. Face gray. Phoned friend and asked if she could drop ds1 (5) at school (same school as dd, but dd goes in 20 minutes earlier) as didn't want to hang around at with a vomiting child, or have to carry ds2 there - my back won't cope and he won't walk.

With some misgivings (don't feel entirely comfortable but had to make a decision in a hurry) decided to let dd walk ds1 round to my friends house, which is directly opposite the school. There is a lollipop man to see them across and we do this route twice a day so they're familiar with it. DD asks if she can knock for her friend on route to school, as she does every morning.

So - off dd and ds go, watched by me until they disappear out of sight. Go downstairs to find ds2 on the pot with the shits. Just as I'm wiping his bum the phone goes. It's dd's friend's mum, furious, telling me she 'doesn't appreciate' me expecting her dd to 'take responsibility' for my ds, that I shouldn't have let my dd walk her brother to my friend's house, and that both my children had now been taken to school by another mum from dd's class who just happened to be passing but decided to put in her tuppence.... She said my children had gone off crying after this other mum had slagged me off in front of them and called me 'stupid'.

So. I phone friend who'd offered to take ds in , thank her for her offer of help and tell her that ds2 is now already at school. I phone other passing mum who took my children in. She promptly apologises for making them cry then tells me she's going in to my dd's classroom to talk to her teacher about why dd's crying. At this point I completely lose my cool and say 'no - you're not doing that - I don't want you interfering any more'. I then phone back dd's friends mother and ask why she didn't phone me in the first place if she wasn't happy instead of making a decision on my behalf and then joining in with another mum to criticise my parenting choices. She put the phone down on me.

Now dreading turning up at the school gate to collect children as have no doubt been labelled by other mothers as irresponsible, feckless idiot. I think I was already labelled thus anyway, as have been spotted in the past with a child in a pushchair with no shoes on in April. Plus my children's hair isn't always brushed very well.

So - who's unreasonable here?

Oh go on - please ladies!

I've got a bit confused about the precise sequence of events and why other mothers are hissy fitting all over the place but 9yo seems perfectly reasonable age for a child to walk 600 yards to school self-supervised and, provided the 5yo isn't a bolter, can also take him with her on the odd occasion. Mutter darkly about helicopter parenting if they try anything at the school gates.

Personal opinion is that the other mothers are being a little bit precious. I walked to school with older sister from the age of 5 and am still here to tell the tale.
They are your children and if you feel that they are old enough and responsible enough its your choice!

Agree - IMO the other mothers were being too precious and you have every right to be narked off with them for upsetting your kids. Assuming 9yo is sensible definately okay for her to walk alone, and assuming same of 5yo... think it was odd of other parents to intervene.

If I was 'another mum' in this situation I might possibly have stopped them to ask why you weren't there if you usually were, and then keep an eye on them if I thought something was wrong - but would not make them change the plans you had arranged.

Don't know what you can say in the playground really! They will think they are right and you will think you are.

Other mothers in hissy fit because dd(9) was walking ds(5) around to my friend's house (which is opposite the school).

My five year old is in no way a bolter - he's a sensible, shrewd little boy.

cookinmama - my view is that 95% of the children in the world of dd's age are probably expected to take responsibility for younger siblings at times and are better off for it. Personally I think that UK parents are incredibly paranoid and that our children are some of the most irresponsible on the planet as a result.

lalalonglegs - what's 'helicopter parenting'? Sounds fascinating!

YANBU.

Outrageous behaviour in front of children. If they had a problems they should have spoken to you about it calmly alone. Not sure why they did have a problem.#

But why did DD's friends mum get upset. Surely it wasn't her who was being asked to look after DS#1? And what a pita having to drop the children at different times.

Helicopter parenting is hovering constantly over your children.

Like cookinmama, I was walking home alone from school by about 8yo (mile and half, south London, several busy roads) with younger brother. Your dd will be in secondary school soon which will probably be much longer journey and it is better that she is confident enough to do that alone - or do her classmates' parents propose to take them there as well ? You are doing nothing wrong and, personally, I can't wait until dd1 is 8 or 9 and able to walk similar distance to her school without me but with ds1 and dd2.

no shoes in April !!

only kidding

sounds like YANBU, i let dd1(8.5) walk the last 200yards to the school gate, after seeing her accross the roads, kids need there independence

Gabygirl, I feel for you! I think its perfectly alright to let a nearly 10 year old walk to school alone and occaisionally take along her 5year old brother. Like you say you are their mother and you use your own judgement as to whether they would be sensible about it or not, and you had an emergency anyway! (I walked to school alone through our village as a child from the age of 6 and so did all the kids, ourmums neer gave it a second thought!)

My 2 closest friends are both VERY over-protective parents who allow their sons absolutey no independance whatsoever! (make their sons wear exacly same clothes as brothers, not allowed to be left at a birthday party, walked practically to the school desk every day etc). My son, who at 6 is the same age as my friends' children, is far more independent and "streetwise" than theirs, having been playing out with the other kids in our car-free close since he was 4. Of course my friends think i am dreadful "what about paedophiles"? etc etc...

I would just ignore the other mothers in the playground for a while. Avoid at all costs having any kind of argument with them there, in public! Keep your head down and the whole thing will blowover soon enough anyway! x

Most of the 9 year olds at our school walk there on their own.

I wouldn't let a 5 year old walk around on their own though but I'm not sure I understand your post properly.

I reckon yanbu and the other mothers were being vile.

If the little one is ill like that again, just send him to school with your dd 20 minutes late. Send her with a note explaining why. You do not have to explain your actions to any one else and if once a year your dd is late for school it's certainly not the end of the world.

Don't ask these women for anything ever again, or draw attention to illnesses.

When you go down the school at 3 you'll just have to brazen it out.

Tomorrow, some other poor bitch will be the object of their vitriol and you'll be forgotten.

YANBU. I would tell those mum's to mind their own business.

To cast aspersions and make judgements of other people without knowing the circumstances, to ride roughshod over other people's arrangement and suborn their children to your will is frankly outrageous.

Go on the offensive; don't wait for either of them to say something to you. To your dd's friend I would say innocently, "you know, I had arranged for them to get to school quite safely". To the other, it was none of her business and ask her not to interfere again until she'd got her facts straight (don't excuse yourself under any circumstances - your arrangements were fine).

I couldn't understand all your post but get I think the gist of it. The other mothers are being horrible. I notice that neither of them, said they would pick the children up for you as your other ds is ill.

It sounds as though the other mums got their knickers in a twist. A 9yr old should be able to escort a 5yr old to another house a few hundred yards away without a huge amount of surveillence . My sister is 2.11yrs older than me and we were packed off by our Mum to take ourselves to school over a busy road (still no Lollipop people) when I was about 8 and Jo was 11. Ok, 8 isn't 5 but your friend knew to expect them. If she was really worried, she could have walked round to meet them half-way. It's a shame your daughter had her bit of responsible elder sister work dissed by the other adults .

Yanbu. Needs must as the devil drives -- you had a sick child, you know your children, you did your best, deep down you knew it was safe.

The other mothers are being too judgmental. Don't get upset, have courage and confidence. You're alright!

Seems reasonable to me. As distance is very short and you do know that DD is perfectly able to do it. I do let DD1 (9) take DS2,3 (7and 4) to the little park at the top of our road which includes 1 not busy street crossing; and believe me I am not the sort of mum who does not care what their DCs are up to. Definitely agree with you about giving children little respnsabilities you know they can cope with. It does make them more confident.

What is being VERY UNREASONABLE is other mums slagging you off in front of your children. I fail to see how it helps the situation.

When I was little (I agre it felt safer then)but, neverthelees, we used to be shown the way to school for the first couple of days and then we were expected to walk on our own. Mums new each other and look out their windows. If something was not looking right, they would have done something about it(like telling off boisterous ones or help after a fall...) At no point would they ever criticise oneanother, just showing concern. "It takes a village to raise a child" my mum used to say. She was so right.

Anyway, YANBU!

My ds in Yr 4 9(8) walks to school on some days and home from school on most days. He crosses one small road with no lollipop, two roads with lollipop ladies and one large road with traffic lights.

This is still a little unusual for his school and age, but by Yr 5 many children do it, by Yr 6 probably the majority.

I would expect other parents to help if he had a problem, but to leave him alone if he doesn't- and this is indeed what happens.

YANBU - DS1 (just turned 8) walks up the road to school on his own, there's a road to cross at the top, but it's got a pedestrian crossing and is always heaving with other parents.

This morning I was still in my PJ's (still am actually ) as I stayed up to see Obama voted in, DS2's (nearly 5) infant school is next door (literally) to my house - there was no way in hell I was going to manage to change DS3's nappy and get myself sorted to leave the house for 30 seconds (literally) to walk him out of my gate and into the next gate - so I let him go on his own. (and must confess has let him do this once or twice before during last half term). I wouldn't have let DS1 do it at that age - as I wouldn't have trusted him to go straight into the school gates and into the school -

You know your children, you had difficult circumstances this morning, the other parents sound like they're interferring busy bodies

And I often see children of the age of 9/10 walking younger siblings a short distance. Why ever not?

And if I did need a hand from another Mum, I'm sure the ones around here would lend it without the aggro.

So no, you're not BU.

At just under nine years old my daughter was leaving the house alone (because I was driving my son to his bus stop 6 miles away) and putting herself on the school bus, 20 yards up the road. She is a sensible little thing and I would have trusted her to take care of any younger siblings.

Be glad you've got sensible children and are giving them their independence. YANBU.

I think the behaviour of the other parents was awful. However I dont know the roads/area or how your son would behave in this situation so cant comment on the decision about them walking to your friends house.
Knocking on someone else's door on the way (to collect another 9 year old friend to walk with them and cross another road and drop off your DS before going to school?) was probably best avoided without checking first - if my DD's friend turned up with her 5 year old brother and expected my DD to accompany them to someone else's house over different roads etc before going to school then I might well say no although I wouldnt start calling you up and being nasty about it.

Think it depends if they have big roads to cross. One mum told me yesterday that an 8-year old boy had once ran out between two parked cars in front of her car and she had hit him. Turns out his mates were on the other side and he wanted to catch up with them. Some kids are daft, others are quite sensible. Most 9-year olds don't have a goos sense of speed (apparently develops around age of 12), but if you are certain that they can get across the road safely (pedestrian crossings and such) and know what to do in certain emergency situations - I don't see why not.