to not want to spend Christmas Day at my Jewish sis-in-law's house?

[scampadoodle]

DH isn't religious, I am lapsed Catholic. His sister is fairly observant (ie she probably wouldn't eat at our house cause we're not kosher). We've been invited to her house on Christmas Day, along with my MiL & I expect various Jewish others, all of varying degrees of observancy.

I don't want to go. DH is cool about this so that's not why I'm posting. The thing is, am I being a bit daft when it would mean I wouldn't have to do much food shopping or indeed cooking (we're away at New Year)?

My practical reasons against are:
SiL's cooking can be a bit hit & miss, & I am quite a good cook - I can drum up a tasty Christmas dinner with lots of yummy snacks etc.
Er, that's it!
My emotional reasons are:
It won't be in the least Christmassy: no tree, no daft Christmas music.
The more 'frum' people there will say "Merry Christmas" to me in a very stilted way (if you are Christian, try saying 'Happy Diwali' to someone - that's how it sounds!)

I suppose I just want a few people on here to say "You're a daft mare, but I know what you mean!"

JoyS: it's not that they 'do' Christmas as such, it's more that they use the holiday to get together - there's no tree or decorations or particular traditions. My in-laws give Hannukah presents to my DSs. It often coincides with Christmas but last year it was much earlier so they got those presents earlier. We do Hannukah candles at home but also have a tree! We call it Chrismukkah

Warthog: Wherever there may be more than one Jew in the same place at the same time, so shall there be food...It's the eleventh commandment!

Why on earth is she having a family gathering on Christmas Day?

Sorry, didn't read far enough.

LOL at scampa....all my Jewish friends certainly conform to that!

It doesn't sound very Chritmassy, and YANBU to want your dc's Christmas to be what you want it to be.
Can you pop in later in the day for an hour or so, show your face give seasons greetings, but you still have the Christmas you like?

I think I wouldn't go - I like my Christmas to be "Christmassy", and your description of SILs cooking is unappealing (Weird - kosher food doesn't have to be horrible...). You can always see them on some other day, since Christmas Day itself is not special to them.

I think I will suggest that either Dh takes the DSs over in the morning for an hour, or they come over later for a cup of tea & some cake. I would offer to host lunch but I'm really not sure what Sil & BiL would eat. Her [grown-up] kids would not even have a cup of tea at my house, they are so observant.

But how do I phrase my refusal?!

YANBU! Dont go its not fair on your DC's as another poster said could you not invite them to yours or even go Christmas night or boxing day

Well, for a start, I'd get DH to do the refusal since it's his side of the family! But I think a simple "Thank you, but we're already planning a more traditional Christmas meal here. But it would be lovely to see you on X..."

Muminscotland: yes, good idea! Re kosher food, I agree, it can be v tasty when done well (salt beef - yum!) though it's horribly fattening...

I dont blame you, sounds like it will be boring and there will be no nice yummy food treats to compensate for the stiffiness, i wouldnt want to go either, i bet they dont even get drunk and all lounge around falling asleep after dinner?

Hmmm...not really. There is wine but not masses of it. They are very nice, hospitable people but Christmas literally wouldn't be Christmas at their house!

i think it is odd (i am Jewish) and i wouldn't invite my friends for Xmas Day for precisely the reasons you state

In fact, some Frum Jews go out of their way to make Xmas day as un-Christmasey as possible

so, no, YANBU!

YANBU.

I am non-believing Anglican with a family with a strong Christmas tradition. My DP is Jewish. His parents like to see us for "Christmas" of which, IMVHO, they make a complete and utter, and very offensive (to me) hash.

Do you always spend the whole day with them Anna, & have you ever tried to get out of it?

I was thinking about the lolling about after lunch time & I wouldn't even be able to crack open a tin of Quality Street cause the chocolate's got milk in it...

(For those who don't know, if you keep kosher you can't mix milk and meat. So if you have meat for the main meal you wouldn't be able to have milk in your tea or coffee, or cream on your pud).

Well, we try to limit the damage and do "Christmas" with my (French) out-of-laws on the evening of 24th December.

I have now put my foot down and told my DP that we are never, ever going to their house again after a total fiasco last year - he now understands (he used not to) quite how offensive and depressing it is for me. So I have "told" my out-of-laws that Christmas is on me (since we do all the Jewish festivals at their house) and I will impose my own traditions etc.

And on 25th either we see my family (if we can manage to reunite everyone in France, as we did last year) and do a proper Christmas, or we do our own thing in an English way with Father Christmas etc.

I do believe that in mixed-faith families you have to let each side "do" their own festivals/traditions and not let the other side interfere.

My out-of-laws are definitely not religious and don't eat kosher etc, so it's not as bad as for you.

I've heard a traditional Jewish activity at Christmas is to go to the cinema then have a chinese takeaway, but I think that may be in the US

We'll be having a kosher Christmas dinner as we have a Jewish family member, but that mostly means having to do without the bacon rolls and chipolatas, and will otherwise be quite a traditional Christmas dinner. (Well, she also doesn't eat trifle, but other desserts are fine!)

I mean - she doesn't eat trifle after the turkey, I think she would otherwise so long as it's not got sherry or gelatine in it... I offered to try to get some non-dairy cream, but she reckons it's worse than just doing without...

Why do they want to do this?

If they really do want a family celebration and are trying to return hospitality of past years, then just for once it might be a family-necessary thing to do. One of these years, I am going to have to.. ahem..enjoy Christmas with DP's half muslim, half hindu family, who hate turkey ('dry'...'tasteless'...as it would be unless slathered on bacon or cooked in my MILs usual way with meat: par boil, roast then deep fry) who love to celebrate anything going, BUT it won't be Christmasy as I understand it.

Can you say 'why don't you do Hannukah, and we'll do christmas?'

Hannukah isn't the same kind of celebration Blu. You basically just light a candle every evening & sing a prayer. The kids get presents, & this part of it has grown as it's around Christmastime. I symapathise with your situation, by the way! I think my SiL wants to do it because she's usually away for Christmas Day (it's her birthday Boxing Day) & to be honest she is always having scads of people over for lunch throughout the year as they are very involved with their synagogue. She will probably understand completely & I am fretting about nothing.

Yeah. Cold beef and chicken at Sukkot, Scampa. Blee. I didn't enjoy it at all. Now had it been my MIL doing the food, it would have been a different story.

I have lots of Jewish friends who consider themselves Jewish but have the Christmas tree, presents on Christmas Day, lunch etc. I think they take the view that it's a great time of year and they'll be damned if they're going to miss out on all that extra food!

There are more significant Jewish holy days that DH observes than Christian ones. I'm not Christian by the way but love Christmas! Whole other thread that one.

Meanwhile, Scampa, make your Christmas your own. One doesn't have to spend such times with anyone at all if you choose.

I basically use the excuse of totally putting my kids 1st at Christmas - they don't want to be anywhere but home surrounded by all their loot. This is why I politely rebuff the ILs offer of going to their house every year (and I don't mention their tendency to keep you starving hungry whilst they argue in the kitchen and wash everything in sight up before it has so much as touched the worksurfaces)