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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to feel upset that bil said not to buy presents this christmas for them and their children

46 replies

dmo · 01/11/2008 00:21

i prob am but i do so love giving
we dont normally buy for bil and sil just the children they have 2 and we have 2
i emailed bil (didnt want to phone as walls have ears) to ask for ideas for the children for about £30 each
he emailed back and said instead of us buying £60 of stuff they dont need and him buying £60 of stuff mine wont need dont bother this year.
i get his point but just feel the children (aged 9 and 11) will think their aunt is a meany
i have said to my boys uncle x and aunty x are not buying presents this yr so the £60 i was going to use for x and x you can have to buy clothes/trainers in the sale which my boys were happy about but i know bil wont do that with his children.

OP posts:
AnotherFineMess · 01/11/2008 00:23

We have agreed similar with BIL & SIL but are going on an outing instead - eg panto, safari santa etc. Could you suggest something similar so that your DCs all get lovely memories of the day spent together?

VinegarTits · 01/11/2008 00:29

YABU maybe they are struggling finacially.

£30 is a lot to spend imo, my nieces and nephews get a tenner each, its not the value that matters its the thought, and also why would you tell your dc that they are not getting presents from their uncle and give them £60 to spend on themselves instead? thats ridiculas, you might as well as just told them , your uncle is a mean old fucker who doesnt want to buy you presents, when thats not really the case is it? you sound very money orientated

Kids get so much they probably wouldnt have even noticed if they didnt get presentd from your db

Or why didnt you just suggest to your db that you only spend £10-£15 on presents instead of £30?

Sazisi · 01/11/2008 00:30

Aw, I know what you mean but you have to respect their wishes
Lots of people are feeling the pinch right now, and if you get something for their kids they will feel crap
My sil always goes ott on gifts for my kids, so I always feel like I have to reciprocate and always end up feeing guilty anyway because we have 3 kids and she has one..
I would appreciate their honesty, and just enjoy Christmas..if you spend time with their dc over Christmas you just make a big effort to really enjoy that time, play monopoly/organise finger painting or whatever they enjoy and they'll remember that more than anything material

S1ur · 01/11/2008 00:30

That's a really nice idea AnotherFine.

It is nice to have a memory instead of another toy they prob won't play with!

Original poster
dmo · 01/11/2008 00:31

have done this before but sil never wants to join in so its normally me on my own with 4 children which is lovely but...........
all the boys go to school together so see loads of each other but a lovely day out would be fab

maybe they have money issues and cant afford to spend

OP posts:
hatrickortreat · 01/11/2008 00:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

MarmadukeScarlet · 01/11/2008 00:37

TBH I'd be more worried that they were in serious financial difficulties than the fact I wouldn't get the reflected pleasure of giving them a gift.

Aero · 01/11/2008 00:50

Agree with Marmaduke and would be concerned about financial difficulty as is our case.

We're not in a position to reciprocate with presents for siblings children this year and we wouldn't be able to help feeling bad about it if they were to give our children presents and we were thought of as mean by their children (which wouldn't be the case I'm sure as my nephews and neices are lovely), but you get my meaning.

I love AFM's idea though.

AnotherFineMess · 01/11/2008 00:57

What we are actually doing for their no-present-treat is hiring out our local fun pool for an hour (exclusive use of pool with flumes, wave machines, rapids etc) with a party upstairs in a function room above afterwards (mince pies etc). It's only £120 so we've invited other families whose children we usually buy for and it's working out at £20 per family for a great Crimbo outing that I hope they'll remember for ages.

We're planning to take loads of pics that we can put in family album to talk about in years to come, and perhaps make an annual tradition of something similar. Looked at loads of other ideas, like candlelit Christmas Carol parties at local stately homes, narrowboat cruises - loads to do that should get you all in the festive mood without breaking the bank.

Howdie · 01/11/2008 00:58

I agree with vinegartits (love the name!! lol).

£30 each is a lot to spend on someone else's kids, fine if you've got it but it sounds as if perhaps your b/sil may be struggling financially.

I think kids do get FAR too much these days (bah humbug!) and I would be delighted if my in laws suggested similar to yours. My DH is one of five siblings and they ALL buy for each other - adults/spouses/children alike. A couple of years ago I put my foot down and said we were only going to buy for children under 16 in the family. This reduced my present buying for non-direct family from 21 people to buy for down to 3 - far more sensible. Of course, I'm sure I was labelled by the others as the mean s-i-l but I don't give two hoots. I know at least one of my s-i-l secretly wishes she had the courage to do the same.

sitdownpleasegeorge · 01/11/2008 06:26

YABVU

Your SIL & BIL have made this request for a reason, whether they want to go into the reason or not you should respect it and IMHO rejoice.

I also think you're a bit mad to have told your kids that you are, in effect, going make up for the loss of the present they normally get from their aunt and uncle.

It's also none of your business whether your BIL does the same with his children and I think its a bit bitchy to be even thinking "I know bil won't do that with his children" as if that makes you a better person by comparison. I'm sure that your BIL & SIL will have explained the whole thing to their kids as they are the parents instigating this cessation of present exchanges.

I do think it is a lovely suggestion to have an outing instead, even though your are of the opinion that your bil and sil will just send their kids and not come themselves. Isn't the "present" intended for the children anyway, not the parents ?

I do think its great that you want to foster strong family bonds between the cousins but money can't buy that, happy times together creates good bonds.

BouncingTurtleSkulls · 01/11/2008 06:38

I personally think £30 is a lot to spend on other family children. (Maybe I'm just tight!)
I typically spend £10-15 each on my 2 nieces, and their M&D spend probably a similar amount on ds & dss.
I am definitely of the "thought that counts" brigade and buy something that reflects the girls' interest (usually by asking MIL, my 2 nieces' DGM!).

I tell you what me and my NCT buddies do - there are 6 of us all with a baby boy around the same age, one of them suggested it and I thought it was a great idea. Instead of all of us buying a present for each of the boys, we're going to spend £25 on buying something we would like for our boy and say it's from all of our NCT buddies' children. So instead of getting 5 x £5 pressies each, they get 1 £25 present.
Maybe this is what you BIL meant - that you buy £60 worth of toys/clothes but explain to your dcs that those presents are for your BIL.

I do think YABU. If BIL doesn't wanto do the above, just get your BILs kids some little token presents!

malovitt · 01/11/2008 07:17

We're doing the outing thingy instead of presents as well.

About 15 of us went to the Winter Wonderland in Hyde Park last year, had a fab time so going again this year.

Kids loved it!

mumeeee · 01/11/2008 10:50

YABU. £30 is a lot to spend on nieces and nephews. We buy small presents for the nieces and nephews in our family. About £8 each. We buy for children up to 21.

Ivegotaheadache · 01/11/2008 11:59

If it really were about the giving, you could still tell your bil that you do not expect gifts from them but you'd still love to get his kids something, and then get them a token gift each.

If you spend £60 on the dc's then presumably you'd buy bil and sil something, it's adding up to about £100.
I would never spend that sort of money on my sister and her family, not because I don't love them but I just don't have that sort of money. That's why they have said what they did, they probably don't have the cash to do it this year.

And telling your dc's that they aren't getting anything from their auntie/uncle is mad! Christmas is ages away, why would you bring this up now, or even bring it up ever?!

You're not teaching your dc's that it's about the giving, you're very much teaching them that they should expect to receive.

mrsmaidamess · 01/11/2008 12:04

I am not only planning to scrap buying (and receiving) Christmas presents for my brothers and their assorted children, I'm planning on scrapping birthday gifts too! (For the adults, at least)

I can't be doing with it!

smellybunion · 01/11/2008 12:13

i agree that £30 on a pressie for each child is an awful lot....

can you email your bil back and say that you're really glad he said what he did because you're feeling the pinch, but shall you agree to put a fiver limit on the gifts so that the children don't miss out on swapping their pressies...... or something similar!

that way it lets him off the hook a bit if times are hard, and you still get to buy...

i agree too with starting a new tradition of something.... a christmas eve walk, an outing, a trip to pizza hut on the first day of the hols...whatever!

loobeylou · 01/11/2008 12:15

I think YABU, they MUST have a reason for saying this and seems most likely they are having a hard time financially - unless you have direct access to all their bills and accounts you would not know.

If you can afford to still be contemplating £30 a head on non direct family gifts, lucky you. MAny of us are not that lucky, and to say "no presents" avoids the embarrassment of you buying expensive gifts when they can only reciprocate with something cheap and cheerful (I know it's the thought that counts but some people would find this very embarrassing/upsetting)

Agree that a family treat/day out sounds like a better option

If you HAVE to give (not sure its a good idea, against their wishes, so purely for your own gratification!) have you considered vouchers for DIY or food hamper, they might really appreciate that sort of thing if they are struggling financially.

Surfermum · 01/11/2008 12:17

Maybe they simply don't have the money to do it?

If you love giving and don't want them to think their auntie is a meanie then go ahead and buy them anyway. Presents don't have to be reciprocal.

stitch · 01/11/2008 12:42

to the op
i think yabvu

FlameNPumpkins · 01/11/2008 12:45

I am really struggling this year, i can't not buy for certain people as I know they are buying for us and will be upset. It is a crappy position to be in tbh.

YABU

Blondeshavemorefun · 01/11/2008 12:54

YABU

your bil is probably worried about money as many people are,and it does seem pointless to spend £30 on each child

maybe suggest a small gift for £10 each if you reallly want to swap presents

a few friends and i have said not tobother with presents this year - kids get too much, all on one day and dont appreicate the effort and cost that goes into christmas

christmas is not about giving presents it is about celebrating the birth of jesus

YumeeMumee · 01/11/2008 12:55

YABU - they must have a good reason for saying this and you need to respect their wishes.
We did this last year as we were out of the country but found that MIL and SIL got presents for DS....made me feel bad that we hadn't got stuff.
Maybe you could do what AFM suggested or just get small token presents.

LurkerOfTheUniverse · 01/11/2008 12:58

yanbu to be upset but i understand bil pov

this will be the 2nd year running that my family haven't exchanged gifts - last year they got hit badly by the christmas savings company that went under

stitch · 01/11/2008 12:59

if you honestly want to give, and have sixty quid earmarked for their dc, then give it to them, and tell them it is a present from you to them, the adults, to do as they wish. christmas is a time of thingking of others, and that is what you should be doing. not telling your kids they can have more material stuff because their cousins cant afford any.