to feel upset that bil said not to buy presents this christmas for them and their children

[dmo]

i prob am but i do so love giving
we dont normally buy for bil and sil just the children they have 2 and we have 2
i emailed bil (didnt want to phone as walls have ears) to ask for ideas for the children for about £30 each
he emailed back and said instead of us buying £60 of stuff they dont need and him buying £60 of stuff mine wont need dont bother this year.
i get his point but just feel the children (aged 9 and 11) will think their aunt is a meany
i have said to my boys uncle x and aunty x are not buying presents this yr so the £60 i was going to use for x and x you can have to buy clothes/trainers in the sale which my boys were happy about but i know bil wont do that with his children.

Good Lord do your children really need a further £60 spending on them when you have just indulged in the most bloody expensive, consumerist give-fest of the whole year? To make up for their stingy uncle who won't waste £60 he might not have on tat they don't need.

How's this for an idea - it's Christmas so wish your BIL and his family a happy Christmas. No £60 required.

YABU.

What Vinegar said.

They may be struggling and too proud/embarrassed to admit it.

thanks everybody for your thoughts
i have ordered a book each for the children as a gift token and emailed bil to say so

But, you are still not respecting their wishes dmo. By buying the kids a book, you are putting them in the postion that they HAVE to buy for yours.

Agree with nickerless - who oh why do we have to teach our kids that material gifts = love?? sigh

i'm very glad i am not on your list of recipients

By getting a book you have completely ignored your BIL who will now feel obliged to get a present for your DCs.
Why not all agree to have a day out together instead?

YWBU being hacked off but I think the book thing is fine, whatever your brother wnats to do in respect of your children is up to him just out of curiosity what will you think if he still gets nothing for your kids?

YABU, Presents are such a big deal, but te true meaning of christmas isn't about presents.

agree with the others incl disrespecting his wishes.

we spend £10 on each others LO's approx - i'd love to do more but can't afford it.

I think the idea of a panto sounds fab tbh. or a day in a theme park in the summer hols.

yabvu.

Am I the only one who thinks presents aren't reciprocal? I've often given presents to people at Christmas without expecting something in return. And with friends/relatives who we know can't afford to get dd or us anything we've explicitly told them not to.

I don't see why dmo can't say to her BIL that she respects his wishes but would still like to buy something, and he mustn't feel obliged to do the same.

If your BIL is struggling financially you are putting him in a difficult position because he would feel awkward if he doesn't get yours anything. I never spend more than £10 on nephews and nieces anyway-it all gets out of hand.

I wouldn't want a sibling to spend money on my DCs and tell me not to feel obliged to reciprocate-I would feel obliged.

You sound very generous £30 on your neices and nephews is quite alot. I can imagine that maybe he is reluctant to then go out and spend the same on yours.

This is the one big problem i have with Xmas, i find myself trapsing around the shops and end up wasting money on stuff that people don't really want.

I feel like doing the same actually as we are really broke so having to buy for BIL three children is a bit of a bind really. Been searching the charity shops for ILs and my DDs but can't really get away with that for BILs children, but then, why shouldnt i. Hmmmmm, ponders

Your BIL could be politely trying to say, look we have enough shite in this house please don't buy any more.

But look - heres a thought - £60x2 is £120. Could you not pool that resource and organise a really nice family day with it - everyone's a winner.

I think a family day out is the best solution-everyone can enjoy it.

I think YABU. We made a similar agreement in our family about 20 years ago, and have not regretted it for a minute. If you're giving your own kids gifts this Christmas, that's surely enough?

You don't need to be broke to do this. We're not - we just don't need anything that badly that we'll spend £30 (or whatever amount) for the sake of spending it.

I feel sorry for you. YANBU.

I have only 2 nephews and if my DB told me not to buy kids pressies and vice versa I'd be really p'd off. I love exchanging exchanging gifts at Christmas with my family. We have a really good laugh - loadsa fun! I think you should approach your BIL again and explain how you feel. If it is a shortage of cash on his part then suggest a smaller budget. I guarantee those kids dont have a clue about BIL decision on no pressies and they'll be wondering why to hell they have received nothing.

If you are together on the day then you could have something small to open. If you are not together I don't see that you need presents.

The day out thing is a good idea, although if your bil really can't afford it then he may not like to spend that money on a day out.
I know we can't at the moment so we have to choose to go places that do not cost a lot of money.
You may put him in a position again of either being mean stingy uncle by not going on day out, or going but spending money they don't have.

The book is probably fine, if they want to get your dc's something then they can get something of equal value. Just don't start buying the adults anything.