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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To meet up with an ex who I still really fancy (bit of of a long one)

42 replies

FakeGlassesAndTash · 29/10/2008 16:15

Ok - I know I'm probably being completly unreasonable, but I think I need to be told

When I had just started going out with DH (when dinosaurs roamed the earth, and DH was just a DNewBoyFriend)....) I also had a really Good Male Friend. To be honest, I really fancied them both (GMF and DNBF) but decided to stick with DNBF, partly because he was going through a tough time and I thought he needed me. Anyway, GMF and I had a brief and almost innocent fling which nomatter how hard I tried, I couldn't feel guilty about. In my defence, I was young, and it was a very new and not very serious relationship with DNBF at that point.

Fast forward a few years, and DNBF is now my DH who I adore, and we have a completely gorgeous DD. Anyway, a couple of months ago I bumped into GMF again. He works really nearby and occasionally we meet up for lunch, and I still feel just the same about him as I did way back when (ie. think he's v. attractive, a fun friend to be around, v. attractive, v. attractive....

I have absolutely no intention of cheating on DH, because I love and respect him and want to be with him, and would NEVER do anything to risk the life that we have together, and the life that I want for DD. But, is it completely wrong to meet up with GMF and get excited about seeing him, and have illicit coffee-time thoughts about him and to consider the possibility of accidentally chucking my latte over him so he'd have no option but to strip off in Starbucks to get out of his wet clothes.....

I'm having trouble seeing where the line is, and whether I've crossed it or not.

[assumes crash position ready for the rotten veg.]

OP posts:
scaryfucker · 29/10/2008 16:17

those who play with fire......

does your dh know about these lunch-time liasons meetings?

Salleroo · 29/10/2008 16:19

Sorry but IMO, line already crossed. Add some alcohol to the equation,then a quick kiss, next time a little more then a kiss....

It's crap but I would advise that you stop seeing GMF. You know it's the right thing to do. It's just that the right things to do are rarely the fun option.

Rindercella · 29/10/2008 16:24

Just imagine the tables turned and your DH doing the same as you; having the same illict thoughts. I am sure you would be mortified. A while a go a good friend of mine who was with a long term boyfriend was telling me about a man she was friends with. She said 'I feel really bad about it - we even hold hands walking down the road'. I laughed and said, but holding hands is no big deal. She replied 'Rinders, imagine you saw your DH walking down the road holding hands with someone'. Right, I would be mortified. It does not have to take full blown sex to be unfaithful imo and I am afraid you are probably heading for hurt if you still harbour feelings for this man.

pingping · 29/10/2008 16:25

I agree with Salleroo

as scaryfucker said does your DH know about firstly the fling and that your meeting up with GMF as that may cause a bit of damage as well how ever innocent it is

Original poster
FakeGlassesAndTash · 29/10/2008 16:28

I do tell DH whenever we meet up, but obviously I haven't filled him in on my chuck-a-latte plans . I do see your point Salleroo about a drink or two and then what, but I guess if I start drinking at lunchtime, I'll be back on here posting about a whole new issue!!

OP posts:
Marne · 29/10/2008 16:32

Keep away, its not woth the hastle.

Buckets · 29/10/2008 16:32

YABU, part of marriage is to put away childish things, like gorgeous exes. Your fling in the past and how it makes you feel is not relevant.
If your DH is the most important man in your life and truly your other half then you'll want to protect him from any potential discomfort.
You are getting fantasy and reality confused too, you need to step back and imagine all the ickiness and guilt that would come after the big o. The bits that nobody fantasises about. You have the advantage here of being female - generally we are better at seeing the fantasy/reality divide than men.

Original poster
FakeGlassesAndTash · 29/10/2008 16:34

PingPong - no - he never knew about the fling, and I wouldn't tell him now. Of course I'd be gutted if my DH felt like this about some other woman, but (and before I start, this is a completely lame attempt at self justification) if he behaved like me in EVERY respect (ie. running the house, dealing with all the bills and childcare, remembering all of his family's and friends' birthdays, doing all the shopping...) I'd probably think I had a good deal, notwithstanding the odd illicit thought!

OP posts:
Buckets · 29/10/2008 16:34

Have you got enough money/babysitters to book a naughty night/weekend away with DH?

traceybath · 29/10/2008 16:35

Boring i know but you must stop meeting him.

Way too easy to end up in another fling with him especially if it happened before even though it was a long time ago.

lulabellarama · 29/10/2008 16:40

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

Buckets · 29/10/2008 16:40

Actually whether you knew him before doesn't make a difference, it would be the same with anyone of the opposite sex that you clicked with. I had similar with a colleague once, I suddenly realised one day how obvious it must be that we were like best buddies and how it was only a matter of time before his colleagues started commenting and winding him up about it. Luckily I was just a temp so after a lot of effort to be a bit 'less fun' around him, the job came to a halt and there was no opportunity for goodbyes or contact swapping.

Saturn74 · 29/10/2008 16:40

I think you already know the answer.

You say you adore your DH, so concentrate on your marriage, and maybe inject a bit more fun into it.

Meeting up with GMF when you feel as you do about him is not fair on your DH.

pingping · 29/10/2008 16:41

Fakeglassesandtash. I would try and stay away just incase as GMF may think there is something in it.

Or tread very carefully its a hard one.

Salleroo · 29/10/2008 16:46

The innocent fling you had, did it involve sex and if so was it good sex?

If the answer to the above is yes, then you know you need to stop seeing him.

LOL a the drinking at lunchtime. Give it time, you'll be making excuses to see him after work, christmas drink etc.

wannaBe · 29/10/2008 16:47

I am going to go against the grain here.

I think fancying other men is perfectly natural. Also it's madness to suggest you never go anywhere near any man you ever might find fancyable for fear of anything happening.

You are meeting this man for lunch, with your dh's knowledge, if you started to hide this fact then it would become more inappropriate, but as long as you're not meeting for drinks after work where potential for things to happen is increased I don't think it's necessarily wrong.

wannaBe · 29/10/2008 16:49

fancying someone else only becomes "wrong" when it spills over into something more than a crush.

Saturn74 · 29/10/2008 16:57

I think fancying someone is one thing.

Rekindling a friendship with someone with whom you have already had a fling whilst you were with your current partner, is a different matter.

Original poster
FakeGlassesAndTash · 29/10/2008 16:57

Hooray WannaBe! I was hoping there'd be a more liberal minded MNer somewhere! Perhaps I'm not particularly well evolved, but at certain times of the month I find many more men than usual attractive, and to avoid them all would mean I had to take time off work! Obviously none of it is anything serious - we all like a bit of eye candy.

Salleroo - no, it didn't. Well not quite anyway

Still laughing at pingping's "tread very carefully its a hard one" comment in relation to what GMF may be thinking!

OP posts:
wabbit · 29/10/2008 17:03

I think if you have the bottle, you need to say to gmf that you have a problem seeing him as just a friend and perhaps your lunch dates should end.

There isn't often smoke without fire and he may feel similarly to you - in which case he shouldn't be meeting you for lunches.

If he's totally unaware of your feelings then at least he'll know why you no longer see him alone so much.

You don't have to lose him as a friend - just don't arrange to see eachother alone, it is, as has already been said, dangerous territory

Original poster
FakeGlassesAndTash · 29/10/2008 17:11

Hmmm, Wabbit, I think that to say that to GMF would be asking for trouble. He asked me the other day if I'd ever told DH about the fling, and I said I hadn't. I was surprised that he'd mentioned it, as we'd never spoken about it, and he obviously still thinks about it. Telling him I harbour any romantic thoughts at all would change this from being an innocent fantasy to a real issue, which is certainly not my goal!!

OP posts:
wabbit · 29/10/2008 17:21

Ah, I see, well if it's that kind of a feeling you get from your friend then...

You know what i'm going to say don't you?

Stop seeing him

It's not healthy for your marriage and not fair on your husband

I know it's not what you want to hear

Original poster
FakeGlassesAndTash · 29/10/2008 17:42

[fingers in ears] La la la la la la.....

OP posts:
Original poster
FakeGlassesAndTash · 29/10/2008 17:45

What's wrong with you all?! Where are all of the MNers who subscribe to the "get it out of your system - no one would ever be any the wiser and you'll all live happily ever after" school of thought?!

[tumbleweed....]

OP posts:
MoreSpamThanGlam · 29/10/2008 17:51

I know just where you are coming from. i really really do. and right now i wish to god i didnt. I wont go into details but to I will say this, if I was you, just please stop it now. I know your heart is pounding. I know you are looking at your phone every 2 minutes and I know that you feel amazingly young and alive again....but trust me, when you hit the curve in the road the pain is awful. Especially when its you that has to stop to prevent everyone from being hurt.

But my gosh...that feeling....