To meet up with an ex who I still really fancy (bit of of a long one)

[FakeGlassesAndTash]

Ok - I know I'm probably being completly unreasonable, but I think I need to be told

When I had just started going out with DH (when dinosaurs roamed the earth, and DH was just a DNewBoyFriend)....) I also had a really Good Male Friend. To be honest, I really fancied them both (GMF and DNBF) but decided to stick with DNBF, partly because he was going through a tough time and I thought he needed me. Anyway, GMF and I had a brief and almost innocent fling which nomatter how hard I tried, I couldn't feel guilty about. In my defence, I was young, and it was a very new and not very serious relationship with DNBF at that point.

Fast forward a few years, and DNBF is now my DH who I adore, and we have a completely gorgeous DD. Anyway, a couple of months ago I bumped into GMF again. He works really nearby and occasionally we meet up for lunch, and I still feel just the same about him as I did way back when (ie. think he's v. attractive, a fun friend to be around, v. attractive, v. attractive....

I have absolutely no intention of cheating on DH, because I love and respect him and want to be with him, and would NEVER do anything to risk the life that we have together, and the life that I want for DD. But, is it completely wrong to meet up with GMF and get excited about seeing him, and have illicit coffee-time thoughts about him and to consider the possibility of accidentally chucking my latte over him so he'd have no option but to strip off in Starbucks to get out of his wet clothes.....

I'm having trouble seeing where the line is, and whether I've crossed it or not.

[assumes crash position ready for the rotten veg.]

Hey, I'm very liberal and would love to tell you to go for it, have a good time, it's only a bit of fun.

If you suscribe to the same school of thought as me 'the ignorance is bliss one' and can keep the secret to yourself and not feel the need to 'share' with DH when your head is totally wrecked down the line. Then you have my blessings.

Go forth, spill that latte, offer to help him change his shirt and enjoy every minute of it

Noooo - stop seeing him! You're not seeing him as a friend, you're seeing him as a friend whom you had a fling with who you still fancy and are fantasising about.

From his comment about your fling he's seeing you as more than a friend too. He may even enjoy the idea of getting one up on your husband by keeping him in the dark.

Even though nothing has happened yet (this time around), I think you're almost cheating on your DH in your mind. I think there's a difference between finding someone attractive (like someone at work) and putting yourself in a position where it could really happen (like meeting up alone from time to time and discussing your fling from years ago). I think you're doing the latter.

Could you honestly believe your DH loved you, respected you, and was doing everything possible to avoid risking the life you have together if you found out he was meeting up with an ex-flame?

If you want to keep seeing this guy as a friend, why not take your husband along too? If that doesn't feel comfortable you've got to ask yourself why not.

Sorry, sounds really harsh, but one thing does tend to lead to another, and it doesn't always end happily ever after. Sometimes it ends in affairs, regret, or even broken marriages.

just my opinion, feel totally free to disagree, you know the situation better, these are just my impressions given what you've said and my own experience.

Oh dear MoreSpam - I'm sorry to hear that you've had a tricky time! You're absolutely right though - that's just how I feel and I think I'm trying to joke about a situation that could potentially not e funny at all.

Pretty much every time I'm out I see someone I know, so even if I could cheat and not feel sick with guilt (which I couldn't - v. different cheating on your DH and father to your beautiful DD than cheating on a NBF), the chances of being rumbled make it too hideous a thought to even contemplate.

You're all right, and right in an amazingly nice way. Thank you. I don't think I can suddenly stop seeing him altogether, but I will ask DH along occasionally so GMF sees us together and thinks realises I only see him as a friend, and I'll NEVER meet up with him after work (will cancel dinner tomorrow ) because the one-or-two-drinks slope is a slippery one to fall down.

ask yourself this one again and again

''Could you honestly believe your DH loved you, respected you, and was doing everything possible to avoid risking the life you have together if you found out he was meeting up with an ex-flame?''

or would you think he was a self indulgent cock,kidding himself that he was in control and hate him for needing to be flattered by someone else who was a bit tired of living in th ereal world.....thats what id think

I know it's fiction but remember Lynette Scavo and her pizza chef in Desperate Housewives? Worth a watch if you want to see someone else hash out all these feelings and how she dealt with it. It is going to break your heart a little but compared to what it could cost you...

Oh dear no. Don't. What would you think if your DH was doing exactly this in reverse? If he was fantasising about spilling coffee down someone's cleavage and helping her ever so gently wipe it off, while looking into her eyes and then a bit lower and etc etc...?

I know exactly where you're coming from. In my case, keeping it to emails only was the best decision I ever made.

Run in other direction as fast as you can. It will lead to tears otherwise.

it's all just a mirage anyway. after all those coffees he'll be rocking rampant halitosis and if you can get past that -as soon as he starts kissing you - you'll realise that your dh is an infinitely better kisser.
It's just sex. Everything else is smoke and mirrors.
Only once you do the do- even midway thru- you'll realise what you've lost. And even if you 'get away with it' and never tell dh- you'll never return your marriage to what it was before.

Tell us what you did...Im dying to know...

I bet you have not cancelled drinks...

Yes - what happened?! And just as interesting - can you be persuaded to divulge any of your story MoreSpam?!

I love MN, but the only really annoying thing is that you sometimes get the begining of a really interesting story, then the OP disappears and you never know what happened! (still wondering about the MNer who took her DD to a birthday party they weren't initially invited to...!)

I wanna know! wish I knew her real name...pah!

Selfish, inconsiderate, immature and stupid. That is how I would describe your behaviour.

CaCC...nope not divulging a thing, except to say that it was ata time when I was very very ubhappy and felt that I had tried everything in my marriage to amke it work and felt that my dh did not love me and we were at the end of our marriage.

The fact is that I should not have been so flattered by the attention, and should have looked at myself and what was wrong with my own self esteem. Anyway - starting a degree course and just taking a deep breath and starting again and things seem to be on the up and up.

I think its hard when you are feeling low and unloved and then someone shows you attention and finds you attractive, and the one that you really love doesnt seem to.

Things could have been really awful, but I got out in the nick of time, and I am glad that I did.

However I think that if you have a happy marriage and you are STILL looking elsewhere then you really need to get counselling about your own self esteem issues...

How funny - I'd completely forgotten about this thread then I looked up my previous alter ego posts.

Well MoreSpam - after this MN thread, I never saw him again. Not in a dramatic "I can never see you again!" way, just a "Sorry, I have to cancel our plans for dinner this time" way, and I never bothered to call again. Dodged a few phone calls, and that was that. Amazing how easy it was to cut any ties to him, and how close I was to being utterly stupid. PHEW!!!!

well done- I love happy endings