to refuse to lock my puppy outside?

[memoo]

My friends DD (age6) is terrified of dogs.

We have a 5 month old puppy, and little girl is frightened of her too. Usually when they come round I put the puppy out in the garden.

On friday we are having a small Halloween party for the kids but it will not be possible to put the puppy in the garden for a few hours because there are fireworks going off constantly and puppy is terrified, becomes a quivering wreck when she hears them. We have a very small house, just lounge and kitchen downstairs so there isn't even another room I cna put puppy in

Have explained this to my friend but she think that I should lock the dog out anyway.

I feel bad because I know her DD is scared of dogs but there is no way the puppy is going to do anything to hurt her.

Friend is now saying she won't be coming to party if Puppy is in the house.

Don't know what to do???

She will just have to miss the party then. I have a DH who is both allergic to dogs and also scared of them (yes really!) and we just avoid situation where he would be in a room with one. Its not the end of the world!

YANBU

Your house, your rules.
Your "friend" has no right to dictate to you what you can and cant do with your puppy in your own home. It's far too cold to leave a poor wee puppy out with all the bloomin fireworks going off at the moment. Wee soul might think she is being punished for something IYSWIM?
It sounds like you have been more than accommodating in the past with your friend and her DD.
She is being precious IMO.
If her child has such a phobia of dogs then how on earth is it ever going to improve if she is never exposed to them in a controlled way? She cant avoid dogs for her entire life and her mothers behaviour in controlling her non exposure to them is only compounding on that. Im not saying she should be forced into mixing with dogs but surely a puppy would be an ideal ice breaker in a carefully controlled manner? I know a party is not a controlled situation but maybes her DD would benefit from some visits to yours when your puppy is not locked away completely.
Maybes Im just havering.

Be straight with her and if she doesn't want to come to the party then its her's and her daughter's loss.

Enjoy the party!

We've just arrived home from petshop armed with crate and various other items that DC insisted on bying for pup, this puppy is costing me a fortune

We've set up the crate in the corner of the kitchen, have put her favorite blanket in, an old shoe that she loves to chew and a few little dog treats. She seems unfazed, keeps going in and bringing things out. She sleeps in the kitchen at night so will see what happens tonight

memoo, you say you "didn't want to not invite friend and her children because that would offend her". So you've invited her but made it impossible for her to come. Might that not offend her?

You know about the girl's fear and you've accommodated it in the past. It would be unreasonable of her to insist that the dog goes outside specifically as opposed to somewhere else that's away from the little girl, fair enough, but you've ruled out putting the dog in the bedroom because of what it would do. It doesn't matter why the dog would destroy stuff - you can't change that before Friday but you seem to expect the little girl's phobia to just go away because it's inconvenient to you.

You, and other posters, sound quite judgemental about the little girl's fear of dogs. I entirely agree that a child who is afraid of dogs should be introduced to them in a controlled way to allow her to reduce her fear. I just don't think that a children's Halloween party qualifies as a controlled environment and a puppy would not be "an ideal icebreaker" as weecarol suggests even if there were time in the next 2 days to get them together.

I hope the crate is a success and I hope that your friend's dd overcomes her fear of dogs in time.

MsHighWater, OP has not made it impossible for the child to come - the other mother is refusing to examine ways of reassuring the scared child and getting her over her anxieties. The dog is a member of the family and no alternative exists. It's a shame the child is phobic, but a phobia is by definition irrational and a mother who expects the world to cater to it, to their own serious inconvenience, is unreasonable. If her daughter had a phobia of cake, would it be reasonable to expect all birthday parties to be run accordingly?

The puppy has needs as well, and is the OP's voluntarily undertaken responsibility. The child is not. OP clearly tries hard to accommodate the child when possible - here, she can't, and the other mother is being ridiculous.

Ms Highwater
Yes I did suggest that a puppy would be an ideal ice breaker for the wee girl but where in my post did it suggest this before the party? If you look again you will see that I simply said that IMO the girl might benefit from future visits with the puppy in a controlled manner and did say that I did not feel a party was a controlled situation!
I know how fear can affect a child and also know that by keeping said child shielded from their fear then it will never improve. The mother in this case is reinforcing her childs irrational fear of dogs and building it up to be so much harder to if not break then certainly improve even slightly.
Why should the OP have to have her bedroom possibly if not destroyed then certainly messed up to accommodate 1 party guest?
Please read posts before you become judgemental of others. Just the way that you claim others have been.

Qually and Weecarol, I couldn't have said it any better myself

Qually and Weecarol

.....and so say all of us

My son was terrified of dogs after spending 2 weeks at the inlaws who had a vicious dog (that was run over by a car when we took it to grandmas after it bit my son )

Our neighbour got a new puppy. Our neighbour knew he was scared of dogs, as she also had a massive beast of a dog she was it must be said, good at controlling so my son should not worry. Any way, back to the point. When she got the puppy, she came knocking on our door to tell us, and said "Now is the perfect opportunity for your son to get over his fear of dogs. He can get to know the puppy and over time bond with it, with us grown ups present. So he will realize it is nothing to be scared of"

I thought that was a good approach. Our neighbour was a dog person. She loved dogs, and was walking up to 5 of them at the same time.

You having a puppy is the perfect opportunity for your dds friend to get over her anxiety. It propably wont happen in time for the party, though.

But is a childrens party the right venue for a puppy?
I agree you shouldnt keep the puppy outside. But what about the playpen that has been suggested?

I love puppy pens for small pups, ours had one, but a 5 month old might well be able to jump it - and worse, possibly able to try and not quite succeed. I'm ashamed to admit that mine did just that at that age; got stuck with front haunches over the top, back paws clinging halfway up. Thank God I was in the room at the time. So I don't think a pen is that safe for an older puppy. (She's a tiny spaniel, too - has an immune system problem, so is about half the size a full grown Cavalier should be. A friend has a 3 month old, and he's bigger already. Unless you have a really miniature breed I just wouldn't risk it. She went straight to crate after that, and funnily enough preferred it - vet says dogs often live in caves in the wild, maybe that's why?)

Qally, the other mother is not "refusing to examine ways of reassuring the scared child and getting her over her anxieties". She has, judging by what the OP has told us (which is, don't forget, all we have to go on) simply said that her daughter is afraid of the puppy and that they can't come to the party if the dog is not going to be kept away from her.

It is not the OP's place to dictate how the little girl's fear is dealt with and to imply that a refusal to keep the dog out of the way is done with the girl's interests at heart is, I'm sorry to say, garbage.

For all we know, the other mother is taking steps to address the phobia - the OP doesn't mention it - but I doubt that, in any circumstances if I had a dd who was afraid of dogs, I'd be happy to have her go to a kids' party where there was a boisterous 5 month old puppy whose owner's attention was elsewhere.

weecarol, I disagree totally that a puppy would be "an ideal icebreaker" for a child who is phobic. If you read my post, you'll see that I say that. I would think that an older, placid tempered dog who can be relied on not to do anything unexpected would be more suitable.

My nephew used to be afraid of pretty much all animals. He's much better now though can still be a bit anxious. We keep our cats out of his way when he visits until HE is comfortable. We do it because we want him to feel comfortable and welcome in our house.

If the OP is not prepared to do anything to accommodate her friend's dd's anxiety until it can be dealt with, the little girl's mother is liable to conclude that they are not really welcome.

Hope the crate is a success. We used one when our eldest dog was a pup and it was his escape from our madhouse.

Mshighwater - think you are being a bit tough on OP. She is caught between a rock and a hard place. The dog CANNOT go outside due to morons and fireworks (wish they would just ban them but thats another argument) yet the little girl is terrified of the puppy which has always been in the garden when she has visited. I personally think the onus should be on the visiting childs mother who knows there is a dog in the house and should have made efforts to introduce her child and allay any fears knowing that the occasion would arise when the dog would be in the house.

OP has done the responsible thing getting a crate. maybe the child's mother can do the responsible thing by helping her daughter get over her fear rather than perpetuating it.

fledtoscotland, we have no idea what is or is not being done to address the little girl's fear - the OP does not tell us and we only have what the OP tells us to go on and yet several posters have jumped to the conclusion that the girl's mother is making unreasonable "demands" and is refusing to try to tackle the issue. I'm sure that, even if her friend is making the effort to expose her daughter to dogs in controlled situations, having an un-housetrained puppy in close proximity at a kids' party might not sit well with the programme and could, just maybe, do more harm than good in the long run.
I wonder what the general response would have been if the girl's mother was posting about a friend who knew her daughter was afraid of dogs but who was refusing to keep her lively, un-housetrained young puppy out of the child's way during the party despite having done so in the past. In her shoes, I'd be wondering whether the host really wanted us there.
I'm sure the OP genuinely would like for her friend's dd to overcome her fear but, while I could be wrong, I suspect she's getting fed up of having to make allowances. I think that several other posters were being unreasonably judgemental of the child's mother when, let's face it, they know next to nothing about their situation.

puppies >>>>>> other peoples kids

Just wanted to say thanks for all the advice, puppy loves her crate already and lay in it happily in the kitchen last night.

Friend and DD were really happy with the puppy being in crate and amazingly at the end of the night friends DD actually gave puppy a biscuit from her hand

Very successful evening all round!

Good news. Glad it went so well.