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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to refuse to lock my puppy outside?

67 replies

memoo · 28/10/2008 19:43

My friends DD (age6) is terrified of dogs.

We have a 5 month old puppy, and little girl is frightened of her too. Usually when they come round I put the puppy out in the garden.

On friday we are having a small Halloween party for the kids but it will not be possible to put the puppy in the garden for a few hours because there are fireworks going off constantly and puppy is terrified, becomes a quivering wreck when she hears them. We have a very small house, just lounge and kitchen downstairs so there isn't even another room I cna put puppy in

Have explained this to my friend but she think that I should lock the dog out anyway.

I feel bad because I know her DD is scared of dogs but there is no way the puppy is going to do anything to hurt her.

Friend is now saying she won't be coming to party if Puppy is in the house.

Don't know what to do???

OP posts:

hertsnessex · 28/10/2008 20:23

i have friends who dont like dogs and some kids that dont either and when they come over mutley either goes in the garden or is in his crate, but not for an great length of time.

i can see their point - and i value their freindship, but wouldnt lock dog out in rain etc. a crate is a godsend and he likes it as it is his bed anyway.

one friend whoes DS hates dog hass slowly been introduced to mutley and will stroke him now, but only have he has been here a while, i get him to give mutt a reat etc and we are helping him get used to dogs.

mutt is only 8mths old and 8stone, so seeing that come running towards u would be scary, bu when he is older and calmer i think the kids who dont like dogs will get on better with him around.

arthursmum · 28/10/2008 20:32

We have a crate and a pen for our puppy which have both been totally worth the investment. You could make a makeshift pen in the bedroom if its just for the evening, put some paper down, lots of toys, no problem. I agree with the poster who suggested arranging some meetings between the little girl and the puppy, good for her and also good for the dog.

Hope it all works out!

deste · 28/10/2008 20:58

I second the crate. They are not that big, my sone has two beagles and they have one each which they love.

Original poster

memoo · 28/10/2008 22:56

I'm definately off to buy a crate tomorrow! and will suggest to friend about slowly introducing her DD to puppy.

OP posts:

CarGirl · 28/10/2008 23:02

DD2 was petrified of dogs and dd3 has been bitten in the street by a large dog (unprovoked). I see it as my job as their parent to ensure that they do not have an irrational fear of dogs. I used to praise dd2 for walking past a dog on a lead and not shaking with fear - lots of reassurance that she would be fine etc etc. It worked - she now likes dogs and asks to go and pet them.

Your friend is being a bit misled because she is reinforcing the idea to her dd that dogs are something to be scared of when they're not! We should have a healthy wariness/respect for them but not a fear.

Tiggiwinkle · 28/10/2008 23:02

If the puppy is not used to a crate, you cannot put it in one for the length of a party. You need to get the puppy used to the crate gradually over a period of days, otherwise it may end up hating it. If introduced gradually, it will come to view the crate as a safe haven rather than a prison.

Qally · 29/10/2008 07:28

As has been said, she's losing a golden opportunity to help her daughter overcome her fear. Dogs are part of life - and they tend to bully kids who are scared of them, because they respond to assertion.

Also, if she can't grasp that the dog is a living, feeling creature and your responsibility, not just a fluffy, scary toy, no wonder her daughter is scared. She's picking up on her mother's anxiety. You can't possibly keep a puppy outside alone when fireworks are going off all over the place, and it's grossly unreasonable of her to expect you to. The pup is at an age when she needs to be socialised and not scared rigid, and she is dependent on you to look after her best interests. There's a risk to the dog, who can't have the harmlessness of distant fireworks explained, and none to the child, who can be gently reassured about the pup being benign.

Having said all that, if there's going to be a party and stacks of kids, a crate might be the kindest option for the pup. Peace and quiet and no being hauled about like a toy...

Qally · 29/10/2008 07:30

Agreeing with Tiggywinkle; the crate needs to be in situ/use before the party. But for future reference, it might be a godsend for the dog. Ours has the door open at all times now she's grown, but it's her haven - nobody allowed to disturb her in it except me or DH.

MuAHAHAHAHAHmi · 29/10/2008 07:55

YANBU. My 7 year old DS is scared of dogs and while we don't go out of our way to see them, we don't go out of our way to avoid them either so the fear is slowly but surely dimishing.

Could you let her visit earlier in the day or the day before to help her get used to the puppy before the event?

pingping · 29/10/2008 10:01

How old is her DD! Can't the puppy go in the kitchin?

What kind of puppy is it?

pingping · 29/10/2008 10:04

YANBU by the way I wouldn't want to leave a puppy outside when its scared thats hardly fair.

TBH My bestfriend DP has a Staffie which I was shit scared of but I have gradually got used to him and now take him for walks [grins]

Original poster

memoo · 29/10/2008 12:14

Puppy can't go in the kitchen as people will need to go in there to get food, drink

Puppy is a lab cross, beautiful black fluffy thing

OP posts:

MatNanPlus · 29/10/2008 13:04

MIL has a new puppy that was reared in a barn and they introduced a crate and that is where his bed and food and water are so he likes going in there.

They also have blankets and toysin there and at the start bought him home, put his food in and sat in the open door then when he looked sleepy they settled him on the blanket and closed the door, he was fine as they stroked him thru the wire and he has loved his crate from then on.

No whining or barking at night, even the 1st night and he was the first puppy in a litter of 6 to go.

nailpolish · 29/10/2008 13:07

i cannot stand dogs either
but i woundldnt eexpect you to put your dog outside when i came to visit - esp if the dog is going to be afraid fo any fireworks going off

its your house and your dog

dont feel bad

pingping · 29/10/2008 13:07

Awww I would just tell the other mother that you have no choice but to keep the Puppy in the house since its his house as well. If she doesn't want to come thats her loss not yours.

nailpolish · 29/10/2008 13:08

i think crates are a bit cruel tbh
wont the puppy cry?

could your neighbour or family look after the dog at their house? if you really want friend to come?

rebelmum1 · 29/10/2008 13:09

Don't put him outside she will just have to not come. I have a similar problem people come and expect you to lock the dog up, I can't with our dog as he gets really distressed. if she sees that her unfounded fears are making her miss out on fun occasions then she might come someway to overcome them. Stick to your guns and don't pander to it.

rebelmum1 · 29/10/2008 13:11

It's quite frankly outrageous that they are demanding you to do this. They don't have to take you up on your generous hospitality.

Tiggiwinkle · 29/10/2008 13:22

Crates are not cruel. They provide a safe place to put your puppy if you need to keep him out of the way for a while; most dogs love them and willingly make their beds in them if they are introduced properly. You gradually get them used to it by feeding in there, putting toys in there, and using for a very short period initially, gradually building up.

sb6699 · 29/10/2008 14:10

My DD (4yo) has an irrational fear of dogs. Becomes absolutely hysterical if they go near her but I never expect friends to lock their dogs out when we visit. Its their home not mine.

Because I have done this my dd is gradually getting used to my friends dog and will actually stroke her now but I do have another friend who has a growly alsation which she puts away when we visit because she understands the dogs temperement would scare most kids (and adults!).

If you're sure the pup won't do dd's friend any harm then you're friend is being unreasonable not you. She can't expect you to lock poor puppy outside when it is obvious it would scared witless by the fireworks.

Crate is a good idea. My neighbour works in a dogs home and occassionaly brings home strays to train them for rehoming and I know she uses them until she is sure of the dogs nature/indoor habits (she has dc's and a dog of her own).

MsHighwater · 29/10/2008 14:29

Sorry but I'm going to disagree with most posters here. I actually don't think your friend is being unreasonable. I agree that shutting a puppy outside when there are fireworks about is not on, but her dd is only 6. It's not like she can be reasoned out of her fear of dogs, is it? And a kids' party is not the sort of controlled environment in which to try some graded exposure.

I also don't think it's unreasonable for a (short term) visitor to a house to expect a dog to be kept out of the way if the dog is particularly boisterous or if the visitor is afraid (as quite a lot of people are, to some extent or another). Surely most dog owners acknowledge this? It goes for cats and other pets, too (and I speak as a cat owner).

I doubt your friend would care where the dog goes as long as it's away from her dd so it's not really fair to say that she's insisting the dog goes outside. You said yourself that it's the dog's behaviour that prevents you from putting it in the bedroom. Your friend is not to blame for that.

Did you assume the 6 year old would just stop being afraid when you were planning the party? Do you really want this friend to come? I'm sure she's wondering that, too.

OLIVIASMAMA · 29/10/2008 14:45

My dog loves her crate, it's her own space and that's where she chooses to be virtually all the time. She did however take her own time in exploring it, we left it in the kitchen with the door open, all her bedding and toys inside it and left her to her own devices.

Your puppy will need time to get used to it (a few days IMO), whatever you do dont lock your puppy in it for the first time on Halloween when all the people are round at your house, lots of noise and fireworks constantly going off, it'll be terrified and just associate the crate with frightening experiences.

Our dog is scared stiff of fireworks, we put blankets over her crate to darken it and give her a little more security. It seems to work.

Regardless of the situation you've been put in IMO crates are fantastic for both dogs and owners, I definately wouldn't be without one.

Do this for yourself and your puppy though, not your so called friend who thinks the world revolves around her and her family

Original poster

memoo · 29/10/2008 14:46

MsHighwater

""it's not really fair to say that she's insisting the dog goes outside""

She has actually said that she wants the dog out in the garden.

""You said yourself that it's the dog's behaviour that prevents you from putting it in the bedroom""

Its not that the puppy is badly behaved, she is only 5 months old, she isn't fully house trained yet which is normal for any dog at this age.

Of course I didn't expect friends DD to just stop being afraid! But can't suddenly make the dog disappear, and didn't want to not invite friend and her children because that would offend her.

OP posts:

OLIVIASMAMA · 29/10/2008 14:51

Dont waste your breath memoo, just get the crate, you'll be really glad you did

rebelmum1 · 29/10/2008 15:05

I wouldn't do it, not for her, maybe to help with the containing the house training at some point but i don't see why you should pander, you can still invite them but just politely explain you are unable to lock the dog out, the poor mite would freeze in this weather, say your considering a crate for future vists but don't break your neck to pander to it.

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