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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Flipping Halloween - long, sorry

44 replies

janeite · 28/10/2008 17:19

First ever post in this topic, so please be kind!

Okay - I like Halloween parties; I like dressing up and playing mummy wrap and eating slime etc. However - I totally, utterly from the very bottom of my heart disapprove of Trick Or Treating.

DD1 has been invited to a Halloween party. Yesterday she quietly admitted, when asked (had not told us) that the plan is to go Trick or Treating. Apparently party-child's mother "lets her do what she likes" in dd's words and therefore is allowing this to happen. I told dd that she could go to the party before or after trick or treating but she could not go Trick or treating. DD now thinks I am a horrible, mean parent and that she would rather not go at all.

They are also going to be watching a "scary film" but she says she doesn't know what. Again, alarm bells are ringing.

Dp agrees with me and we are not happy about the way the girls seem to be being allowed to do just anything. Would I be being unreasonable to phone party girl's mother and ask for further clarification of what the party consists of?

Thanks

OP posts:
VintageGardenia · 28/10/2008 17:21

What's your objection to trick or treating?

Original poster
janeite · 28/10/2008 17:28

Don't get me started! It is irritating and anti-social and forces participation (or forced hiding) from people who should be entitled to enjoy their evening in their own home in peace, without fear of a knock on the door from a bunch of teenagers. They are good girls and I'm sure wouldn't do anything anyway BUT I don't want her going round in a pack knocking on doors. We live in a city, so it's not like everybody knows everybody else and therefore can okay it with people beforehand.

OP posts:
VintageGardenia · 28/10/2008 17:32

I actually think trick or treating is the opposite of anti-social. I like all those ancient traditions involving neighbours like wassailing and what have you. It's really traditional in Ireland (where I am) but children would never go to a house that didn't have some external sign that the inhabitants are willing to participate. Also teenagers don't usually do it, it's for young children! I don't know how old your dd is.

Original poster
janeite · 28/10/2008 17:38

She's 13. The Trick or Treating is absolutely non-negotiable. The film worries me too because "scary" covers such a wide spectrum. I don't want to wrap her in cotton wool and I don't want her to miss the entire party but to me a Halloween party involves food, costumes and silly games, perhaps some scary stories, not annoying other people and watching a film potentially deemed too old for them.

OP posts:
VintageGardenia · 28/10/2008 17:40

We are not up to 13 yet but I think there are definitely potential problems with a scary film. For a film to be "scary" it's usually got to be pretty gruesome. If I were the party mother and someone phoned up and said no 18s films or whatever I'd be totally fine with it. I can see from your dd's pov though she won't want to be the One Not Allowed.

Original poster
janeite · 28/10/2008 17:44

Thanks. It's difficult as I don't know the mum; have just met her to say "hello" to a couple of times.

Does anybody else please have any opinions? I want to resolve this in a way that leaves everybody at least partly happy!

OP posts:
spookycharlotte121 · 28/10/2008 17:44

I dont like trick or treating either Janeite. I dont think it sends a very good message to kids.... becuase like it or not trick or treat means give us something nice or were going to do something nasty to you. I know most kids dont go out armed with eggs etc but like I said I dont agree with the message it sends out. I know my kids will probs hate me for this when theyre older but like you its non negotiable.

How about ringing the mum who is hosting the party and gettign the facts from her. You may find that things have been twisted slightly.

tigger32 · 28/10/2008 17:46

janeite, I actually agree with you re trick or treating and scary film, I think though that you should ring the girls mum and just ask what is planed, you don't want to jump to conclusions, it may be that the girls have exaggerated a little

tigger32 · 28/10/2008 17:47

xposts spooky

VintageGardenia · 28/10/2008 17:47

at doing nasty stuff with eggs! Never heard of that. They say trick or treat and if you say trick they have to say a knock knock joke or something.

Anyway slightly off point of thread, good luck janeite, hope someone more experienced with teens can help.

spookycharlotte121 · 28/10/2008 17:49

lol vintage the kids round here egg your house if you dont give them amything!

VintageGardenia · 28/10/2008 17:50

Yikes!

Original poster
janeite · 28/10/2008 17:50

VG - it all sounds so lovely and innocent in Ireland - I wouldn't object to that at all! Thanks for the positve vibes.

Thanks Tigger - I want to phone the mum but dd is concerned that this will make her look "stupid" and says she'd rather not go at all.

Arghhhhh! Don't really know what to do for the best here!

OP posts:
BloodyStranglingwithBling · 28/10/2008 17:51

I don't have an opinion on trick or treating as such, but I think it's hard to ban your daughter from doing something at a party that is so "socially acceptable" IYSWIM? It's a bit like saying she can't go to a party where cake is served?

So... while I have every sympathy for your views, I do understand why she's upset and thinks you're being mean. Not dissimilar I guess to the 16yo whose parents won't allow her to wear short skirts and so feels ostracised or the young boy not allowed to watch action movies. We all remember those kids from school don't we? Their parents went against the grain and they suffered for it.

Original poster
janeite · 28/10/2008 17:51

I'm sure the girls wouldn't egg houses or anyhting but I really don't even want her going around asking for treats.

OP posts:
kingprawntikka · 28/10/2008 17:52

Maybe you should ring the mother and see exactly what is planned. My daughter is about the same age and goes trick or treating. Her group of friends are accompanied by an adult and only go to houses in a couple of streets near to where one of them lives. They only approach homes that have the lights on and halloween things in the window , There is no way i would let her go if an adult was not walking with them and no way i would want her wandering around streets were non of the children are known. A scary movie could mean anything from The Corps Bride to the Exorcist and as a mother i certainly wouldn't want my daughter watching 15 and above films

kingprawntikka · 28/10/2008 17:53

Corpse ! bride obviously

Original poster
janeite · 28/10/2008 17:55

But it isn't "socailly acceptable" Bloody - that's my whole objection to it.

She is very popular, with many different groups of friends and a bit of a trend-setter clothes wise, so unlikely to become a social outcast over this: I want to find a way to resolve it so that she can go and be happy but NOT go trick or treating.

Thanks for your opinions though; they are very much appreciated as I try to get a handle on all this.

OP posts:
BloodyStranglingwithBling · 28/10/2008 17:57

Socially acceptable to her group?

I grew up without any of these traditions so secretly I love them. DP and I were a bit upset no one trick or treated us last year - we bought special chocolates and everything.

Sorry! again

AbbeyA · 28/10/2008 18:01

I wouldn't let mine do trick or treating under any circumstances, although I am not against parties.
In any case I think trick or treating should be strictly for the under 12's and teens should be banned.
I hate the whole thing.
I don't mind a few small children, excited about being out in the dark, but I object strongly to having teenagers knocking at my door.

Original poster
janeite · 28/10/2008 18:02

Awww - that's sweet!

KingPrawn - you are right; I really do need to phone the mum. A situation like you describe would be very different and I'd have no objection to that.

OP posts:
kingprawntikka · 28/10/2008 18:08

Its not easy is it Janeite, i am always being told that everyone else watches real horror films, everyone else can go to bed at ten o'clock , everyone else can wear tons of make up. Funnily enogh all the mums i speak to don't seem to be the parents of everyone else either.!!

Original poster
janeite · 28/10/2008 18:10

Lol. How old is your daughter?

The worst thing is, I love fancy dress and wanted to help her make a fab costume but apparently "everyone else" won't be going to a lot of trouble, so there's no point. Bah!

OP posts:
littleducks · 28/10/2008 18:15

Could you 'accidently bump into' thre girls mum, and ask her? it may be the other mum has asked one or two neighbours if she can send the girls across in advance and they are watching a scary but not 18 cert film.

Or it may be as you fear but then you will know for certain and dd wont be teased for having her mum be the one that phoned

Original poster
janeite · 28/10/2008 18:17

Not an option unfortunately, Littleducks. I don't know her and doubt I'd even recognise her tbh. I wondered about ringing one of the other girls' mums but none of them are people I know really other than to say hello at drop off and pick up for all the girls' various social events!

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